Mermaid Tractor Tranny Farm

No, that's not what Nicole Richie and Joel Madden named their newborn son, but it's damn sure close enough. The baby's name is actually Sparrow James Midnight Madden, and he joins sister Harlow Winter Kate as the newest addition to Hollywood's army of oddly-named children. Also on the list? Try these on for size:

Jason Lee - Pilot Inspektor..named after the Grandaddy song "He's Simple, He's Dumb, He's the Pilot." Wow, thanks dad...

M.I.A. - Ickhyd

Nicolas Cage - Kal-el Coppola

Shannyn Sossaman & Dallas Clayton - Audio Science

Jools Norton & Jamie Oliver - Daisy Boo & Poppy Honey...well what do you expect from someone named Jools??

Toni Braxton - Diezel Ky...this kid better grow up to be some bad ass MMA fighter.

Heidi Klum & Seal - Johan Riley Fyodor Taiwo...just when you thought Heidi Klum was perfect, she let her freak flag fly...

Geri Haliwell - Bluebell Madonna...Nice attempt to synthesize white trash and British pop culture in one name; bravo Baby Spice, bravo.

Drea De Matteo - Alabama Gypsy Rose

Paula Yates - Fifi-Trixibelle, Peaches Honeyblossom, Little Trixie, & Heavenly Hiraani Tiger Lily

Spike Lee - Satchel

Claudia Schiffer - Caspar...Seriously? Claudia Schiffer, get your shit together.

Rob Morrow - Tu...as in Tu Morrow...you know, like, "tomorrow?" Super awk.

T.I. - Messiah Ya’majesty & King C'Andre...honestly, I would expect nothing less from TIP.

Lisa Bonet & Jason Momoa - Nakoa-Wolf Manakauapo Namakaeha Momoa...The name apparently has something to do with the baby being strong and brave and born on a dark, stormy night, and I think wolves being powerful? Either way, this kid is super fucked when it comes time for him to take his SATs.

George Foreman - Okay, so his kids had semi-normal names, except for the fact that ALL FIVE of the boys were named George (I-V), and the two girls were Freda George and Georgetta. Wow, just...WOW.

Sylvester Stallone - Sage Moon Blood...at least it's trendy now with vampires being "all the rage," as my mom would say.

David Duchovny - Kyd

Dan Cortese - Tabooger...WTF??

Oh, but dear readers, don't think that celebrities are the only ones getting in on the fun...remember that heartwarming story last summer about the 9-year old girl from New Zealand who wanted to change her name? Well, the court took custody of her for a day so she could have the opportunity to ditch, "Talula Does The Hula From Hawaii" for a more suitable moniker.

Some other weird names that have made the cut (sans Hollywood parents):

O.crnia - This is the way that the girl's mother spelled "Oceania" when texting.

Violence - Did this kid swagger out the womb with some teardrops tattooed under his left eye??

Benson and Hedges - Twins named after the British cigarette brand...two words: Class-ayy!

Cinderella Beauty Blossom - How hilarious would it be if this girl turned out to be super goth or heinous looking??

Kaos - Much like "Violence," this child's parents probably spent much of their youth in detention.

Midnight Chardonnay - Hey Ali, if you ever accidentally get knocked up, I think this is what you should name the product of your late night booze & swim session! Almost as good as SEX FRUIT, which was thankfully rejected by the New Zealand judicial system.

Also blocked? Try Fish and Chips, Yeah Detroit, Stallion, Twisty Poi, Fat Boy, Satan, Adolf Hitler and 4Real, which a child's parents wanted to name him after seeing the sonogram and realizing just how "4Reals" having a baby is...oh to be a pregnant teenager...


Most hilarious rejected name: Keenan Got Lucky.

Best/Worst accepted name: Number 16 Bus Shelter. No, like, fo reals, this passed the test where gems such as "Metallica" failed. Nothing says "homeless lovers" quite like having "Bus Shelter" for a middle name. Perhaps we can hook Meredith up and she can name her child "Sketchy Alley," or "Apartment Building Lobby That I Broke Into." Just a thought...


Conclusion: We need to institute some kind of world-wide test before allowing people to procreate...I mean, I recognize that my life is enough of a joke that I should never be allowed to make babies (that, and the idea of pregnancy horrifies me), so why can't other people have a heart-to-heart with their genitals and say, "Gee whiz, I know I'm going to have sex for the first time ever tonight, and I'm like, 40, but dammit penis, I'm going to wrap you up tonight, because I'm a secure human being and I don't need to have some kid named, 'Keenan Got Lucky' running around to prove that I'm no longer a virgin!"


But then again, without lukewarm messes like these, we wouldn't have this fab website to look at when we're bored, now would we?

More to come.

XOXO - Christine