Allow me to reintroduce myself...

I recently remembered that this here blog existed and decided to pay it a visit. The blog was always just a hobby project built to give me a creative outlet and an opportunity to connect with others who share my blunt sense of humor, including the fine creators of other blogs I followed at the time. Because I was in grad school and then teaching, I was always hesitant to tell people in my real life about the blog and it remained a largely private endeavor aside from a handful of close friends who were faithful readers. When I last left off, I was dating my future fiance, settling into my first teaching job, and living my best life in the most cliched way possible, and posting naturally petered out. Fast forward 16 years and I have called off a wedding, moved across the world, run through two other relationships and switched careers while abroad, moved back across the world, dated a guy whose son I helped raise for a year, then switched careers again and ended that relationship because the dynamic had changed beyond repair. So, here I am, g'ing up for my favorite holiday and reflecting on the concepts of humor, influence, expression, community, and where my head's at as another year clicks by. Things are objectively not great for me right now, but I feel I've made some hard-won growth over the past couple of decades and I am suddenly ready to return to the internet and share what I've learned about life, love, and the pursuit of happiness... Lesson 1: Your network of trusted advisors might not actually like you. Even if they do, the advice they give you may be colored by their own hopes, goals, biases, and how they want you to operate as a person in THEIR lives. It's more rare than you can imagine for people to be able to think dialectically (or trialectilly) and hold more than one truth in mind at the same time. The best thing you can do for yourself is to understand who your friends are and what barriers they may have to rooting for you without bringing their own shit to the table. Lesson 2: The world is full of people. If these aren't yours, that's okay. Not everyone will care to understand you, give you the benefit of the doubt, or reconcile old versions of you with new growth. These friends may have been great for a season of your life, but the sunk cost fallacy will keep you stuck if the people you surround yourself with aren't interested in your evolution. Lesson 3: The only way to find people that are a better fit for your life is to take risks and put yourself out there. Lesson 4: Having friendships based on hobbies or shared interests will likely last longer than those based on proximity and convenience, depending on your values. The party friends you made in college may transition well to the real world, but what happens when people start settling down and having kids? Is there room for that friendship to evolve with your life stage, or was this, in fact, just a friendship for a season? If you plan to live an atypical lifestyle, do your friends seem to be genuinely respectful of that as a valid choice, or do they question it as a phase? Lesson 5: All legitimate relationships end in a break-up or a death. It sounds bleak, but even if you marry the love of your life, one of you will someday die first and the other one will eventually be alone again. You can't lose yourself so completely within a relationship that you don't know who you are without it. The only guarantee is that you're going to be stuck with YOURSELF forever, so you need to be able to generate your own friendships and self-soothing strategies. My parents had a beautiful and loving relationship and were married for 46 years when my dad passed. My mom was wrecked from grief, but she'd made such a point of maintaining lifelong close friendships that her village remained intact and saw her through the initial shock and every low moment that followed. After several years, a friend of both of my parents lost his wife to Alzheimer's and he reached out to my mom for support. They began seeing each other romantically and have developed a relationship that's just as beautiful as the ones they lost when their spouses died. I feel a deep sense of peace knowing that even in your seventies and eighties, there's still room for fresh romances and deep, compassionate love. Lesson 6: Life is about growing or dying. If you feel comfortable enough to be complacent and that irks you, go grow. Learn a new skill, join a club, start a hobby, or find another way to shake things up so that no matter how stagnant life feels, you're always confident that you have what it takes to access your free will and make choices that can completely shift your perspecitve, rather than allowing stagnation to haunt you and affect your ability to maintain positive self-regard. Lesson 7: People are complicated. Unvoiced needs may never be met, so it's your job to present yourself accurately and ask for what you want. Do not compromise on your absolute values and dealbreakers because a potential friend or partner has some x-factor that tempts you to put yourself aside to make the connection work. Basic respect is essential, but you can't forgo a similar sense of humor because they have a vacation house or a good job. I do think this is something that is essential to maintaining your mental health as social media has made the see-and-be-seen aspects of our private lives so public and clout-chasing on a global level has become the new normal. If you want to go on the trip or live a lavish lifestyle and are okay with sacrificing other values, go for it, but don't be surprised if the superficiality of the experiences trickles into the relationships. Invest in cultivating the depth of friendships you find sustainable for yourself and trust the people who "get" you on that super specific level to be your people regardless of how often you engage with each other. The best people I know are soul-level homies who are off living their own lives but would reply within 24 hours like no time had passed if I reached out. Don't burden yourself by comparing your friendships to others; as long as the friendship is working for both parties and you feel supported, then how often you see each other or how often you post photos together is immaterial. Different friends will serve different purposes throughout your life and trying to apply a standard template to all of your relationships is likely to see you leaving some great potential on the table. Lesson 8: A life partner is someone you're attracted to, whose judgment you trust, and who you expect to hold curiosity and grace for you no matter what. As much as it is about chemistry and compatibility, it's also about finding an intellectual match, since your decisions may be outsourced to them during the worst of times. Looks fade, but it's essential that you hold your partner in high intellectual regard and feel that they understand how you think and that they could reasonably predict your perspective on any scenario where they might need to act on your behalf. Legally speaking, marraige assumes that you endorse this person with your power of attorney. If the idea of that squicks you out, then it's time to question why and have some tough conversations with yourself and, potentially, your partner. Lesson 9: Nothing is guaranteed. Take some calculated risks, have some fun, and do your best to leave an authentic legacy behind.