DERBY BOUND!!

Alright loves, we're about to roll out for a crazy weekend road trip to Kentucky for the Derby. Wish us luck not getting Swine Flu or dying in a freak RV accident...

I hope you guys all have spectacular weekends, and I leave you with the following videos to enjoy in my absence. Thanks to one of my match men for the first one.

If I were a Bro AND Brohemian Rhapsody

I'll be back on Monday with photos and stories aplenty!

XOXO - Christine

Pole Dancing = Art. Who Knew?

Speaking of Twitter, Perez Hilton tweeted a link to this video earlier today and it is UNBELIEVABLE. I didn't even know that half of these moves were physically possible, probably because the only strippers I've ever seen in person were at RD's going away party and were admittedly bargain basement. Jenn, I think it's time for you to suck it up and order that Flirty Girl Fitness pole dancing video you've been joking about...

Apparently the move at 3:35 is called, "Spatchcock." This video is from the Miss Pole Dancing Australia 2008 competition, but "Felix" totally looks like a tranny. I checked out a few of her other videos though, and she looks a bit more ladylike with longer hair, so don't worry if you were into this video, because she's a post-op tranny at the very least haha.

XOXO - Christine

P.S. Here's the link to the video on youtube since some of it was cut off when I embedded it: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1PUppAaLCCs

Twitterati

Everyone knows that the best part about twitter is following FAKE celebrity profiles. They're over the top hilarious and generally phenomenal all around. Here are a few of my favorites that I think are worth checking out:

@the_swine_flu - In-fucking-credible. My favorite tweet so far: "@TinaFey When I'm not fucking passing biblical judgment on humanity, I watch 30 Rock on Hulu. SHIT IS EPIC! #swineflu"

@drtobiasfunke - For lovers of Arrested Development. Best so far: "It's cadbury cream egg season. I just love stuffing those cream filled chocolate pouches in my mouth and letting them melt away."

@Nick_Nolte - Anyone who's seen Nick Nolte's mugshot can only imagine what twisted things this dude is actually thinking about. Luckily, some brilliant creature put these hypothetical words on paper. Best tweet: "I'm trying to build up a tolerance to embalming fluid. You know, just in case."

@Stewie - Stewie Griffin, enough said.

@JackBauer - Best tweet thus far: "Why is Chloe telling TMZ that I'm going to be dead when we're done here? Jack Bauer doesn't die. He retires from life."

Love it! More to come tomorrow.

XOXO - Christine

P.S. I just got this in my inbox from Twitter and literally lol'd:

Hopefully it won't follow me to Derby this coming weekend!

Sick Ski/Snowboard Video

Hopefully you bunnies all have access to this, because it's awesome! I really just want to get crazy and watch it on repeat for a whole afternoon:

http://www.facebook.com/video/video.php?v=199433565064&ref=share

XOXO - Christine

TextsFromLastNight.com = Beyond Brilliant

Brilliant new website (new, as in founded this past February and I can't believe it took me this long to discover it - thank god for FB, my younger cousin, and all of her sketchy friends):

http://www.textsfromlastnight.com/

This site is incredible. It's similar to FML, but, dare I say, better? The only downside is that it's not very well known and therefore not updated as often as the gold standard of hilarious, communal commiseration. However, YOU can change all that, either by submitting your most awkward/embarrassing/outrageous texts online, at the above website, or by forwarding them to text@textsfromlastnight.com!!

I just posted a few choice textchanges from recent months. The funniest one has yet to be approved, but you can enjoy these for now:

1. Well that explains it...

2. Dife already.

3. In case I die...

Alright, WAY more to come tomorrow!!

XOXO - Christine

P.S. This one's my fave so far: Wat U Doin?

Oh. My. God.

I am horrified by this person's mere existence. Match.com, why oh why would you subject me to this!!???

"I do have a nerdy side so I'd love to meet a girl who doesn't mind my love of Star Wars, Lord of the Rings, video games and stuff like that."

I'm sorry adamjj1919, but I am not that girl. In fact, I am the opposite of that girl. May I suggest a playdate with everyone's favorite LARPer, Dave Olsen, of Beauty and the Geek fame? Awesome. Well, I hope you guys have fun with that. Until then, BACK THE FUCK OFF, okay bucko?
XOXO - Christine

P.S. Fun fact: My friends and I shared a magical evening of NESCAC booze cruising with Mr. Olsen last summer, but no one believed me when I began shouting that he was on Beauty and the Geek. In fact, I pretty much had to be restrained until he was out of sight so that I wouldn't run over and yell, "YOU'RE A GEEK," in his face. Well friendlies, the joke was on them the next day when I did some googling and uncovered a phenomenal video of him discussing his favorite pastime WHILE WEARING THE SAME OUTFIT HE WORE ON THE BOAT.

Friends: 0, Christine: 1. Or Friends: -5, Christine: 20,000, because I am also the one who spotted (and initiated partying with) Mr. Boston back in December '07. That's right bitches, I have an unhealthy addiction to trashy reality tv (is there any other kind?) and it sure as hell is paying off haha.

Lindsay Lohan's eHarmony Video

This is priceless:

Lindsay Lohan's eHarmony Profile from Lindsay Lohan

XOXO - Christine

Who is Nikkkiii...Haha, SOO Good.

I present, to you, the most amazing audio clips of all time:

#1 The set-up: An Indian woman living in the US suspects that her husband of three years (via arranged marriage) is cheating on her. She suggests that the radio station DJ call him and offer him a pair of Beyonce tickets, because he is OBSESSED with Beyonce. The catch is that the DJ asks the name of the person who the Indian dude will be bringing with him (Nikki), as well as a special message to that person. Hilarity ensues. Enjoy:



"The American girls, they use the mouth!" Haha, love it.

#2 In case you haven't heard it yet, the following is widely regarded as the douchiest series of voicemails of all time. Here is the backstory:

A girl named Olga was out with her friends in the Marina district of San Francisco (known for being a popular hang out for douches), and she talked to this guy named Dmitri for all of two minutes. Then she gave him her card and said “give me a call.” Listen to the whole thing, it just keeps getting better and better. I won’t even tell you my favorite parts because i don’t want to ruin anything. Just listen.

Here is the link to both of the voicemails:

http://www.ebaumsworld.com/audio/play/691530/

"You should actually look that up, passive-aggressive personality disorder."

In-fucking-credible.

Alright, that's it for now bunnies. I hope you had a few good laughs and I'll update later this week!

XOXO - Christine

Awkward Easter - FML

So, I went to my aunt and uncle's house for Easter this past weekend and had a great time chit-chatting with the extended fam about all sorts of topics...until my cousin brought up "Sexting."

Everyone looked befuddled, so I told my roomful of aunts, uncles, and grandmother figures that Sexting is the practice of texting dirty photos of yourselves to someone. We began discussing the stupidity of doing something like this, and the chances of the photos leaking, at which point I shouted, "IF YOU'RE GOING TO SEND DIRTY PHOTOS, AT LEAST MAKE SURE YOUR FACE ISN'T IN THEM!!"

The room went silent...until my aunt jumped in and said, "REALLY, Christine, is that how you're supposed to do it? Do tell!"

FML.

XOXO - Christine

Brilliant/Horrifying Discovery

Just read about Japan's annual penis festival, and am equal parts horrified and amused. I mean, I feel drawn to such an event for obvious reasons, but my aversion to Asian cultures prevents me from truly identifying with these lovely revelers.
If only this event happened in, say, Australia, I would be all over it. Also, as my always brilliant roomie has pointed out, why would a country known for it's modest penile proportions throw a festival complete with enormous, pink, plastic cocks? Why are they not paltry and yellow hued? So many questions and so few hours in the day to google answers...check out a link to the dlisted story here:

Penis Party!

Enjoy!

XOXO - Christine

Ding, Ding, Ding . . . We Have A Winner!!

Hello bunnies!!!

Sorry that I didn't get a chance to drunk blog about my date on Thursday night, but that may have a little something to do with the fact that I never came home...!!

Let me explain...

This past Thursday night, I was supposed to meet this lovely specimen of a man at the BHP (Beacon Hill Pub) for drinks at 6. However, he texted me during the day asking if we could move it to 7. Obviously, I obliged because I hadn't even begun getting ready. Finally, at 7:15, I rolled into the bar and immediately spotted DD playing darts with what looked like Buster the Jockey from my favorite show, "It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia." Incredible.

When he saw me, he came over and gave me a big hug and asked me if I wanted a drink. I grabbed a Coors Light (beer of champions) and we moseyed on over to one of the pub tables to have some lovely first date chit-chats...or so I thought. As it turns out, my date was drunk, but adorably so. Apparently, he had arrived at the bar a solid 45 minutes before I did, and Buster the lawn jockey had challenged him to a darts/drinking competition. Not one to turn down a challenge, Drunk Date took down a couple of shots and several beers before I showed up. Let's be real people, I probably would have done the same thing, so I really can't blame him for his choices, now can I? I mean, how often do you run into a 75 pound man who can drink you under the table?? Experiences like that come around but once in a lifetime my friendlies.

Anyway, after staring at my bedazzled flip flops for a solid minute, he looked deep into my eyes and said, "You're wearing SANDALS! Whaaaat?" He also told me that I smelled great about nine times before stating that he was a "pool man" and that darts weren't his game. And with this, we left the BHP to find a bar with a pool table. On the walk down Charles, I began to realize just how buzzed DD was. When I asked him if he'd been on any other match dates he said, "YOU. Maybe. I don't knoooow!" He was beginning to resemble the below photo more than the put together guy in his match profile...and I liked it.

You see, as I'm always saying to my friends, I need a man who's a little bit of a mess, because otherwise, they won't be able to handle me. I'm not saying that I want a guy who blacks out every night, but rather someone who appreciates the joy of getting a little sloppy on the weekends and won't judge me for the disaster that is my life. To me, DD's tipsiness was totally endearing.

As we continued walking and approached the public garden, DD stopped, scratched his head, and said, "You know, I'm a lot more tired than I thought I was. I think I'm going to go watch a movie. Do you want to come." My response was, "Come where? Somerville?" He said, "Yeah, let's go, we'll get a cab." I gave him a once over, decided that he was still adorable, and, call me crazy, but I flagged a cab.

We hopped in and he shouted, "45 Harris Street, wait, avenue, wait, street!" The cabbie didn't so much speaka the English, and had no idea what DD was talking about, so DD told him that he'd just direct him. We pulled onto Storrow, and confident that he'd be able to tell the cabbie where to go, I began texting Leah. Here's the convo that followed:

Me: Drunk.
Leah: Stop it, seriously? Before you even got there??

Me: Yup. Now we're going back to Somerville. My life is a joke.
Leah: You're going to Somerville? What the hell are you going to do there?

Me: Watch a movie and have sloppy make outs OBVI. 45 Harris St. in case I die.
Leah: Can I put that as my fb status?

Me: Now he's fighting with the cab driver haha. Omg incredible.
Leah: I'm going to bed girl, be careful, I don't want to be the one to have to tell your parents you died in Somerville!

And then DD decided to lie down with his head in my bag...until I remembered that he was supposed to be directing the cabbie, at which point I nudged him to pay attention to where we were. He sat up as we were passing a little league field and shouts, "DUDE, why are you taking us by FENWAY??" I told him that it was not in fact Fenway, and he goes, "YEAH, because there's the Citgo sign!" To which I replied, "No DD, that's just a regular gas station." Sick life.

We've spoken since this magical first date, and plan on hanging out again soon. More to come on that later though, because the events that have followed date number one definitely deserve their own posts.

Hope you guys all had a spectacular weekend!

XOXO - Christine

Why Every Girl Needs a Married Man Friend

So, I'm currently fb chatting with "Odd Job," who has been one of my friends since my freshman year of college. He was two years ahead of me in school and, as such, is a few years ahead of me in life as well. You see, Odd Job is not only in the process of house hunting, but he's also MARRIED. God I feel old.
Anyway, Odd Job has always been a valuable asset to my social circle as he is forever ready with sage advice and handy insights on the menfolk that the girls and I find ourselves involved with. He's like a little relationship buddha. Most recently, he has advised me on the Manbaby incident, but his body of work also includes some light counseling on the Mildly Gay Ex-Boyfriend Debacle of 2006, and extensive hand-holding during the Boring Boyfriend Fiasco of 2005.

The fact that he's been with his now-wife since high school gives him a unique perspective on the dating scene and allows him to keep me in check when I begin to blabber on about how XYZ boy has yet to call me back. He's like a walking, talking, autographed copy of "He's Just Not That Into You." I mean, I doubt he's ever read the book, nevermind quoted it, but he is definitely great at reminding me that I deserve better treatment than I require.

As I was just telling him, I think that upon graduation, every girl should receive a complimentary package that includes the SATC dvds, take-out menus, a married man friend, a gay bff, and the number for the most reputable local cab company. All of the above are beyond necessary on those days when you feel down, sad, lonely, or anything less than phenomenal.

In that spirit, here is the convo we just had regarding Match.com:

Me: OMG. A person with the username "Foochmeister" just winked at me on match.
Odd Job: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: SHOOT ME
Odd Job: I just want to join match.com to see all the hilariousness that it is.
Me: OMG, it's incredible. I had this one guy that winked at me like two weeks ago, so I looked at his profile while I was talking to one of my friends, and I'm like hmmm, he's cute I guess, but he kind of looks off, like a paraplegic. So, I said, "no thanks," to his wink and continued clicking through his photos. And then BAM, WHEELCHAIR. And not the kind they make you sit in at the hospital when they wheel you out. OH NO, this was the super intense kind that has a joystick and everything.
Odd Job: Wow, wow.
Me: I felt awful, slash I literally lol’d.
Odd Job: Hey, at least you wouldn't have to wheel him around, he could do it himself haha.
Me: Haha, true. But wait, it gets better, two days later, ANOTHER guy in a wheelchair winked at me! I mean, I know I'm kind of a couch potato, but I'm not immobile!
Odd Job: That's so weird.
Me: How do these people think that I'm that much of a good person that I would be down to sit around with them all the time?
Odd Job: Yeah, what’s up with that?
Me: Maybe I secretly look like a paraplegic in my photos??
Odd Job: Hahahaha, I don't think so.
Me: Thanks, that’s reassuring haha.

Totally love this kid. On that note, it's bedtime for this blogger! Way more to come tomorrow, especially if I get a little drunkski on my date...keep your fingers crossed for some blackout iMovie action haha.

XOXO - Christine

American Idol - Top Eight

So, it's Wednesday night and Jenn and I are OBVIOUSLY watching the American Idol results show. I have to admit, I was into it for the first seven minutes, during which we listened to Paula Abdul blathering on about who-knows-what while decked out in a bedazzled tank, followed by Simon spouting his normal level of douchebaggery. Hell, I was even into the weekly Ford "music video," even though it was awkward and had nothing to do with selling cars. However, I draw the line when the nine hopefuls BUTCHER one of the most beloved songs of all time.

I'm clearly talking about Journey's prodigious, "Don't Stop Believin." I mean, WHY WHY WHY would you EVER think that it is acceptable to do a singalong to this glorious piece of musical heaven!!??? I'm confused, because Paula and Simon are constantly telling contestants to steer clear of Michael "freakshow" Jackson's most well known songs, since they are "untouchable." Well, you know what American Idol? You know who else is untouchable? MOTHERFUCKING JOURNEY.Alright, it's over, thank god. I can stop clawing my eyes out and go back to awkwardly laughing every time The Seacrest leads the blind dude around the stage. Jenn just made an excellent point regarding Sir Sightless...do you think those Ford videos they do take forever because they have to position him every time he needs to move? I personally think that they just tell him to dance and then everyone else has to just suck it up and flail along with him.

All I know is that I need something big to balance out the suicidal tendencies I'm feeling right now due to the early departure of Norman Gentle and Oil Rig Bang Bus. "Something big" equals Hottie Chris, Finding Emo, The Widower, and Anoop sticking around for another week. I'd also like to see more of Sir Sightless and Lil Rounds, but obviously only for unintended comic relief.

Alright...the bottom three consists of Anoop, Big Red, and Rockin' Robin. All I have to say is that OBVIOUSLY Sir Sightless is safe. I mean when he sang, "Just The Way You Are," last week, it was like he was pleading with US, to love HIM, despite his "challenge." I really love how all of the judges skirt around his blindness and use politically correct euphamisms when discussing his performances. If I were a judge, I'd be the one standing up shouting, "EVERYONE, CHECK OUT THE BLIND GUY PLAYING PIANO AND TENETIVELY STROKING ANOOP'S SHOULDER AS HE LEAVES THE STAGE! HE'S THE GREATEST BLIND GUY EVER!!"
Oh no. Now Lady GaGa is onstage butchering her own song, "Poker Face," which I loved up until this very moment. I think I need to go take a valium before I try and dive into the tv to throttle the producers of this godforsaken show.

Night bitches.

XOXO - Christine

P.S. Rockin' Robin is GONZO. Totally deserved, especially since she forgot the words to her final song. Woohoo!