Patches O'Houlihan, Rent-a-Cop

Please enjoy tonight's edition of "Convos with Odd Job." The subject matter is my latest manfriend and the awkwardness that is my life...but what else is new, right?

Odd Job: hey there
Me: heyyyyoooo
Odd Job: how goes it?
Me: I am exhausteddddd. I have a funny man story for you though. Remember the guy I was seeing?
Odd Job: yes
Me: well I dropped him. He was way too flaky...and I've been banging a cop.
Odd Job: HAHAHAHA, that's awesome.
Me: His name is Patches O'Grady*
Odd Job: Right
Me: except I was telling my friends about it this weekend, and all of a sudden Melissa (Anna's new roomie) yells, "I KNOW HIM!" Apparently she used to have a thing with his roommate.
Odd Job: no way!!!!
Me: Yeah, and she did some digging this week and apparently "Patches O'Grady" the "cop" is actually "Patches O'Houlihan" the "jail guard." WTF. FML.
Odd Job: hahaha, so he's really not a cop...he's a rentacop
Me: that's even worse than the time JDubs lied to me about going to Harvard...mostly b/c I knew that was a lie from the moment he said it haha
Odd Job: that's awesome. you sure can find 'em
Me: I know, right? My life is a jooooke
Odd Job: It's entertaining.
Me: the night I met the "cop," I texted DD, the flaky one, and he didn't respond (this was easter weekend). So I walked up to the cop, whose friend had hit on me earlier in the night BY STEPPING ON ME (sidenote: really? that's supposed to win me over?), and told him that he was more attractive than his friend. Five minutes later we went back to my place.
Odd Job: hahaha oh wow.
Me: but yeah, I think he lied about the cop thing to impress me, and then lied about his name in case I was crazy.
Odd Job: yeah I'd say he definitely lied about being a cop to get with you.
Me: but then the next day, after the initial hook up, I texted him, and I believe my exact words were: "Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?" To which he replied, "What does that entail?"
Odd Job: Hahahaha. He's an idiot if he didn't understand what that meant.
Me: Well, I think he was trying to play coy. Anyway, I told him it meant that we could bang it out on the regular while avoiding public interaction. He said he was into it and BAM, our "courtship" began.
Odd Job: Haha, that's awesome. So now you have a new FB.
Me: Yup. He's come over 5 or 6 times now, twice last week, and he usually stays over, but has yet to come clean about his real name/job. He actually referred to himself as "O'Grady" last week, which is odd since THAT'S NOT HIS NAME and it seems like far too much effort to keep up the charade. Also, when I asked him to tell me about his job b/c I thought it sounded fascinating, he said he didn't like to talk about work. Now it makes sense haha.
Odd Job: haha, yes, he tried to cover himself, but apparently that didn't work. When are you going to call him out?
Me: Well, he'll probably come over some night this weekend, at which point I'll probably bang him and then call him out. Mostly so he won't feel attacked right when he shows up and I'm like, "the jig is up O'HOULIHAN!"
Odd Job: hahahaha, you're amazing.
Me: oh I knoooowww...

*Names have been modified to protect the "innocent." The "cop" does have a sweet mid-calf shamrock tat (classy, I know), so I thought I'd roll with the spirit of our ethnicity when renaming him.

So there you have it my friendlies. DD is out and Patches O'Houlihan is in. I've been saying all along that I don't need a boyfriend, I just need a consistent man situation, so this new set up is perfection. The whole FB thing was my idea, so I think he gets that I'm not looking for anything more at the moment. That's positive, especially since, according to his roommate (Melissa's former manfriend), he just got out of a longterm on-again, off-again relationship. I promise I'm playing it cool, because I would definitely prefer to avoid the mistakes I made with Comedy "I'll shoot you a text" Club. Thankfully, Patches is way better in bed and at life than CC ever was, you know, minus the whole rent-a-cop thing...

Hilarious addendum to this story: Patches came over around 2 or 3AM on the Saturday night before last (he was at Preakness this past weekend), and we went up to the roof to hang out. He was shitfaced and wanted to go urban hiking up the fire escape, which was fine, until he let the door slam behind us and we were totally locked out of the building. After trying every door and window, we finally realized it was hopeless and he had to sack up, go to the ground level, and scale a big, sketchy fence to get around front and let me in. Obviously I thought this was the most hilarious slash hottest thing ever, hence the following tuesday night hangout.

Moral of the story: As confusing and frustrating as life can be, it's also hilarious and fun. Happiness is often a choice, and it's one that you have to make on a daily basis. I could choose to be mad at Patches O'Houlihan, but I'd honestly rather just have fun with him and chalk the lies up to the fact that he thought we'd never hang out again. Eventually we'll part ways and I'll find a new guy to get locked on the roof with, but until then, I'm going to sit back and enjoy the ride...pun intended haha. Priorities people!!

Alright, enough of that haha. I have a looong day of class tomorrow, so it's bedtime for this bunny!

XOXO - Christine