Stuff White People Like (dot com)

For those of you who aren't aware, StuffWhitePeopleLike.com is one of my favorite websites of all time. I was perusing it today, and I realized that I had yet to post about it on my illustrious blog! The basic premise of this site is that they give advice to non-white people on how to best blend in with white society based on a 100+ point list of things that white people enjoy. Below is a list of some of my all time favorites, either because they apply to me, or because they only apply to left wing hippies and I therefore find them to be humorous.

#1 Coffee - Fact. I actually just downed two Starbucks Double Shot Energy + Coffee drinks, so I fully support this as being the first post on SWPL.com. Watch this clip from Bring it On: All or Nothing for further assessment of white people's number one love:

#17 Hating Their Parents - A favorite past time of white people the world over! You don't even need to be angsty or liberal to enjoy this one. The supposed hatred most often stems from a long ago childhood incident where the parent forgot to pick up said child at school, or made a critical comment about their lifestyle. It's all been downhill from there, for reasons that the parents will neither remember nor understand.

#27 Marathons - I am one of ten white people in the world who has yet to/will never run a marathon, but everyone else seems to LOVE them. Personally, I don't understand the appeal; I'd much rather enjoy some form of water sport.

#36 Breakfast Places - I would honestly not survive life without the occasional brunch.

#38 Arrested Development - Anyone who dislikes this show is no friend of mine. Just saying...the Bluths are phenomenal, and according to my former roommate, Rob, I am Lindsay Bluth. I don't see it, but sure, I'll roll with it.

#40 Apple Products - White people without Apple products are appropriately shunned like the freaks they are. I feel comfortable saying that, as the proud owner of two macbooks, an iPod, and an iPhone, I will never be a social outcast and can always count on the nice hipsters at the Apple Store to pretend to be my friends. Great success!

#51 Living by the Water - FACT. My parents will only purchase waterfront property, and so far in life I have lived on a river, by a lagoon, on the ocean, on a lake, and by a harbor. Best/most accurate line in this post: "On the East Coast, many white people dream of owning oceanfront property in New England, where they can make their lives as close as possible to a J. Crew catalog."

#54 Kitchen Gadgets - Oh dear lord do white people like kitchen gadgets. Magic Bullet? Food Processor? Smoothie Makers? Blenders? Coffee Makers? Cheese Slicers? Tomato Slicers? You name it, and Jenn or I have owned it. I'm willing to bet that they don't even bother airing those late night kitchen gadget (and Body by Jake) infomercials in places like Hotlanta. Everyone knows that down there, they show ads for Roscoe's and re-runs of SnoopDogg's Fatherhood. And no friends, I'm not being racist. Proof? According to Brown Bear, one of his female friends was wandering down a hotel hallway a few years ago when she ran into Jamie Foxx. He made her show multiple forms of identification and then railed her. In the morning, she woke up to find him eating a breakfast buffet of fried chicken and waffles. Fact.

#69 Mos Def - The Wayne Brady of hip hop.

#76 Bottles of Water - Tap water is for the homeless, who can't afford to care about the impurities they ingest daily. According to my mildly gay ex, pork is also for poor people, but that's a whole other can o' worms. Side note: I used to trick him into eating it at least once a week.

#88 Having Gay Friends - The part about drafting friends is both incredibly offensive and secretly true. Fellow white people constantly try to prove that they are not racist or homophobic by referencing their one black friend or that time they kissed a chick in college (if they're a girl). People in our generation who glean the most satisfaction from the drafting and referencing of minority friends are those who seek to prove that they are at least 50% more open minded than their parents and the crazy grandmother from Wedding Crashers.
For example, my mother, though not blatantly and offensively racist, enjoys talking about her "good friend Henry," whenever discussions turn to racial issues. I then remind her that Henry was her caddy and that she hasn't seen him since the nineties. My father, on the other hand, is vehemently against gay marriage. We once had a discussion about this over dinner and I said that I support gay marriage, if for no other reason than it makes it easier for gay couples to adopt children. This is a key issue for me, as I was adopted.
Later on, my mom brought up the fact that she'd seen a baby bear in our backyard a few days prior. She said that she had thought about getting a gun in case the mother bear showed up. I said that she couldn't just go around shooting any animal that lumbers its way into our backyard and leave the poor cubs motherless. My father then interjected with, "MAYBE SOME GAY BEARS WOULD HAVE ADOPTED IT!" I'm pretty sure this was THE defining humorous moment in his life, and that every comment from here on out will be made in an effort to match the glory of this joke. Also see: #14 Having Black Friends.

#89 St. Patrick's Day - All I have to say is FACT.

#102 Children's Games as Adults - This is 100% accurate as long as alcohol is involved. Take for example my brilliant idea for this past weekend's flash card drinking game, where you use multiplication/geography flashcards meant for 8-year olds to get your friends retardedly drunk and embarrass them for not knowing the capital of Iraq, or New York for that matter.

#106 Facebook - So true, and the analysis is incredible.

#109 The Onion - Without satire, irony, and sarcasm, white people would whither and die. Kind of like the opposite of Superman and Kryptonite.

#115 Promising to Learn a New Language - I do this daily.

#118 Ugly Sweater Parties - Who doesn't like these? Oh wait, everybody except for white people who enjoy wearing flannel/reindeer sweaters/spandex ironically. Also see: #29 80's Parties.

#124 Hating People Who Wear Ed Hardy - Self-explanatory.

Lovely. More to come.

XOXO - Christine