"I want to deboard your crazy train..."

This is mother effing hilarious: (Via HNTDO)

How to Dump Online: Email

Subject Line: I’ve Notified Law Enforcement Good Memories

Dear Tabitha,

I’ve been doing a lot of heavy drinking thinking, and I want to deboard your crazy train don’t think we should keep seeing each other. I really like your apartment you and I’m obviously very attracted to your roommate you, and in a lot ways I am baffled as to how you manage to function daily on even the most basic level we match well, but I just can’t see myself watching you pick lint off your sweater and eat it again staying in a relationship here.

It’s a very specific general feeling, more based on the incident where you shoved the prongs of a fork under your thumbnail until it bled without comment where I am in my life. It’s easy hard to explain, and I guess I needed my recent vacation to hide from you figure things out, but I really feel like it wouldn’t be fair to keep boning seeing you after i found the dead racoons in your freezer if that’s the way I’m leaning. I feel like if I don’t make this decision now, my life will be at risk in the very near future we’d both get more and more emotionally invested, and yet I’d still feel like I’d need to probably move out of state leave, and then it would be much worse for my physical safety.

Just to be clear, this has everything nothing to do with everything anything you did or definitely did didn’t do. You’ve caused my very soul to shudder been great in all ways, and I really did recoil in disgust enjoy getting to know you. Believe me this was a prudent not an easy decision to make, and it’s not one I made without first securing an order of protection lightly either.

I wish you were locked up the best - you’re on your way to a 72 hour involuntary psych hold brilliant, every idea you have is born of some deeply seeded psychosis pure genius! You’re beyond drug therapy hilarious yet curiously allowed to roam free sensitive, tolerably attractive cute yet bangable sexy also. And you could win gold in the crazier than a sh*thouse rat contest kissing olympics. Please don’t call me hate me, and I hope you are very far away very soon understand.

I’ve already changed my name, Best of luck to you in all that you do,

-Formerly Max Smith

Also via hownottodateonline.com....

This looks like approximately 30% of my Match.com interactions. Like this one. Remember?

Lazy-eye: NICE LEGGS

Me: Great pick up line...not creepy at all. P.S. No thanks.

Lazy-eye: miss picky on the internet? LMAO

Me: The last thing I need in my life is a 41-year old man who doesn't understand the proper usage of capitalization. They're called standards, and, shocker, I have them; in fact, most girls my age do. Good luck finding a 21-year old "4 FRIENDSHIP AND SOMETHING REALLY COOL."

Good times.

Happy almost Friday!!

XOXO - Christine