Summertime = Awesome!

So.....I won't be posting any life updates today because my best married man friend, Odd Job, just called and invited me to this afternoon's Sox game! I haven't seen him in forever, so I'm pretty pumped, especially considering how ready he looks for some awesome Sox action:

Love it. Will tweet some photos from the game, but until then, and until tomorrow, kisses for all of you and get out there and enjoy the beautiful weather!!

XOXO - Christine

Threesomes and Balconies and Bedwetting...Oh My?

Odd Job: Hey, how was the weekend?
Me: Um, get ready for the best story evaaa.
Odd Job: Oh yeah?
Me: It was beyond ridic. I’ll do my best to give you the condensed version.
Odd Job: Can’t wait.
Me: So, the girls and I went out for Erin’s bday this weekend. We did dins in back bay and then hit up Market, by Faneuil.
Odd Job: Never been, sounds fun.
Me: Yeah, it was. So as midnight approached, the girls and I made our way from the big room downstairs to the front bar, so Erin could take the obligatory birthday shots. As we’re walking, I spot JDubs, my former hook up of “I hope you get the herp and dife” fame. We give each other an awkward hug and I tell him I’ll see him later.
Odd Job: Wow, talk about random.
Me: So we get up to the bar’s roof deck later on, and of course, the first person we see is JDubs. I proceed to make his life as awk as humanly possible by telling his friends the story of how he lied to me about going to Harvard when we first met, among others. Eventually I run out of awkward things to say, they realize they’re not getting anywhere with Jenn, and they head downstairs. This leaves me with JDubs, and his friend TG, who had just shown up after texting me to meet up all night. Full disclosure: TG and I hooked up once last winter after a rousing night of karaoke. Apparently my amateur rendition of Biz Markie’s “Just a Friend” really did it for him
Odd Job: HAHAHA
Me: anyway, as soon as his friends leave, he (JDubs) is ALL over me. I'm like WTF and start rolling with TG instead, to get away from JDubs. Unfortunately, JDubs sees this as a golden opportunity to suggest a THREESOME.
Odd Job: shut the fuck up
Me: Yup, second guy in two weeks to throw that out there…
Odd Job: What a jackass
Me: Yeah, so he keeps pushing this, and I'm like NOOOOO haha. Eventually, aka after an hour or two, he realizes it's not happening and then gets pissed. He tells me to go hook up with TG and leave him alone because, “he has nothing else to say to me.”
Odd Job: HAHAHAHA and you said.......ok see ya biatch!!!
Me: haha, pretty much. anyway, closing time comes, and I get a text from TG, saying that he’s already at my building.
Odd Job: that’s random.
Me: Yeah, so I wound up walking home with this kid Joe, who is turning 27 tomorrow, and who gave me a mini lecture on relationships. He did this, because he was fresh from the split with his girlfriend, who had dumped him at the bar when she saw him talking to Anna. Awesome Times.
Odd Job: Wow
Me: anyway, I get home, and TG and I hook up.
Odd Job: Of course.
Me: ON MY BALCONY
Odd Job: HAHAHAHAA
Me: ON HANOVER, WITH PASSERBY WHO HAD NO IDEA
Odd Job: amazing
Me: until I saw Jenn coming down the street with all of our friends and we ran inside haha.
Odd Job: Holy shit, fucking crazy. I bet that was awesome.
Me: after that, we all went to pompeii for food with everyone. We ran into 5 boys from school. And then TG made me take some crazy route home b/c he was convinced that he saw some kid who wanted to kick his ass.
Odd Job: good work.
Me: TG tried to convince me to come home with him, to MEDFORD, because he had his new bed being delivered in the morning. There’s no way that was happening, so he wound up passing out in my room in all of his clothes.
Odd Job: Right.
Me: So in the morning, I wake up as he’s getting out of my bed. He just looks at me and goes, “uhh, Christine, I think you’re going to be mad at me…” I followed his gaze to my bed and yelled, “OH MY GOD, DID YOU PEE MY BED!??” The answer? YES. YES HE DID.
Odd Job: AAAAHHHHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Me: And the best part? After he said that, he goes, “Well at least it wasn’t in my brand new bed!”
Odd Job: Your life is fucking incredible.
Me: I gave him clothes to go home in; he said I was a good friend haha.
Odd Job: now that's a fucking walk of shame, walking home in girl’s clothes.
Me: Nono, I gave him shorts and flip flops that belonged to a guy I used to work with, who I had a thing with for like three weeks a looong time ago. I’ve told him to come pick up his shit at least a half dozen times, so it’s his own fault that they now belong to a bed wetter haha.
Odd Job: again, your life = amazing
Me: Just another day in the life…anyway, that was pretty much it.
Odd Job: awesome story, awesome life. It always entertains me.
Me: my life is a fucking JOOOOKE
Odd Job: hey, are you happy??? Because that’s all that matters.
Me: True story.

THE END

I hope you all enjoyed that little glimpse into my joke of a life as much as I enjoyed living it...

More to come this weekend, especially since I'll be hanging out with all of these boys again at Erin and Leah's super sweet 24th bday party...can't wait!!

XOXO - Christine

Patches O'Houlihan, Rent-a-Cop

Please enjoy tonight's edition of "Convos with Odd Job." The subject matter is my latest manfriend and the awkwardness that is my life...but what else is new, right?

Odd Job: hey there
Me: heyyyyoooo
Odd Job: how goes it?
Me: I am exhausteddddd. I have a funny man story for you though. Remember the guy I was seeing?
Odd Job: yes
Me: well I dropped him. He was way too flaky...and I've been banging a cop.
Odd Job: HAHAHAHA, that's awesome.
Me: His name is Patches O'Grady*
Odd Job: Right
Me: except I was telling my friends about it this weekend, and all of a sudden Melissa (Anna's new roomie) yells, "I KNOW HIM!" Apparently she used to have a thing with his roommate.
Odd Job: no way!!!!
Me: Yeah, and she did some digging this week and apparently "Patches O'Grady" the "cop" is actually "Patches O'Houlihan" the "jail guard." WTF. FML.
Odd Job: hahaha, so he's really not a cop...he's a rentacop
Me: that's even worse than the time JDubs lied to me about going to Harvard...mostly b/c I knew that was a lie from the moment he said it haha
Odd Job: that's awesome. you sure can find 'em
Me: I know, right? My life is a jooooke
Odd Job: It's entertaining.
Me: the night I met the "cop," I texted DD, the flaky one, and he didn't respond (this was easter weekend). So I walked up to the cop, whose friend had hit on me earlier in the night BY STEPPING ON ME (sidenote: really? that's supposed to win me over?), and told him that he was more attractive than his friend. Five minutes later we went back to my place.
Odd Job: hahaha oh wow.
Me: but yeah, I think he lied about the cop thing to impress me, and then lied about his name in case I was crazy.
Odd Job: yeah I'd say he definitely lied about being a cop to get with you.
Me: but then the next day, after the initial hook up, I texted him, and I believe my exact words were: "Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?" To which he replied, "What does that entail?"
Odd Job: Hahahaha. He's an idiot if he didn't understand what that meant.
Me: Well, I think he was trying to play coy. Anyway, I told him it meant that we could bang it out on the regular while avoiding public interaction. He said he was into it and BAM, our "courtship" began.
Odd Job: Haha, that's awesome. So now you have a new FB.
Me: Yup. He's come over 5 or 6 times now, twice last week, and he usually stays over, but has yet to come clean about his real name/job. He actually referred to himself as "O'Grady" last week, which is odd since THAT'S NOT HIS NAME and it seems like far too much effort to keep up the charade. Also, when I asked him to tell me about his job b/c I thought it sounded fascinating, he said he didn't like to talk about work. Now it makes sense haha.
Odd Job: haha, yes, he tried to cover himself, but apparently that didn't work. When are you going to call him out?
Me: Well, he'll probably come over some night this weekend, at which point I'll probably bang him and then call him out. Mostly so he won't feel attacked right when he shows up and I'm like, "the jig is up O'HOULIHAN!"
Odd Job: hahahaha, you're amazing.
Me: oh I knoooowww...

*Names have been modified to protect the "innocent." The "cop" does have a sweet mid-calf shamrock tat (classy, I know), so I thought I'd roll with the spirit of our ethnicity when renaming him.

So there you have it my friendlies. DD is out and Patches O'Houlihan is in. I've been saying all along that I don't need a boyfriend, I just need a consistent man situation, so this new set up is perfection. The whole FB thing was my idea, so I think he gets that I'm not looking for anything more at the moment. That's positive, especially since, according to his roommate (Melissa's former manfriend), he just got out of a longterm on-again, off-again relationship. I promise I'm playing it cool, because I would definitely prefer to avoid the mistakes I made with Comedy "I'll shoot you a text" Club. Thankfully, Patches is way better in bed and at life than CC ever was, you know, minus the whole rent-a-cop thing...

Hilarious addendum to this story: Patches came over around 2 or 3AM on the Saturday night before last (he was at Preakness this past weekend), and we went up to the roof to hang out. He was shitfaced and wanted to go urban hiking up the fire escape, which was fine, until he let the door slam behind us and we were totally locked out of the building. After trying every door and window, we finally realized it was hopeless and he had to sack up, go to the ground level, and scale a big, sketchy fence to get around front and let me in. Obviously I thought this was the most hilarious slash hottest thing ever, hence the following tuesday night hangout.

Moral of the story: As confusing and frustrating as life can be, it's also hilarious and fun. Happiness is often a choice, and it's one that you have to make on a daily basis. I could choose to be mad at Patches O'Houlihan, but I'd honestly rather just have fun with him and chalk the lies up to the fact that he thought we'd never hang out again. Eventually we'll part ways and I'll find a new guy to get locked on the roof with, but until then, I'm going to sit back and enjoy the ride...pun intended haha. Priorities people!!

Alright, enough of that haha. I have a looong day of class tomorrow, so it's bedtime for this bunny!

XOXO - Christine

Why Every Girl Needs a Married Man Friend

So, I'm currently fb chatting with "Odd Job," who has been one of my friends since my freshman year of college. He was two years ahead of me in school and, as such, is a few years ahead of me in life as well. You see, Odd Job is not only in the process of house hunting, but he's also MARRIED. God I feel old.
Anyway, Odd Job has always been a valuable asset to my social circle as he is forever ready with sage advice and handy insights on the menfolk that the girls and I find ourselves involved with. He's like a little relationship buddha. Most recently, he has advised me on the Manbaby incident, but his body of work also includes some light counseling on the Mildly Gay Ex-Boyfriend Debacle of 2006, and extensive hand-holding during the Boring Boyfriend Fiasco of 2005.

The fact that he's been with his now-wife since high school gives him a unique perspective on the dating scene and allows him to keep me in check when I begin to blabber on about how XYZ boy has yet to call me back. He's like a walking, talking, autographed copy of "He's Just Not That Into You." I mean, I doubt he's ever read the book, nevermind quoted it, but he is definitely great at reminding me that I deserve better treatment than I require.

As I was just telling him, I think that upon graduation, every girl should receive a complimentary package that includes the SATC dvds, take-out menus, a married man friend, a gay bff, and the number for the most reputable local cab company. All of the above are beyond necessary on those days when you feel down, sad, lonely, or anything less than phenomenal.

In that spirit, here is the convo we just had regarding Match.com:

Me: OMG. A person with the username "Foochmeister" just winked at me on match.
Odd Job: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: SHOOT ME
Odd Job: I just want to join match.com to see all the hilariousness that it is.
Me: OMG, it's incredible. I had this one guy that winked at me like two weeks ago, so I looked at his profile while I was talking to one of my friends, and I'm like hmmm, he's cute I guess, but he kind of looks off, like a paraplegic. So, I said, "no thanks," to his wink and continued clicking through his photos. And then BAM, WHEELCHAIR. And not the kind they make you sit in at the hospital when they wheel you out. OH NO, this was the super intense kind that has a joystick and everything.
Odd Job: Wow, wow.
Me: I felt awful, slash I literally lol’d.
Odd Job: Hey, at least you wouldn't have to wheel him around, he could do it himself haha.
Me: Haha, true. But wait, it gets better, two days later, ANOTHER guy in a wheelchair winked at me! I mean, I know I'm kind of a couch potato, but I'm not immobile!
Odd Job: That's so weird.
Me: How do these people think that I'm that much of a good person that I would be down to sit around with them all the time?
Odd Job: Yeah, what’s up with that?
Me: Maybe I secretly look like a paraplegic in my photos??
Odd Job: Hahahaha, I don't think so.
Me: Thanks, that’s reassuring haha.

Totally love this kid. On that note, it's bedtime for this blogger! Way more to come tomorrow, especially if I get a little drunkski on my date...keep your fingers crossed for some blackout iMovie action haha.

XOXO - Christine