The Break-Up Breakdown

Heyyyyy friends!

I hope everyone had as wild a weekend as I did...but that's probably not where I should begin, now is it? I know you're all just dyyyying to hear about my love life, especially since I went dark for a week without any word on the Jim situation.

So, where're we at, you ask? Short answer: In a much better place. Long answer: Brace yourself, it's complicated.

When I last left you friendlies, I hadn't heard from Jim since the break-up phone call heard 'round the bar, and was fully preparing myself for the inevitable vanishing act to follow. Thankfully, he finally contacted me later that night (via text) to say that he'd definitely like to meet up mid-week to talk things out and that he'd call me the following day.

Wednesday night rolled around, and after the longest day of all time, I made the drive over to his house. We went upstairs to talk, and I think we were both glad that we'd had a few days to think things through. He apologized for telling me on Friday night that we had "no chemistry" and said that he had been angry with me for posting La Roux's "Bulletproof" video on facebook, because it seemed to be directed entirely at him. I admitted that we had moved to fast; spent too much time together from the beginning. I said I was sorry for letting us get into a rut so soon, and explained that I hadn't been giving him my best me.

In the end, we decided to take a no contact break for 2-3 weeks, and then we can go from there. My fear is that he'll throw himself back into the dating game, meet another girl, and do the exact same thing to her in his quest to get over the hurt from his last break-up. I told him as much, and that my hope is that we'll both take this time to regroup. I need to get back to being my normal, fun, non-stressed self, and he needs to get over his ex-girlfriend and back to a place where he's ready to open up again.

Post-talk, I ventured downstairs where I bumped into his parents, who I'd really gotten to know during our brief courtship. I felt as though they deserved a proper goodbye, so I told them that we were taking a break, and that I didn't know if I'd be back. I thanked them for having me in their home, at which point they both bear hugged me while his dad called me "kiddo" and his mom patted my back and said, "we'll see, we'll see!" Definitely a bit of a bittersweet moment.

Jim walked me out, gave me a big hug, and said that drunk texts and dials would be forgiven, which is good for everyone since we both made that mistake this past weekend.

Speaking of the weekend...I had a wild time on Saturday night when a big group of us went out for Ali's birthday party at JTree.

For those of you who haven't been, it's a sports bar type of situation upstairs, with a sketchy sketch sketch dancefloor downstairs. We began the night on the upper level, where I actually ran into The Cop, before moving to the club level below as the night wore on.

I took down my fair share of Coors Lights and managed to black out pretty hard, but not before dancing around a pole and taking 1,000 awkward photos with my friends, including a very classy kitchen floor photo shoot with Kate.

It was definitely nice to get crazy and let loose with my friends after being so lame for all of January and February, and I feel like I'm getting back to being myself more and more every day. So, we shall see...until then, I love you all and I will be back here blogging again soon!

XOXO - Christine

My life, in a nutshell.

Oh boy, where do I begin...

As you know, after the thing with Tom went horribly awry (more on that after), I pretty much vowed to quit dating and said "laterss" to Match.com in a big, totally rebellious way, very much reminiscent of that time I broke curfew by a whole HALF HOUR in high school, only to get a speeding ticket on my way home...what I'm trying to say is that though I possessed the desire to just say no, I failed miserably at following through. Apparently, leaving Match.com for good is like trying to slam a duck phone; damn near impossible.


Reasons to rejoin Match.com:

1. This article scares the shit out of me.

2. I need something other than Elephante (elle-eh-FAWN-tay) to snuggle with and a man (boy? kidding...) other than Drew to force my hugs upon.

3. I enjoy activities. Activities other than shopping tend to be more fun when accompanied by a person to whom you are animalistically attracted. With the exception of JDubs, one night stands to whom you are attracted usually don't invite you to brunch and/or a Bruins game after a sloppy night of bar-side make-outs. Ipso facto, I need a proper man friend in my life.


Reasons to run screaming for the hills:

1. Men are terrible liars. This means that when I hang out with a "single" guy and agree to go out with him the following week, and even make out with him, I can google his name the next day and am inevitably able to find out his wife's name and the location of their bee-yoo-ti-full wedding that occurred three years prior. If a man is going to do this to me in the future, I'd like him to at least have some tact and discretion. Unfortunately, this doesn't appear to be possible. Strike one for the men folk...

2. How much more can I really put up with in the bullshit department before, to quote Omarion, there's an icebox where my heart used to be? I thought I couldn't handle much else after the Manbaby incident, but as it turns out, I've been through a lot more, and I've become shockingly resilient.

3. Can't I just wait for my ideal man to come find me? You know, isn't he just supposed to stumble across me in some adorable meet-cute fashion fit for a romcom...while I sit back and write this blog from my couch...oh. wait. That's how fabulous twenty-somethings blink and become 40-year old cat ladies. Gross, I guess I do really have to get back out there, though, on second thought, the term "lady" does imply dignity, which is more than I have going fo me right now....hmmm, connundrum!

Whelp, it's settled...I guess I'm going to simply reactivate my Match profile and cross my fingers. And now for the tales that brought me to this (metaphorical) place...coming in the next post.

More in a few!

XOXO - Christine

Oh, and then this happened...

So, this past weekend I spent a day or two in NH and then traveled back to Boston for some Saturday night fun. I've been pretty stressed out lately because I have tons of schoolwork and a major licensing exam coming up, so I thought some big, strong, man loving could really help me decompress, so Drunk Me decided that this was the best option:

That's right friends, I searched for a "sloppy make outs" iPhone app, and guess what?? There is NOT an app for that. Blasphemy, I say! Don't worry kids, I plan on suing Apple for emotional distress and false advertising immediately...or you know...when I get around to it.

More emotional pain and distress to follow.

XOXO - Christine

My very own texts from last night...

Oooh bunnies....do I have a story for you. Actually, it's more of a collection of moments that I didn't black out, but here goes. So, last night we all dressed up and hopped aboard a very preppy booze cruise around Boston Harbor. It was a fabulous time, full of seersucker, drink tickets, and dancing whilst trying not to fall over as the boat rocked. After the boat docked, everyone headed to J.A. Stats for the after party.

This is where things start to get fuzzy for me and my texting abilities declined dramatically. According to the people I was with, I went off on my own and got lost, then we all met up at Bell in Hand, where I made out with some random dude, and then I convinced a guy, who is in my phone as "Indiana Jones," to come over. I guess drunk me knew I needed a chaperone... anyway, here are the incredible textchanges that followed...enjoy!

This is a convo between me and Patches O'Houlihan. I was trying to get him to come play on my roofdeck:

And "fond a ne w boy" I did:

To Eubanks, who wasn't in town last night:
Apparently I wasn't the only one who couldn't text...


And to Matt, one of my neighbor's who was on the booze cruise. I "hated" them all because they were being slow and I wound up in an alley by myself. Whoops.

To Eubanks, JDubs, and BDubs...I have NO idea where the n'sync comment came from:

And the pièce de résistance, my convo with "Indiana Jones."

WOW. Good times. These texts definitely explain why I'm still hungover at 5PM on a Friday. Alright, I think it's time to pack my bags and head to the lake! I'll be back sometime next week and will hopefully be able to do some blogging when I'm not baking in the sun!

Hope you guys all have phenomenal weekends!!

XOXO - Christine

Patches O'Houlihan Update

Oh friendlies....do I have an update for you!

So, as you all know by now, God gets his kicks by smiting me daily for not believing in him. Sometimes this smiting comes in the form of the T not running due to "power outages," or a drunken mexican aggressively hitting on me whilst sitting thisfar from me on said T, or, I don't know, perhaps by presenting me with average looking men who are good in bed but insist upon lying to me on the regular? AKA JDubs and the "cop" formerly known as Patches O'Houlihan."

Alright, so last Wednesday night, I went out to dins with Ali and Karen and got a little drunski. I texted Patches a very ladylike message ("Guess who&s drunkkk...") and after a flurry of dirty and logistical texting, he showed up at my door (Jenn, aren't you glad you go to sleep early!). One bang sesh later...I called him out. Here is the convo that followed:

Me: So, funny story, remember that friend I pointed out to you on my wall who was from Belmont? Well her roommate, Melissa, used to have a thing with your roommate.
Patches: What are you talking about?
Me: Your roommate, Jason? Melissa had a thing with him a while ago. I was telling her how we got locked out on the roof last weekend and I guess she realized she'd met you before and talked to Jason about it.
Patches: Um, Patches O'HOULIHAN lives with Jason, I live with Bill Walsh. I'm Patches O'GRADY.
Me: Well, not according to Melissa. She e-mailed me earlier saying she knew who you were, and that I should be careful because you've been lying to me.

--Insert long convo about how he's not Patches O'Houlihan, but he knows him well and many other lies.--

Post-convo, he tells me he'll ask his boss about the date for my cousin's wedding that I invited him to in June. He begins to head out the door, but comes back and gives me a hug and a kiss on the head. It was very out of character and I have no idea what made him do this. Maybe he thought that I naively believed lie-fest part deux and felt like he was off the hook?

Anyway, after he left, I called Melissa and was like WTF. We decided that the best way to confirm that Patches O'Grady and Patches O'Houlihan were the same person would be to find out what kind of car Jason's roommate drives. JACKPOT. Patches O'Houlihan drives a black Nissan Xterra...just like my dear manfriend Patches O'Grady...how curious...

After hearing this, I obviously couldn't contain myself and wound up calling him right then. He shockingly picked up (I didn't think he would after our earlier convo). I told him that I knew for sure that he was lying to me, and that I didn't care that he lied, because sometimes I tell guys that my name is Chloe, but that I needed him to acknowledge the lie so we could forget about it and move on.

Finally, he goes, "will that make things better?" I said, "yes, 100%," and he then conceded, "yeah, I did." I asked him why, and he said it was to avoid, "stalker shit." The irony of that reasoning is hilarious to me, because we wound up figuring out who he really is without even meaning to and without his real name. After he admitted it, he sounded incredibly bummed, but I'm not sure why. My theory is that he realized that by discovery his real name, I must have also uncovered the lie about his job. Melissa and I agree that he was probably embarrassed about this and felt like an idiot for trying to make himself look better.

I told him it didn't change anything and that I still wanted to bang him, and that I wasn't going to stalk him or want to date him, etc., but that I just wanted him to be honest. He told me he'd still check on that date for me (again, surprising, I didn't think he would), and that was that.

OH MY LIFE.

A second update for this post: Patches and I briefly talked on Friday because I wanted to confirm that he wouldn't be able to come to the wedding. He apparently has another wedding to go to on the 20th, so he can't take two weekends in a row off from work. I told him no worries, and to have a fun Memorial Day Weekend. He immediately responded with, "Are you mad at me? Are you going to be around this weekend?" I guess that means we're still a go..! Get ready for some more updates my friendlies!!

XOXO - Christine

P.S. I hope everyone had an awesome weekend full of beer, BBQ's, and fun! Mine was pretty low-key, but very relaxing. I went to NH for a few days, and then returned to Boston and spent all day today hanging out with Melissa and one of my new neighbors (Hey Andrew) on the roof deck. We also have new neighbors upstairs who seem cool, so it's looking like we might have a more dormstyle living situation in the buidling this summer. I love the idea of everyone partying together and hanging out on the roof, so I'm beyond pumped for the coming months and I hope you guys are too!

Patches O'Houlihan, Rent-a-Cop

Please enjoy tonight's edition of "Convos with Odd Job." The subject matter is my latest manfriend and the awkwardness that is my life...but what else is new, right?

Odd Job: hey there
Me: heyyyyoooo
Odd Job: how goes it?
Me: I am exhausteddddd. I have a funny man story for you though. Remember the guy I was seeing?
Odd Job: yes
Me: well I dropped him. He was way too flaky...and I've been banging a cop.
Odd Job: HAHAHAHA, that's awesome.
Me: His name is Patches O'Grady*
Odd Job: Right
Me: except I was telling my friends about it this weekend, and all of a sudden Melissa (Anna's new roomie) yells, "I KNOW HIM!" Apparently she used to have a thing with his roommate.
Odd Job: no way!!!!
Me: Yeah, and she did some digging this week and apparently "Patches O'Grady" the "cop" is actually "Patches O'Houlihan" the "jail guard." WTF. FML.
Odd Job: hahaha, so he's really not a cop...he's a rentacop
Me: that's even worse than the time JDubs lied to me about going to Harvard...mostly b/c I knew that was a lie from the moment he said it haha
Odd Job: that's awesome. you sure can find 'em
Me: I know, right? My life is a jooooke
Odd Job: It's entertaining.
Me: the night I met the "cop," I texted DD, the flaky one, and he didn't respond (this was easter weekend). So I walked up to the cop, whose friend had hit on me earlier in the night BY STEPPING ON ME (sidenote: really? that's supposed to win me over?), and told him that he was more attractive than his friend. Five minutes later we went back to my place.
Odd Job: hahaha oh wow.
Me: but yeah, I think he lied about the cop thing to impress me, and then lied about his name in case I was crazy.
Odd Job: yeah I'd say he definitely lied about being a cop to get with you.
Me: but then the next day, after the initial hook up, I texted him, and I believe my exact words were: "Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?" To which he replied, "What does that entail?"
Odd Job: Hahahaha. He's an idiot if he didn't understand what that meant.
Me: Well, I think he was trying to play coy. Anyway, I told him it meant that we could bang it out on the regular while avoiding public interaction. He said he was into it and BAM, our "courtship" began.
Odd Job: Haha, that's awesome. So now you have a new FB.
Me: Yup. He's come over 5 or 6 times now, twice last week, and he usually stays over, but has yet to come clean about his real name/job. He actually referred to himself as "O'Grady" last week, which is odd since THAT'S NOT HIS NAME and it seems like far too much effort to keep up the charade. Also, when I asked him to tell me about his job b/c I thought it sounded fascinating, he said he didn't like to talk about work. Now it makes sense haha.
Odd Job: haha, yes, he tried to cover himself, but apparently that didn't work. When are you going to call him out?
Me: Well, he'll probably come over some night this weekend, at which point I'll probably bang him and then call him out. Mostly so he won't feel attacked right when he shows up and I'm like, "the jig is up O'HOULIHAN!"
Odd Job: hahahaha, you're amazing.
Me: oh I knoooowww...

*Names have been modified to protect the "innocent." The "cop" does have a sweet mid-calf shamrock tat (classy, I know), so I thought I'd roll with the spirit of our ethnicity when renaming him.

So there you have it my friendlies. DD is out and Patches O'Houlihan is in. I've been saying all along that I don't need a boyfriend, I just need a consistent man situation, so this new set up is perfection. The whole FB thing was my idea, so I think he gets that I'm not looking for anything more at the moment. That's positive, especially since, according to his roommate (Melissa's former manfriend), he just got out of a longterm on-again, off-again relationship. I promise I'm playing it cool, because I would definitely prefer to avoid the mistakes I made with Comedy "I'll shoot you a text" Club. Thankfully, Patches is way better in bed and at life than CC ever was, you know, minus the whole rent-a-cop thing...

Hilarious addendum to this story: Patches came over around 2 or 3AM on the Saturday night before last (he was at Preakness this past weekend), and we went up to the roof to hang out. He was shitfaced and wanted to go urban hiking up the fire escape, which was fine, until he let the door slam behind us and we were totally locked out of the building. After trying every door and window, we finally realized it was hopeless and he had to sack up, go to the ground level, and scale a big, sketchy fence to get around front and let me in. Obviously I thought this was the most hilarious slash hottest thing ever, hence the following tuesday night hangout.

Moral of the story: As confusing and frustrating as life can be, it's also hilarious and fun. Happiness is often a choice, and it's one that you have to make on a daily basis. I could choose to be mad at Patches O'Houlihan, but I'd honestly rather just have fun with him and chalk the lies up to the fact that he thought we'd never hang out again. Eventually we'll part ways and I'll find a new guy to get locked on the roof with, but until then, I'm going to sit back and enjoy the ride...pun intended haha. Priorities people!!

Alright, enough of that haha. I have a looong day of class tomorrow, so it's bedtime for this bunny!

XOXO - Christine