Tom & Jerry

So, as I mentioned in a recent post, Tom (which I guess makes me Jerry), has reappeared in my life as of late, which reminded me that I never told all of you about our second run-in at Shaw's...oh yes my friends, there was indeed a second wrinkle in the story.

Brief summary of the saga up until run-in #2 for those of you who missed the entire thing:

Last December, I went out with a boy named Tom from Match.com, and we had the best date of all time. We met up and had dinner at the Lower Depths before going to The Script Concert at the House of Blues, after which we shut down Jillian's. During the two weeks following the date, Tom and I chatted pretty much daily, and he told me that he was excited to hang out again. And....then he fell off the face of the earth.

I was furious, but eventually got over it...until I ran into him when I was grocery shopping with Ali. We talked for a bit, worked things out, and he told me that he'd begun exclusively dating a girl that he started seeing around the time we met. After a bit, we decided to part ways, and he told me that he was "happy that the lines of communication were now open."

A week or two later, I shot him an email thanking him for recommending a website to me (universalhub.com), to which he never responded. Seething mad and feeling duped, I waited a week and then sent him a text message saying, "Glad to see you were so sincere about keeping in touch..."

The very next night, Ali and I found ourselves back at Shaw's, and imagine who I looked up to find right in front of me in the produce section? Yup, you guessed it.

I looked him in the eye and before he could say anything I (basically) yelled, "Hey Ali, this is the boy who doesn't know how to respond to emails!"

He looked at me blankly and then shouted back, "You don't know my life!!"

If our words had been silverware....haha

At this point, Ali took it upon herself to leave the banana section of the store and let us hash it out ourselves. As it turns out, Tom and his girlfriend had traveled to Portsmouth, NH, the weekend before to celebrate Valentine's Day and had nearly died in a freak carbon-monoxide accident at the hotel. Sadly, their relationship had not survived the incident...

Like last time, we talked for a little while, and when we were done, he said, "who knows, maybe I'll facebook friend you." I said sure, but didn't really believe it would happen after our last run-in and what he'd said about wanting to keep in touch, so I brushed it off and felt good about our "encounter" as what it was, just a chance run-in that provided some answers.

Cut to a few weeks ago, when I opened up my gmail to find a friend request from the man himself. Since then, we've spoken a few times and reminisced about the lovely times we spent verbally sparring in the checkout line/produce section. The other night, I needed his take on my date from last week (more on that in the next post), and gave him a call. He provided me some excellent insight, and then told me something fascinating...

Apparently, his younger sister had a radio show in college (she graduated this past May) and after we went on our date, he sent her a link to my blog. After the first Shaw's incident, she had two comedians on her show, one of whom is a (likely) closeted gay guy, and they did a dramatic reading of my initial blogpost about Tom. He told me that they'd actually asked for my contact info so they could have me call into the show and ask me random questions, as some form of character study, but he told them it would be a) too invasive and b) too fresh since the incident had JUST happened. I'm not gonna lie, I wishwishwish he'd caved to them, because I would have LOVED that.

Anyway, it's great to be on not only speaking terms, but actual "I need your advice, call meeee" terms with both Tom and Jim. I feel like as much shit as I've put myself through in the past few years, in terms of loving and dating in the city, I've managed to surround myself with a great group of friends, and some former love interests, who seem to always have my back, and I really think that's no small feat. When things happen in my life, especially with regard to guys, I tend to have a lot of very strong emotions (anger, sadness) for a few days, during which I lean heavily on my support system, and then I'm over it. This is something that you'll see evidenced in the next post, in which I discuss my date from last week...

Back in a few.

XOXO - Christine

"I want to deboard your crazy train..."

This is mother effing hilarious: (Via HNTDO)

How to Dump Online: Email

Subject Line: I’ve Notified Law Enforcement Good Memories

Dear Tabitha,

I’ve been doing a lot of heavy drinking thinking, and I want to deboard your crazy train don’t think we should keep seeing each other. I really like your apartment you and I’m obviously very attracted to your roommate you, and in a lot ways I am baffled as to how you manage to function daily on even the most basic level we match well, but I just can’t see myself watching you pick lint off your sweater and eat it again staying in a relationship here.

It’s a very specific general feeling, more based on the incident where you shoved the prongs of a fork under your thumbnail until it bled without comment where I am in my life. It’s easy hard to explain, and I guess I needed my recent vacation to hide from you figure things out, but I really feel like it wouldn’t be fair to keep boning seeing you after i found the dead racoons in your freezer if that’s the way I’m leaning. I feel like if I don’t make this decision now, my life will be at risk in the very near future we’d both get more and more emotionally invested, and yet I’d still feel like I’d need to probably move out of state leave, and then it would be much worse for my physical safety.

Just to be clear, this has everything nothing to do with everything anything you did or definitely did didn’t do. You’ve caused my very soul to shudder been great in all ways, and I really did recoil in disgust enjoy getting to know you. Believe me this was a prudent not an easy decision to make, and it’s not one I made without first securing an order of protection lightly either.

I wish you were locked up the best - you’re on your way to a 72 hour involuntary psych hold brilliant, every idea you have is born of some deeply seeded psychosis pure genius! You’re beyond drug therapy hilarious yet curiously allowed to roam free sensitive, tolerably attractive cute yet bangable sexy also. And you could win gold in the crazier than a sh*thouse rat contest kissing olympics. Please don’t call me hate me, and I hope you are very far away very soon understand.

I’ve already changed my name, Best of luck to you in all that you do,

-Formerly Max Smith

Also via hownottodateonline.com....

This looks like approximately 30% of my Match.com interactions. Like this one. Remember?

Lazy-eye: NICE LEGGS

Me: Great pick up line...not creepy at all. P.S. No thanks.

Lazy-eye: miss picky on the internet? LMAO

Me: The last thing I need in my life is a 41-year old man who doesn't understand the proper usage of capitalization. They're called standards, and, shocker, I have them; in fact, most girls my age do. Good luck finding a 21-year old "4 FRIENDSHIP AND SOMETHING REALLY COOL."

Good times.

Happy almost Friday!!

XOXO - Christine

(603): Soooo, I was just dumped. Via Phone. At Grand Canal. As a violinist was walking by serenading people. FML.

Well hello there friends! I haven't seen you in what, a month now? I apologize for disappearing without warning, but I desperately needed a month off to get my life together and figure out where things were going with the new boy I mentioned last time. And where did things wind up going? Say it with me now...fuckin' NOWHERE. (For the full effect, read that Bobby-style, with less bitterness and a lil more Boondock Saints.)

Yes friends, that's right, I was unceremoniously dumped this past Friday night in pretty spectacular fashion.

Which brings us to Friday night...

I got home from school around 7 and prepped myself to rage with Ali, Natasha, and Flores down at The Landing. When I finally arrived, the place (a roped in area on the aquarium pier) was packed with people I know. I immediately began double (okay, triple) fisting and having a blast with Dave, Greg, CJ, Boston Dave, Dan, Evan, Sean, Justin, Ali, Natas, Flo, and about a dozen other friends and friends of friends.

As the night went on, the group thinned out and eventually it was down to about ten of us, who decided to make the trek over to Grand Canal. Not sure if you guys remember iPhonegate 2009, but the point is that horrible things usually happen to me at Grand Canal, but I love it regardless. We began walking over, but then Dan decided that "private equity doesn't walk, private equity cabs it," so we wound up squeezing 7 of us into a cab, at which point I heard Jim's ominous ringtone (the beginning to "Shipping up the Boston").

I picked up and told him that I'd call him back when I got to the bar, which I then did from the patio out back. We talked for a half an hour or so and the conversation went from him telling me to go have fun with my friends, to me asking him what was wrong, to us breaking up and me crying at the bar. The part that makes this hilarious? Try the fact that the street violinist from my neighborhood walked by at this very moment to serenade all of the drunk couples. It was a dramatic moment fit for Lifetime, and I couldn't stop laughcrying because of it. And then...I hung up the phone, went back into the bar with a brave face on, accepted pity drinks and hugs, and danced my face off.

Post-Grand Canal, a bunch of people came back to my apartment to hang out and play some beirut until 4:30 or so. Dan and I teamed up to take on Boston Dave and his lady friend, and I honestly had the best beirut game of my life, sinking nearly every shot and finally winning it for us when we were down to one cup each and they'd hit our cup. One bounce shot later and we were clearly the champions. The night finally ended when Boston Dave broke a kitchen chair and the cold champagne ran dry.

The next morning, I talked to my best friend from high school, Catherine, for an hour or so and she gave me some really excellent perspective on the situation. Based on what I'd told her about this new relationship, it was clear to her that I liked him, but that the intensity of my liking was magnified by how well he treated me, since I haven't had that in a very, very long time. I've done a lot of thinking, and I recognize that she's absolutely right. Do I like him as a person? Absolutely. Did I cry when he ended things? Definitely. Was I mourning the loss of the constant affection as much as I was sad about him choosing to remove himself from my life? Yes, for certain, and that was the point she really drove home for me.

Anyway, midday tears and phone convos done, I Derby'd myself up and headed over to Toppers to meet my friends. If you recall, last year I actually went to the Derby and had the most amazing/awkward time of my life. This year was no different, minus the fact that instead of blacking out and awkwardly hitting on Greg, I was semi-sober and had to keep tabs on his drunk ass so he wouldn't die in the streets of Boston. Natasha wound up buying a spectacular Derby hat and we made our way over to Game On. The weather was gorgeous (somehow better than it was in Louisville itself), and we had a blast. Natasha even managed to win a prize when she bet on SuperSaver, the winning horse! It was a great time...until Ali almost choked some girl out for being a bitch. Oh Ali and her rage...

After Game On, we mosied over to Kings to meet up with Goob and Karen (Koob) for his old roomie's bday party. During said moseying, Ali was still bent out of shape about the girl in the ugly orange dress and kept threatening to serve her Boston tap water as revenge (for those of you who aren't from here, we had a massive water main break and we're not supposed to drink the water, Mexico-style). Everyone was dragging a bit while we were there, so the girls and I wound up leaving. Ali and Lauren peaced out and Natasha and I went on the longest walking tour of Charlestown ever to meet Greg at Tavern on the Water.

When we showed up, Greg was in rare form (not so rare for him) and looked like a very preppy and yet disheveled homeless man, a trend that should soon catch on and be known as "laid off day trader." He convinced us to head back to my building to hang out with the boys upstairs, which we then did. A beer later, and we were on our way to Good Life, with an incredibly racist, youtube sensation aspiring cabbie at the wheel.

Here, our group split up because several of us looked inside at the clientele and couldn't justify paying $20 a head to hang with pure sketchiness. Off to Bell we went, where Natasha "knows people" and was able to get us in without a cover, complete with an escort through the kitchen and up the back stairwell. Finally, the night was coming to a close when I got a call from BDubs. We wound up hanging out and he managed to not pee in any inappropriate locales, so that was a huge bonus.

So, in summation of my weekend:

- Friday was a shitshow (it always is when Dan and Dave are in the mix) and I still managed to have the time -and best beirut game- of my life, despite being dumped pretty spectacularly.

- Saturday night involved Game On, Kings, Tavern on the Water, my apt, Good Life, and Bell. Saturday night also involved BDubs, Greg, and many of my other favorite people. Good time = guaranteed, lack of clean water in Boston be damned.

- Today shall be full of golf (or more appropriately "whiffs" in my case) and a BBQ at Karen's in Southie. Do I have a lot of school work to do? Yes. Will it get done? Eventually. But for now, I just need to hang out with my friends and get back to being my normal, happy, single self.

So, that's where I'm at. I just want to give a huge thank you to my friends who were there for me this weekend and who stayed up with me both nights so I wouldn't have to be alone in my apartment while Kate's in Ireland. I already know that I will be fine, but that doesn't make this, or the prospect of getting back out there, any easier, especially after the awful year I've had dating-wise. Love you all, and I will be a more diligent blogger going forward now that I'm almost done with school. Okay, time for me to go lace up my golf shoes and hit the driving range with Karen, Goob, and Natas...have a wonderful Sunday afternoon everyone!

XOXO - Christine

My life, in a nutshell.

Oh boy, where do I begin...

As you know, after the thing with Tom went horribly awry (more on that after), I pretty much vowed to quit dating and said "laterss" to Match.com in a big, totally rebellious way, very much reminiscent of that time I broke curfew by a whole HALF HOUR in high school, only to get a speeding ticket on my way home...what I'm trying to say is that though I possessed the desire to just say no, I failed miserably at following through. Apparently, leaving Match.com for good is like trying to slam a duck phone; damn near impossible.


Reasons to rejoin Match.com:

1. This article scares the shit out of me.

2. I need something other than Elephante (elle-eh-FAWN-tay) to snuggle with and a man (boy? kidding...) other than Drew to force my hugs upon.

3. I enjoy activities. Activities other than shopping tend to be more fun when accompanied by a person to whom you are animalistically attracted. With the exception of JDubs, one night stands to whom you are attracted usually don't invite you to brunch and/or a Bruins game after a sloppy night of bar-side make-outs. Ipso facto, I need a proper man friend in my life.


Reasons to run screaming for the hills:

1. Men are terrible liars. This means that when I hang out with a "single" guy and agree to go out with him the following week, and even make out with him, I can google his name the next day and am inevitably able to find out his wife's name and the location of their bee-yoo-ti-full wedding that occurred three years prior. If a man is going to do this to me in the future, I'd like him to at least have some tact and discretion. Unfortunately, this doesn't appear to be possible. Strike one for the men folk...

2. How much more can I really put up with in the bullshit department before, to quote Omarion, there's an icebox where my heart used to be? I thought I couldn't handle much else after the Manbaby incident, but as it turns out, I've been through a lot more, and I've become shockingly resilient.

3. Can't I just wait for my ideal man to come find me? You know, isn't he just supposed to stumble across me in some adorable meet-cute fashion fit for a romcom...while I sit back and write this blog from my couch...oh. wait. That's how fabulous twenty-somethings blink and become 40-year old cat ladies. Gross, I guess I do really have to get back out there, though, on second thought, the term "lady" does imply dignity, which is more than I have going fo me right now....hmmm, connundrum!

Whelp, it's settled...I guess I'm going to simply reactivate my Match profile and cross my fingers. And now for the tales that brought me to this (metaphorical) place...coming in the next post.

More in a few!

XOXO - Christine

Holy Fucking Awkward

Hey bunnies! So, I have a story for you...here goes.

Remember that guy I went to the Script concert with? Well, after our date, he continued gchatting me on a daily basis, telling me that he couldn't wait to hang out again. This continued for about a week and a half, before he suddenly fell off the face of the earth.

In my heart, I was pretty sure that it was over, but Anna gave me a long lecture about how "guy time" and "girl time" are wildly different, and that a week in guy time really isn't that long at all. Faith somewhat renewed, I decided to email him and let him know that I was going home for Christmas, but that I'd be back in a few days if he still wanted to hang out. The response? Nothing.

Undeterred, I held my tongue and sent him a second (and final) email a week later, saying that it was cool if he found someone else, or if he wasn't that interested anymore, but that I'd appreciate some kind of response or explanation, considering that the last I'd heard, he'd been totally into it. Again...nothing. (By the way, this all went down toward the end of December, and I was beyond impressed with myself for not bitching him out in a lovely New Year's drunk dial.)

Fast forward to Monday night, when Ali and I decided to go on a leisurely shopping adventure to Shaw's.....oh hey, who's that walking toward me from the cheese aisle? HOLY SHIT. It's Tom. (I believe we previously referred to him as "last week's date," "the incident," and/or "the condition.") I spotted him from afar, immediately turned around and started freaking the fuck out. Normally I wouldn't care if I ran into a former flame (see: The Comedy Club Incident), but this is a guy that I actually liked, who pretty much mindfucked me, AND I looked horrendous after one of the worst Mondays of all time. AWESOME.

Anyway, after some not-so-subtle walk-by situations, I finally decided that I would be kicking myself for weeks if I didn't say something to him. So......I ambushed him in the checkout line, because I'm smooth like that. I basically walked right up to him while he was on the phone and tapped his arm. Here is what I remember of the (pretty long) convo that followed:

Him: Heeey, what's up?
Me: Hi. I think it's pretty fucked up that you never emailed me back.
Him: Ugh, yeah, I'm sorry about that. I feel like a real asshole. I kept meaning to write back, but then I felt like it'd been too long, so I didn't.
Me: Well, it was a really dick move.
Him: I know, I'm sorry, I was dating a few people when I met you, and timing's a bitch, you know? I became serious with someone else and didn't handle it well.
Me: Clearly not.
Him: After a week went by, I just didn't want to upset you by bringing it up, so I did nothing.
Me: Well, let me teach you a little lesson about women. We ALWAYS appreciate an apology, whether it's 8 minutes or 8 years after you fuck up. It's an acknowledgment of the fact that you did a dick thing, and that we are not, in fact, crazy.

-Insert apologetic convo-

Him: So, how've you been?
Me: Well, I got into a car accident on Friday morning, the building next door to me caught on fire on Monday night, and now...this.
Him: Oh, I read about that fire on Universal Hub! Great website, you and I are both web savvy, I think you 'd enjoy it.
Me: Cool, I'll check it out.
Him: You were always really hilarious, we should talk sometimes.
Me: Awesome, call me when you're single.
Him: What, we can't be friends?
Me: Okay, sure, we can talk.
Him: Oh, and you mentioned your car accident? Well my car was hit by a cab on my street this weekend!
Me: OH, that's another reason I'm pissed you disappeared! You promised you'd tell me why your car is called Mexican Dave (name changed to protect the...vehicle?), but then you vanished!
Him: (looking around at the minority cashiers) I will tell you some other time, in person, I promise.
Me: Yeah...okay.
Him: No really. I'm glad the lines of communication are open again.
Me: Yup. Alright, I'm gonna let you go. Good to see you.
Him: Okay, see you soon.
Me: Alright...bye.

We high-fived twice and I also demanded a hug since I hadn't received one since my tunnel crash on Friday morning and was so desperate for a warm embrace that I would've taken one from Homeless Meredith. Okay, that's a stretch, but you know what I'm saying, I needed some loving...which is probs why I then purchased a stuffed elephant for myself to snuggle with...because I am apparently 5-years old. Also, Ali spent the entire 30 minutes that I was talking to Tom lurking around the magazine racks spying on us...real cool Ali, real cool haha.

While the entire situation was pretty awk, and I started out practically shaking because I was so angry, it ended well and I feel like I got the closure I was looking for back in December. And honestly, if he's serious about us keeping in touch, then I'm all for it.

Alright, that's it for now lovers! Let's hope the rest of the week is less drama and more fun!

XOXO - Christine

Adios Online Dating, it's been...fun?

6,335 views of my profile later, and I am officially done with Match.com. Thirteen minutes from now, or by the time I finish this post, it will all be over...no more coming home drunk and scoping out prospects, no more politely telling middle-aged men and guidos, "no thanks," no more going on dates with borderline alcoholics, only to have them rip shots in my bathroom or call me while riding their bikes back to the south end....no friends, thirteen minutes from now, all of this magic will be behind me.

I have to say, breaking up the homance (Bobby's newly minted term for a lady-bromance) with Match was theoretically hard, but it's also a giant relief. I don't know how much longer I could keep up with the incessant winks and emails from boys who think that we'd be perfect together because I happen to be the proud owner of a hoo-ha and appreciate the oh-so-subtle humor of "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia." I mean, maybe I have aggressively high standards, but I don't think it's too much to ask for a tallish, well-educated, cool guy who has some direction and can make me laugh...I'm just saying.

Things I will be more than happy to leave behind? Going on a date, coming home, and then seeing said date online scoping out new prospects later that evening. Granted I'd be doing the same thing...but somehow it's different when their "Online now!" badge is flashing in your face. And this is why I present to you my very best advice for you to successfully navigate the world of online dating whilst maintaining your sanity and standards. Also, we will be recapping what I have learned over the past 9, count 'em, 9, months. Get your pens and pencils out ladies and gents, because here we go...

Words of Wisdom:

1. When emailing someone you may be interested in, remember to reference information from their profile. Not only will it make them feel as though you're being genuine, but it will also prevent you from the pain and humiliation of this exchange. Also, spelling and grammar count, especially if you're over the age of 18 and/or have managed to obtain your high school diploma or the equivalent.

2. DO post presentable photos of yourself. If you would feel more comfortable maintaining your current look, perhaps you would feel more comfortable joining a dating/Lord of the Rings roleplaying community for fellow hippie elves.

3. If you're only looking for sexy times, please direct your attention to adult friend finder and leave me alone. It's fine if your idea of a dream date would be "dinner, movie, and a good time back at her place," but please, have some tact.

4. If you know that someone's not right for you, don't feel the need to get involved. Just press the "no thanks" button, and move on. There's no use wasting your time or theirs on something that's not going anywhere.

5. Wait an email or two before letting your freak flag fly, DON'T just put it all out there for your friends and coworkers to stumble across and then blog about, with accompanying illustrations.

6. Don't be sketch when you finally meet someone. It may go well at first, and they may think your drunkeness is endearing, but eventually they will find the bottle of orange vodka you hid in the bathroom and they will not be pleased.

7. DO be creative with date ideas! The best dates are fun, interesting, and flow organically. Dinner and a blockbuster can be a good time, but more often than not it should be Plan B, not A.

8. There's no blogpost to go with this, but after a date, wait 24 hours, or at least until morning, before logging in to your account. Otherwise, the other party is bound to think you're not interested or at least feel the sting of post-date rejection even more strongly. It's just a good policy to have because it works in reverse as well. Karma people, karma.

9. Speaking of karma, boys and girls, please quit it with the disappearing acts! I know I've done it to my fair share of online paramours, and that makes me hugely hypocritical, but I've since recognized the error of my ways and have realized that next time I'm tempted to do this, I just need to grow a pair and use my words. If you've given someone your number, or gone on a date with them, I think it's only right to let them know that it's not going to work out as soon as you can find a solid, sugar-coated reason, so they don't spend the rest of the week sitting around waiting for a phone call that will never come, because it's just depressing when I put it that way, isn't it?

10. It goes without saying, but please DON'T be any of these people.

And a bonus for good luck...

11. More than anything else, remember to get out there, have fun, and be safe!

And now, positive recap time. We all know what I have lost via Match.com (time, money, dignity), but what have I gained?

1. Laughter, and awkward stories, which are simply priceless.

2. A lasting and committed love for all things Kings of Leon (thanks to the boy who threw a temper tantrum) and The Script (thanks to last week's concert date) as well as a passing interest in Wilco (Drunk Date).

3. A keen eye for observation, thanks to the balding 23-year old I went out with. Baseball hats in every photo? Fool me once, shame on me...

4. A stronger sense of self and the things I want/need in life and in a guy.

5. And, in all honestly, the most important thing I've gained is a deeper appreciation of my friends, who have been there from every, "oooh look at this guy!" to each, "ugh, he was awful/drunk/balding!" Without you guys, and my faithful readers, I would've pulled an Alexa Ray Joel long ago (too soon?)...kidding, but seriously, I love you guys.

To the men of Match.com, thanks for the laughs; it's been quite the ride.

And now, I pass the online dating torch to my dear friend Lee (the same one who sent me the Jersey Shore Nickname generator earlier today), and I wish her the best of luck in her search for a decent man to call her own.

Stay tuned kids, more to come later this week.

XOXO - Christine

The gift that keeps on giving...

So, the other day, I logged into my Match.com account to find the following message:

"NICE LEGGS"

That's it, that's all it said. Two words, one of them spelled wrong, no punctuation, ALL CAPS. Upon further investigation, I discovered that said message came from this gem:

That's right, my exceedingly charming new suitor is a lazy-eyed 41-year old whose dating headline reads, "I'M NOT A PLAYER, ARE YOU??"

Read below for unedited excerpts from his profile, and my response to his delightful message:

About me:
IM LOOKING 4 A WOMAN THATS NOT ON HERE LOOKING 4 ATTENTION ETC, I WANNA MEET A WOMAN THATS NOT MISS RIGHT NOW MAYBE WE CAN START A GREAT FRIENDSHIP THAT ADDS UP TO SOMETHING REALLY COOL SO GIVE ME A SHOUT TY!!

My job:
im on here to meet a nice , attractive , sexy woman to start a friendship that turns into maybe lovers, a steady gf or maybe even marriage OUCHH Llolol i was on here a few years ago and had a AWESOME time meeting women!

My ethnicity:
are u kidding? moreee ? lol, i guess youd have to scroll back and read what i typed b4 that says im here to date, meet new friends and have alot of fun like i did on here a few years back, ciao

My religion:
is this a job interview ? i wish we got paid 4 all this typing! send me a email or a wink and see where it goes ! sounds good to me , im tired typing lolol

My education:
are u kidding now its time to hear from you, ive typed enuff to work 4 a local newspaper woulndt u agree?

Favorite hot spots:
ny, calif , cape cod , canada, russian. england. texas, vancouver! i wanna go to ireland b4 i die lmaooo

Favorite things:
i like blues, rock, steak, chicken, chinese food , mexican, thress co lol janets sexy legs lolol, i love outdoor concerts, great woods aka comcast center, ss musio circus ,, harborlights

My Pets:
what else do you wanna know? this is like a job resume lol, anyways like i said im looking 4 a normal, sexy woman that knows what she wants in life , has no drama but im not perfect either so lets get a drink or a coffee and get together


And here it is, our incredible back and forth...enjoy.

Lazy-eye: NICE LEGGS

Me: Great pick up line...not creepy at all. P.S. No thanks.

Lazy-eye: miss picky on the internet? LMAO

Me: The last thing I need in my life is a 41-year old man who doesn't understand the proper usage of capitalization. They're called standards, and, shocker, I have them; in fact, most girls my age do. Good luck finding a 21-year old "4 FRIENDSHIP AND SOMETHING REALLY COOL."

P.S. When attempting to begin a conversation with a woman, perhaps try this crazy new approach where you say hello and mention her interests before getting into creepshow mode. Just a thought.

Lazy-eye: well taken, thunder thighs lololol

Me: Wow, definitely going to cry myself to sleep over that one...

And then I blocked him. Good times on the interwebs.

More to come.

XOXO - Christine

"I'll keep you in the bedroom so long they'll put your face on a milk carton."

So, for those of you who haven't seen these FAB dating videos yet, please behold, the wonder that is FunnyorDie.com's lampoon of Jon and Kate of "Jon and Kate Plus 8" fame:

Heeeeere's Jonny...

Match.com-Jon Gosselin - watch more funny videos

And Kate...

Kate Gosselin Match.com Profile Video - watch more funny videos

Aaaaaand, the infamous other woman, partymonster Hailey Glassman...

Hailey Glassman Match.com Profile Video - watch more funny videos

Phenomenal.

And as an added bonus, meet Bobby, the best Perfect Date dater EVER. This is one of my all time favorite videos on the interwebs, and that honor doesn't come easily...

Bobby needs a date - watch more funny videos

"I got brains, I got big old brains, I got dinosaur brains."

"I'll keep you in the bedroom so long they'll put your face on the back of a milk carton. They'll come looking for you, but they won't find you though, 'cause you'll be gone, like a ghost, like a sex ghost. You'll only come out on Halloween and Valentine's day being like knock knock, who's there? Trick or Treat, SEXXXX."

In-fucking-credible.

Until next time...

XOXO - Christine

Best Match Find Yet...

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Threesomes and Balconies and Bedwetting...Oh My?

Odd Job: Hey, how was the weekend?
Me: Um, get ready for the best story evaaa.
Odd Job: Oh yeah?
Me: It was beyond ridic. I’ll do my best to give you the condensed version.
Odd Job: Can’t wait.
Me: So, the girls and I went out for Erin’s bday this weekend. We did dins in back bay and then hit up Market, by Faneuil.
Odd Job: Never been, sounds fun.
Me: Yeah, it was. So as midnight approached, the girls and I made our way from the big room downstairs to the front bar, so Erin could take the obligatory birthday shots. As we’re walking, I spot JDubs, my former hook up of “I hope you get the herp and dife” fame. We give each other an awkward hug and I tell him I’ll see him later.
Odd Job: Wow, talk about random.
Me: So we get up to the bar’s roof deck later on, and of course, the first person we see is JDubs. I proceed to make his life as awk as humanly possible by telling his friends the story of how he lied to me about going to Harvard when we first met, among others. Eventually I run out of awkward things to say, they realize they’re not getting anywhere with Jenn, and they head downstairs. This leaves me with JDubs, and his friend TG, who had just shown up after texting me to meet up all night. Full disclosure: TG and I hooked up once last winter after a rousing night of karaoke. Apparently my amateur rendition of Biz Markie’s “Just a Friend” really did it for him
Odd Job: HAHAHA
Me: anyway, as soon as his friends leave, he (JDubs) is ALL over me. I'm like WTF and start rolling with TG instead, to get away from JDubs. Unfortunately, JDubs sees this as a golden opportunity to suggest a THREESOME.
Odd Job: shut the fuck up
Me: Yup, second guy in two weeks to throw that out there…
Odd Job: What a jackass
Me: Yeah, so he keeps pushing this, and I'm like NOOOOO haha. Eventually, aka after an hour or two, he realizes it's not happening and then gets pissed. He tells me to go hook up with TG and leave him alone because, “he has nothing else to say to me.”
Odd Job: HAHAHAHA and you said.......ok see ya biatch!!!
Me: haha, pretty much. anyway, closing time comes, and I get a text from TG, saying that he’s already at my building.
Odd Job: that’s random.
Me: Yeah, so I wound up walking home with this kid Joe, who is turning 27 tomorrow, and who gave me a mini lecture on relationships. He did this, because he was fresh from the split with his girlfriend, who had dumped him at the bar when she saw him talking to Anna. Awesome Times.
Odd Job: Wow
Me: anyway, I get home, and TG and I hook up.
Odd Job: Of course.
Me: ON MY BALCONY
Odd Job: HAHAHAHAA
Me: ON HANOVER, WITH PASSERBY WHO HAD NO IDEA
Odd Job: amazing
Me: until I saw Jenn coming down the street with all of our friends and we ran inside haha.
Odd Job: Holy shit, fucking crazy. I bet that was awesome.
Me: after that, we all went to pompeii for food with everyone. We ran into 5 boys from school. And then TG made me take some crazy route home b/c he was convinced that he saw some kid who wanted to kick his ass.
Odd Job: good work.
Me: TG tried to convince me to come home with him, to MEDFORD, because he had his new bed being delivered in the morning. There’s no way that was happening, so he wound up passing out in my room in all of his clothes.
Odd Job: Right.
Me: So in the morning, I wake up as he’s getting out of my bed. He just looks at me and goes, “uhh, Christine, I think you’re going to be mad at me…” I followed his gaze to my bed and yelled, “OH MY GOD, DID YOU PEE MY BED!??” The answer? YES. YES HE DID.
Odd Job: AAAAHHHHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Me: And the best part? After he said that, he goes, “Well at least it wasn’t in my brand new bed!”
Odd Job: Your life is fucking incredible.
Me: I gave him clothes to go home in; he said I was a good friend haha.
Odd Job: now that's a fucking walk of shame, walking home in girl’s clothes.
Me: Nono, I gave him shorts and flip flops that belonged to a guy I used to work with, who I had a thing with for like three weeks a looong time ago. I’ve told him to come pick up his shit at least a half dozen times, so it’s his own fault that they now belong to a bed wetter haha.
Odd Job: again, your life = amazing
Me: Just another day in the life…anyway, that was pretty much it.
Odd Job: awesome story, awesome life. It always entertains me.
Me: my life is a fucking JOOOOKE
Odd Job: hey, are you happy??? Because that’s all that matters.
Me: True story.

THE END

I hope you all enjoyed that little glimpse into my joke of a life as much as I enjoyed living it...

More to come this weekend, especially since I'll be hanging out with all of these boys again at Erin and Leah's super sweet 24th bday party...can't wait!!

XOXO - Christine

Oh. My. God.

I am horrified by this person's mere existence. Match.com, why oh why would you subject me to this!!???

"I do have a nerdy side so I'd love to meet a girl who doesn't mind my love of Star Wars, Lord of the Rings, video games and stuff like that."

I'm sorry adamjj1919, but I am not that girl. In fact, I am the opposite of that girl. May I suggest a playdate with everyone's favorite LARPer, Dave Olsen, of Beauty and the Geek fame? Awesome. Well, I hope you guys have fun with that. Until then, BACK THE FUCK OFF, okay bucko?
XOXO - Christine

P.S. Fun fact: My friends and I shared a magical evening of NESCAC booze cruising with Mr. Olsen last summer, but no one believed me when I began shouting that he was on Beauty and the Geek. In fact, I pretty much had to be restrained until he was out of sight so that I wouldn't run over and yell, "YOU'RE A GEEK," in his face. Well friendlies, the joke was on them the next day when I did some googling and uncovered a phenomenal video of him discussing his favorite pastime WHILE WEARING THE SAME OUTFIT HE WORE ON THE BOAT.

Friends: 0, Christine: 1. Or Friends: -5, Christine: 20,000, because I am also the one who spotted (and initiated partying with) Mr. Boston back in December '07. That's right bitches, I have an unhealthy addiction to trashy reality tv (is there any other kind?) and it sure as hell is paying off haha.

Lindsay Lohan's eHarmony Video

This is priceless:

Lindsay Lohan's eHarmony Profile from Lindsay Lohan

XOXO - Christine

Ding, Ding, Ding . . . We Have A Winner!!

Hello bunnies!!!

Sorry that I didn't get a chance to drunk blog about my date on Thursday night, but that may have a little something to do with the fact that I never came home...!!

Let me explain...

This past Thursday night, I was supposed to meet this lovely specimen of a man at the BHP (Beacon Hill Pub) for drinks at 6. However, he texted me during the day asking if we could move it to 7. Obviously, I obliged because I hadn't even begun getting ready. Finally, at 7:15, I rolled into the bar and immediately spotted DD playing darts with what looked like Buster the Jockey from my favorite show, "It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia." Incredible.

When he saw me, he came over and gave me a big hug and asked me if I wanted a drink. I grabbed a Coors Light (beer of champions) and we moseyed on over to one of the pub tables to have some lovely first date chit-chats...or so I thought. As it turns out, my date was drunk, but adorably so. Apparently, he had arrived at the bar a solid 45 minutes before I did, and Buster the lawn jockey had challenged him to a darts/drinking competition. Not one to turn down a challenge, Drunk Date took down a couple of shots and several beers before I showed up. Let's be real people, I probably would have done the same thing, so I really can't blame him for his choices, now can I? I mean, how often do you run into a 75 pound man who can drink you under the table?? Experiences like that come around but once in a lifetime my friendlies.

Anyway, after staring at my bedazzled flip flops for a solid minute, he looked deep into my eyes and said, "You're wearing SANDALS! Whaaaat?" He also told me that I smelled great about nine times before stating that he was a "pool man" and that darts weren't his game. And with this, we left the BHP to find a bar with a pool table. On the walk down Charles, I began to realize just how buzzed DD was. When I asked him if he'd been on any other match dates he said, "YOU. Maybe. I don't knoooow!" He was beginning to resemble the below photo more than the put together guy in his match profile...and I liked it.

You see, as I'm always saying to my friends, I need a man who's a little bit of a mess, because otherwise, they won't be able to handle me. I'm not saying that I want a guy who blacks out every night, but rather someone who appreciates the joy of getting a little sloppy on the weekends and won't judge me for the disaster that is my life. To me, DD's tipsiness was totally endearing.

As we continued walking and approached the public garden, DD stopped, scratched his head, and said, "You know, I'm a lot more tired than I thought I was. I think I'm going to go watch a movie. Do you want to come." My response was, "Come where? Somerville?" He said, "Yeah, let's go, we'll get a cab." I gave him a once over, decided that he was still adorable, and, call me crazy, but I flagged a cab.

We hopped in and he shouted, "45 Harris Street, wait, avenue, wait, street!" The cabbie didn't so much speaka the English, and had no idea what DD was talking about, so DD told him that he'd just direct him. We pulled onto Storrow, and confident that he'd be able to tell the cabbie where to go, I began texting Leah. Here's the convo that followed:

Me: Drunk.
Leah: Stop it, seriously? Before you even got there??

Me: Yup. Now we're going back to Somerville. My life is a joke.
Leah: You're going to Somerville? What the hell are you going to do there?

Me: Watch a movie and have sloppy make outs OBVI. 45 Harris St. in case I die.
Leah: Can I put that as my fb status?

Me: Now he's fighting with the cab driver haha. Omg incredible.
Leah: I'm going to bed girl, be careful, I don't want to be the one to have to tell your parents you died in Somerville!

And then DD decided to lie down with his head in my bag...until I remembered that he was supposed to be directing the cabbie, at which point I nudged him to pay attention to where we were. He sat up as we were passing a little league field and shouts, "DUDE, why are you taking us by FENWAY??" I told him that it was not in fact Fenway, and he goes, "YEAH, because there's the Citgo sign!" To which I replied, "No DD, that's just a regular gas station." Sick life.

We've spoken since this magical first date, and plan on hanging out again soon. More to come on that later though, because the events that have followed date number one definitely deserve their own posts.

Hope you guys all had a spectacular weekend!

XOXO - Christine

Why Every Girl Needs a Married Man Friend

So, I'm currently fb chatting with "Odd Job," who has been one of my friends since my freshman year of college. He was two years ahead of me in school and, as such, is a few years ahead of me in life as well. You see, Odd Job is not only in the process of house hunting, but he's also MARRIED. God I feel old.
Anyway, Odd Job has always been a valuable asset to my social circle as he is forever ready with sage advice and handy insights on the menfolk that the girls and I find ourselves involved with. He's like a little relationship buddha. Most recently, he has advised me on the Manbaby incident, but his body of work also includes some light counseling on the Mildly Gay Ex-Boyfriend Debacle of 2006, and extensive hand-holding during the Boring Boyfriend Fiasco of 2005.

The fact that he's been with his now-wife since high school gives him a unique perspective on the dating scene and allows him to keep me in check when I begin to blabber on about how XYZ boy has yet to call me back. He's like a walking, talking, autographed copy of "He's Just Not That Into You." I mean, I doubt he's ever read the book, nevermind quoted it, but he is definitely great at reminding me that I deserve better treatment than I require.

As I was just telling him, I think that upon graduation, every girl should receive a complimentary package that includes the SATC dvds, take-out menus, a married man friend, a gay bff, and the number for the most reputable local cab company. All of the above are beyond necessary on those days when you feel down, sad, lonely, or anything less than phenomenal.

In that spirit, here is the convo we just had regarding Match.com:

Me: OMG. A person with the username "Foochmeister" just winked at me on match.
Odd Job: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: SHOOT ME
Odd Job: I just want to join match.com to see all the hilariousness that it is.
Me: OMG, it's incredible. I had this one guy that winked at me like two weeks ago, so I looked at his profile while I was talking to one of my friends, and I'm like hmmm, he's cute I guess, but he kind of looks off, like a paraplegic. So, I said, "no thanks," to his wink and continued clicking through his photos. And then BAM, WHEELCHAIR. And not the kind they make you sit in at the hospital when they wheel you out. OH NO, this was the super intense kind that has a joystick and everything.
Odd Job: Wow, wow.
Me: I felt awful, slash I literally lol’d.
Odd Job: Hey, at least you wouldn't have to wheel him around, he could do it himself haha.
Me: Haha, true. But wait, it gets better, two days later, ANOTHER guy in a wheelchair winked at me! I mean, I know I'm kind of a couch potato, but I'm not immobile!
Odd Job: That's so weird.
Me: How do these people think that I'm that much of a good person that I would be down to sit around with them all the time?
Odd Job: Yeah, what’s up with that?
Me: Maybe I secretly look like a paraplegic in my photos??
Odd Job: Hahahaha, I don't think so.
Me: Thanks, that’s reassuring haha.

Totally love this kid. On that note, it's bedtime for this blogger! Way more to come tomorrow, especially if I get a little drunkski on my date...keep your fingers crossed for some blackout iMovie action haha.

XOXO - Christine

Incredible Match.com Find

So for those of you who aren't on Match.com, you should know that each and every day, Match handpicks five new matches for you based on three things that you have in common. For example, they'll say, "Here's Steve; like you, he's a nonsmoker, an only child, and you both share an interest in golf." Then, they will provide you with your match's basic profile and a few photos. These matches are almost always the exact opposite of what I'm looking for, but provide me with much joy and laughter each day. Hell, I might continue my subscription just for the pure entertainment value of the Daily 5, nevermind my always amusing admirers.

Here is the most fantastic Daily 5 pick that I've come across so far, along with his "About Me" section:


"I'm an 18 year old college student just looking for a good time. I don't really need a serious relationship right now. Age really isn't a problem for me unless you're way over 40. My dream date would be dinner, movie, and a good time back at her place."


In-fucking-credible. What a creepshow. Honestly, if you're a college student who just wants to get laid, why do you need a dating website? It's called alcohol. Give enough to pretty much any freshman girl and you're golden. This kid clearly needs a mentor to help him navigate the whole getting action thing, because he's obviously not capable of hitting it on his own.

I'm sorry BCEagles06, but I think you need to get back to playing D&D in your parents' basement, because I don't think you're losing your v-card anytime soon with this strategy.

XOXO - Christine

FML - Match.com Date #1

Hello bunnies! I hope you all had a spectacular week and are looking forward to an exciting weekend! I, for one, had quite the ridiculous week, courtesy of Match.com. Let me explain...

Last Friday night, Jenn and I went out to Revere to see the movie, "I Love You, Man," which was hilarious and awesome. After the movie, we headed back into the city and Jenn went over to her boyfriend's place. I was crazy tired and feeling run down, so I decided to stay in and rest up in order to rally for Saturday.

Well, it was getting late and I couldn't sleep, so I logged onto Match and AIM for a little entertainment. As soon as I signed onto Match, this kid I've exchanged a few e-mails with IM'd me. We talked for a little while, and he suggested we grab a few drinks, right then. I thought it over, and decided that I wasn't really interested in him, but it could still be fun.

A little while later, he biked (yes, biked) over from the South End and we walked down by the wharf to have a few beers. It was getting chilly, and he seemed cool enough, so we wound up back in the apartment. After a few rounds of Drunken Jumbling Tower (aka ghetto Jenga), he turned to me and asked if he could stay over. The obvious answer was a resounding NO, but instead of respecting that and going on his way, HE THREW A TEMPER TANTRUM.

Like, this kid legitimately flipped his shit and started yelling at me. He called me an "elitist bitch" and told me that the only way people get into prep school is for athletic scholarships (he had one for wrestling) or when their parents buy their way in. Appalled, I began making shit up and telling him that I had a perfect score on my SSATs and that he could go fuck himself. He continued to yell at me irrationally, so I kicked him the hell out and told him to have fun never getting laid.

He then proceeded to call me during his bike ride home to yell some more about how not awesome he thought I was. I hung up. Obviously.

New life goal: find a man who doesn't whine like a 5-year old.

More to come!

XOXO - Christine

The Best of the Worst

Here are some photos of the most hilariously awkward men who have looked at my profile/winked at/e-mailed me on Match.com in the past week.  Enjoy!

Hot but SOOOOO Ricky-Martin-trapped-in-the-closetesque:

Clearly a LARPer:Oh boy, I don't even know where to begin:

All I have to say is wow, just...WOW.

More to come.

XOXO - Christine

JDate and Match and eHarm, Oh My!

So my bunnies, tonight's topic du jour is, you guessed it, online dating!

A while ago, my friends and I were having a discussion about various online dating sites and whether or not we deemed online dating to be desperate or resourceful. A few of them seemed open to the idea and one had even joined eHarmony, but I was adamantly against the concept. While I appreciated the implied convenience of screening potential dates before actually wasting your time with them, I argued that those sites must be full of ogreish men who were too shy and/or ugly to approach girls in person. Exhibit A:

Well, my friendlies, it turns out that I was right...and wrong.
Let me explain...

So remember last week, when I was recovering from the Manbaby Fiasco of 2009? Well, my friend BCBG came over to cheer me up and we wound up spending some quality time browsing her JDate matches...suffice it to say, it was both magical and hilarious. While there were ogres and d-bags aplenty, there was also a healthy smattering of normal looking, well-adjusted man situations in the mix.

After BCBG explained how the whole process of online dating works, and I think a bit of the stigma dissolved for me. I'm nowhere near ready to settle down yet, but I wouldn't mind casually dating, and it's nearly impossible to meet suitable men in bars these days. Yes, you can meet a nice guy with whom you're compatible, but that always almost ends in a one night stand, not a first date. So, with BCBG's guidance, I've gone viral with my love life...

Initially, I signed up for eHarmony, but quickly realized that their method of matching people based on their "29 dimensions" was not going to work. Despite my preference settings, eHarm was convinced that my perfect match is approximately 5'6" and 32-years old. Not okay eHarm, not okay.

After my hate/hate relationship with eHarm ended prematurely, I joined the infamous Match.com. Within an hour, I had 5 winks (mostly from creeps) and a few messages. I deleted all but one, and he and I have been messaging back and forth since then, so we shall see! I'm so sorry TonyBaby1524, but your epic guidotastic-ness just doesn't do it for me. Prep school and a lack of sideburns are mutually exclusive, or didn't you know?

Well, that's it for now friendlies. Many more updates to come on this fascinating topic!

XOXO - Christine