Alright babies, I'm sorry, but Catherine's on her way to my apartment and there's shopping to be doone and errands to run before tonight's fabulous soiree, so the Best/Worst Life Moments of 2009 post is going to have to wait until tomorrow, when I'm experiencing my first Great Crippling Hangover of 2010. In saying goodbye to 2009, I'd like to thank you all for being wonderful, wonderful readers and I can't wait to see what the new year brings us!
Boston baby, Boston!
XOXOXOXOXO - Christine
P.S. If you're anything like I am and you need a social spotter when you go out (at all times?) so you don't drunk dial your lady doctor, your best friend's parents, and the school of the child you mentor (true story...thanks first night of junior year), then may I recommend the Don't Dial app for iPhones? See the magic at work here:So far, I've locked 34 numbers out of my phone until 8 o'clock tomorrow morning...everyone from my tailor to my extended family to my man friends, so I am now officially ready to rage. See you next year bunnies!!!!
I was just watching the premiere for Real World DC and saw the latest trailer for MTV's newest hit show, "The Buried Life." Basic premise: 4 guys made a list of 100 things they wanted to do before they died. They bought a bus, traveled around the country (world?), made their wildest dreams come true, and filmed the whole thing. For each item they were able to cross off their collective list, they helped a complete stranger accomplish one of their own goals. Check out there website here, and some of their footage below.
Here's one of the older trailers:
And the newer one:
After watching something like that, you can't help but think about your own goals, and New Year's Eve being upon us....your resolutions. Of the 100 items on the guys' list, I've already managed to accomplish the following:
7. Plant a tree (gotta love middle school earth days...) 9. Destroy a computer (it's called college, and, well...my life in general.) 10. Learn to fly(I took flying lessons one summer when I was a camp counselor.) 11. Get a college degree (Graduated in '07 baby!) 13. Help someone build a house (I helped build two houses when I spent a summer as an assistant site supervisor for Habitat for Humanity in Portland, Maine.) 23. Learn how to play an instrument (I think with piano, viola, saxophone, and drums under my belt, I've got it covered.) 25. Drive across North America(We roadtripped to Derby last spring...does that count?) 27. Give a stranger a $100 bill (I gave $100 to my favorite sober, smiling, cvs-door-holdinghomeless man at the end of the summer I lived in Cambridge.) 29. Scream at the top of your lungs(who hasn't done this?) 49. Take a stranger out for dinner(I actually did this once when I made bff with a slightly crazy older woman at the MAC counter in the mall. We had a blast and met up a few more times after that for mentor-style lunches.) 51. Climb a large Mountain (Katahdin baby!) 58. See a dead body(Sadly true thanks to a handful of funerals.) 65. Learn how to sail (I used to sail at camp when I was younger and spent this past summer relearning how with Bobby as my coach.) 72. Throw a surprise party (My parent's surprise 25th wedding anniversary party was a huge hit!)
82. Win an award (This counts, right? Seriously? Why not?)
86. Teach an elementary school class (DONE. And this list didn't even specify that I had to teach them about sperm, trannies, and lady parts! Seriously though, that happened to me last spring. Sex ed in 5th grade is apparently no joke.)
88. Jump off a waterfall (Thanks Adventure Camp!) 90. Ride a rollercoaster(I still remember the first rollercoaster I ever rode...the Scooby Doo one at King's Dominion in Virginia when we moved to Savannah. Embarassing, but true. Cut me a little slack though, I was 9, people!) 92. Learn how to surf(I halfway accomplished this during one of my visits to my parents' condo in Florida. Too bad I got stuck in a rip tide and then crashed into a reef that we later found out was installed by the association next door to "maintain the shark environment." Good times.) 98. Race horses (I used to ride in Jimcanas at camp.)
Total: 20
Twenty out of one hundred? Without even trying? Not too shabby!
Here are some of the things I'd like to accomplish in the coming year(s):
In 2010... 1. Go paintballing (something I promised Ali for her bday last year and we still haven't gotten around to doing.) 2. Run a half marathon...full marathon if I'm feeling gutsy. 3. Relive my childhood summers by convincing all of my friends to go camping with me. 4. Head up to Maine and tackle the Class 5 rapids that almost killed me back in the day. 5. Become a poor man's Former Roommate Jenn, meaning that I not only want to teach myself to cook, but I'd also like to make it look half as effortless as she does. 6. Smoothly and successfully reonvate and decorate my new condo (more to come on that in 2010!!) 7. Get ballsier with my snowboarding and wakeboarding skills. Breaking my wrist while snowboarding left me a little gunshy, but I'm slowly getting my snow legs back. 8. Suck it up and hop the bus/train to visit my friends/family in NYC more than...never. The lofty goal: 4 times in 2010, versus 0 times in 2007, 2008, and 2009 combined. I'm looking at you, Lee. 9. Be outside all summer, hopefully while working at a non-profit day camp on one of the islands outside of the city. 10. Buy myself fresh peonies every week while they're in season (May and June). Few things make me happier than a vase full of these can. 11. Apologize to everyone I was bitchy to in 2009, namely the match.com date that looked like Tony Soprano's half-sibling who I disappeared on last spring, among others. It's never too late to say you're sorry, especially if you mean it. 12. Write more thoughtful birthday messages to all (okay, most) of my facebook friends. 13. Send Christmas cards for once. 14. Finally get my helmsman certification for sailing. 15. Go to more live shows, especially if Kings of Leon, Vampire Weekend, MGMT, La Roux, Drake, Jeremih, Lil Wayne, or Jay-Z come to town. 16. Be the best friend/daughter/cousin/niece/dog owner I can be.
Long term goals (to cross off in the next 5-10 years)... 1. Skydive 2. Swim with sharks (preferably in Australia...Bobby, you in?) 3. Sell the condo I just bought and buy/build a dreamhouse/penthouse. 4. Fall in love (cheesy, but we're talking long term...who doesn't want to fall in real, non-high-school-boyfriend-forever-and-always or maybe-gay-college-boyfriend-who-lives-down-the-hall-and-is-convenient, love? I promise to still be just as ridic after this happens, though I may have to retroactively delete some of my more risque posts...talk about a dilemma!) 5. Publish a book...or two...or, you know, three. 6. Be a contestant on a gameshow...or win a bananagrams tournament, whichever comes first. 7. Travel. Everywhere. 8. Make a tangible difference in the lives of my students. Help them get into Prep to Prep and ABC programs so they can go to prep/boarding schools for free. 9. Open a summer camp so city kids can experience the backwoods of Maine or New Hampshire. 10. Say yes to every spontaneous adventure proposed to me.
Lofty goals? Perhaps. Acheivable? Absolutely. Looks like I've got my work cut out for me come Friday...wish me luck! And get ready, the Best/Worst of 2009 post coming later today!
Christmas has come early this year, in the form of the following Jersey Shore video. Words cannot sufficiently express the joy these kids bring to my life.
And, my personal gift to you...here's some gossip (via Gawker) from a woman who bumped into the whole cast (minus J-WOWW) at Marquee in NYC last night. Enjoy!
"Like an early gift from Santa himself, last night I met the entire cast of Jersey Shore. Here's how it went down. I do not regularly go to clubs, but last night my friend wanted to go to Marquee and after several rounds of drinks, who was I to say no? We go and the first thing we notice is a black pompadour sticking up over one of the couches. And next to the pomp, was a definite situation. Seated was Paulie D, The Situation, Sammi Sweetheart, Ronnie and that other one. Here's the rundown on our friends from NJ.
Snooki: In person, she's shorter and tanner than you would even dream of. She was cautious and definitely not used to "fame" yet. Her tits were HUGE and she was NOT the center of attention. I asked her to do some back hand springs and she politely refused. I asked if she planned on pursuing cheerleading professionally and she said yes. The Situation: A total dickhead, in just the way I wanted him to be. He was too cool to speak to pretty much anyone other than the other cast members. HIS JACKET WAS VELVET! And he would not show us his abs.
Paulie D:Totally sweet. Talked to us for a while, I asked him about the scene where he turned away from that busted blonde girl and he laughed uncontrollably. I was very scared of his hair, but managed to cop a feel.
Ronnie and Sammi: Looked like they were still together, sat on the couch by themselves the entire night. In a nut shell, BORING! Oh, and Ronnie looks better on TV than in person.
The Other One:Don't know his name, but he was there.
One interesting note... Snooki and The Situation were together ALL NIGHT!! They were practically connected at the hip and I wouldn't be surprised if they are hooking up!"
And finally, in case you're not already doing so, I highly recommend that you follow our little tanned fameseekers on Twitter...like yesterday. JWOWW is @JENNIWOWW (see her website here), Snooki is @Sn00ki (where she talks about doing photo shoots with Teresa the table flipper from Real Housewives of NJ, aka my dream come true. Her website is here, and she costs $2,000 for personal appearances...which means that you can find my bday present donation fund here...kidding, sort of), Pauly D can be found at @MTVDJPaulyD, The Situation's Twitter name is, obviously, @ItsTheSituation, and as far as I can tell, Vinny, Ronnie, and Sammi don't have Twitter acounts, and Angelina might, but everyone hates her, so none of them are folliwing any @KKardashianofSeasideHeights's quite yet.
Love you all and I'll see you back here in a few days!!
The Hangover + Furry party + YouTube sensation "Charlie Bit Me!" + childhood favorites + fast cars = One ingenious video.
And yes, if you were looking closely you saw cameos by Julia Allison (in the yellow dress), Meghan Asha (in a red dress), and, drumroll please...Justin Bobby of Hills fame (with slicked back slimeball hair, naturally).
Heyyyy bunnies! I can't believe I haven't posted this video yet, because it's phenomenal, but dear god am I glad I waited, because I overheard the greatest (and very related) thing last night on my way to Leah's, (after witnessing an almost multi-generational brawl that ended in hugs)...
Leathered up guido to the valet in front of my building: "So, what's this I hear about some show, some show called Guido Shores or Jersey Guidos? Have you heard anything about this?"
Unfortunately, it was freezing and I couldn't stop to hear more, but this, in essence, is my neighborhood. If the North End were an iPhone app, it would most certainly be called "Jersey Shore Lite."
And with that, I present you with "Bobby Bottleservice," a mix of Jon Gosselin, a pudgy guido, and the "such as" North Carolina pageant queen, aka Nick Kroll disguised under a thick layer of shelacking:
As I said to my date from last week (who will heretofor be referred to by his Jersey Shore nickname, "The Operation"), I love life; it's so full of guidos and magic...
Hope you guys all had fun weekends and are getting amped up for all of your upcoming holiday parties!!
Probably one of my top ten internet finds ever. Enjoy:
Favorite line? Try this: "Remember when I showed my penis in Forgetting Sarah Marshall? Well there were no special effects, no no special effects, so if you liked what you saw, well that's exactly what I'm working with. 1-315-329-6673, call it if you need me, 1-315-329-6673, only call if you're disease free."
6,335 views of my profile later, and I am officially done with Match.com. Thirteen minutes from now, or by the time I finish this post, it will all be over...no more coming home drunk and scoping out prospects, no more politely telling middle-aged men and guidos, "no thanks," no more going on dates with borderline alcoholics, only to have them rip shots in my bathroom or call me while riding their bikes back to the south end....no friends, thirteen minutes from now, all of this magic will be behind me.
I have to say, breaking up the homance (Bobby's newly minted term for a lady-bromance) with Match was theoretically hard, but it's also a giant relief. I don't know how much longer I could keep up with the incessant winks and emails from boys who think that we'd be perfect together because I happen to be the proud owner of a hoo-ha and appreciate the oh-so-subtle humor of "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia." I mean, maybe I have aggressively high standards, but I don't think it's too much to ask for a tallish, well-educated, cool guy who has some direction and can make me laugh...I'm just saying.
Things I will be more than happy to leave behind? Going on a date, coming home, and then seeing said date online scoping out new prospects later that evening. Granted I'd be doing the same thing...but somehow it's different when their "Online now!" badge is flashing in your face. And this is why I present to you my very best advice for you to successfully navigate the world of online dating whilst maintaining your sanity and standards. Also, we will be recapping what I have learned over the past 9, count 'em, 9, months. Get your pens and pencils out ladies and gents, because here we go...
Words of Wisdom:
1. When emailing someone you may be interested in, remember to reference information from their profile. Not only will it make them feel as though you're being genuine, but it will also prevent you from the pain and humiliation of this exchange. Also, spelling and grammar count, especially if you're over the age of 18 and/or have managed to obtain your high school diploma or the equivalent.
2.DOpost presentable photos of yourself. If you would feel more comfortable maintaining your current look, perhaps you would feel more comfortable joining a dating/Lord of the Rings roleplaying community for fellow hippie elves.
3. If you're only looking for sexy times, please direct your attention to adult friend finder and leave me alone. It's fine if your idea of a dream date would be "dinner, movie, and a good time back at her place," but please, have some tact.
4. If you know that someone's not right for you, don't feel the need to get involved. Just press the "no thanks" button, and move on. There's no use wasting your time or theirs on something that's not going anywhere.
5. Wait an email or two before letting your freak flag fly, DON'T just put it all out there for your friends and coworkers to stumble across and then blog about, with accompanying illustrations.
6.Don't be sketch when you finally meet someone. It may go well at first, and they may think your drunkeness is endearing, but eventually they will find the bottle of orange vodka you hid in the bathroom and they will not be pleased.
7.DObe creative with date ideas! The best dates are fun, interesting, and flow organically. Dinner and a blockbuster can be a good time, but more often than not it should be Plan B, not A.
8. There's no blogpost to go with this, but after a date, wait 24 hours, or at least until morning, before logging in to your account. Otherwise, the other party is bound to think you're not interested or at least feel the sting of post-date rejection even more strongly. It's just a good policy to have because it works in reverse as well. Karma people, karma.
9. Speaking of karma, boys and girls, please quit it with the disappearing acts! I know I've done it to my fair share of online paramours, and that makes me hugely hypocritical, but I've since recognized the error of my ways and have realized that next time I'm tempted to do this, I just need to grow a pair and use my words. If you've given someone your number, or gone on a date with them, I think it's only right to let them know that it's not going to work out as soon as you can find a solid, sugar-coated reason, so they don't spend the rest of the week sitting around waiting for a phone call that will never come, because it's just depressing when I put it that way, isn't it?
10. It goes without saying, but please DON'T be any of these people.
And a bonus for good luck...
11. More than anything else, remember to get out there, have fun, and be safe!
And now, positive recap time. We all know what I have lost via Match.com (time, money, dignity), but what have I gained?
1. Laughter, and awkward stories, which are simply priceless.
2. A lasting and committed love for all things Kings of Leon (thanks to the boy who threw a temper tantrum) and The Script (thanks to last week's concert date) as well as a passing interest in Wilco (Drunk Date).
3. A keen eye for observation, thanks to the balding 23-year old I went out with. Baseball hats in every photo? Fool me once, shame on me...
4. A stronger sense of self and the things I want/need in life and in a guy.
5. And, in all honestly, the most important thing I've gained is a deeper appreciation of my friends, who have been there from every, "oooh look at this guy!" to each, "ugh, he was awful/drunk/balding!" Without you guys, and my faithful readers, I would've pulled an Alexa Ray Joel long ago (too soon?)...kidding, but seriously, I love you guys.
To the men of Match.com, thanks for the laughs; it's been quite the ride.
And now, I pass the online dating torch to my dear friend Lee (the same one who sent me the Jersey Shore Nickname generator earlier today), and I wish her the best of luck in her search for a decent man to call her own.
Ohhhh friends. I'm taking a nice little break from my finals tonight to share with you the joy and wonder that is MTV's newest show, "Jersey Shore." Now, being my readers, I would assume that the vast majority of you have already seen this magical piece of modern cinematography, but just in case you missed it, here's the trailer:
Phe-nomenal.
The first episode was pretty much incredible, with eight leather-skinned guidos and "guidettes" descending on a trashy Real World style house on The Shore, complete with astro-turfed rooftop and mind boggling duck telephone. Since I don't have nearly enough time to recap its magnificence for all of you, may I recommend a review by Meg over at 2birds1blog? Also, you can meet the cast here, and find out what your Jersey Shore nickname is in time to try out for season two (thanks to Lee for the link). Mine is "The Good Time," and to that, I say...of course it is.
In honor of tonight's most excellent episode of Gossip Girl, I present to you, the best of Chuck Bass, which has somehow been condensed into a 3:12 video of his most memorable quotes...impossible, but true. Enjoy:
Also, while I was on the hunt for the above video, I also found the following...
Hey there bunnyfriends, hope you all had fab weekends! Despite almost crashing into the back of an 18-wheeler last night (thanks impromptu snowstorm!) I managed to have an excellent time...mostly because of the nice lil date I went on this past Friday night. While I initially told myself that I wouldn't write about it (to prevent jinxing, obviously), it was just too fun to not share some details with you, so here goes...
I met my date at the Lower Depths in Kenmore, which is a fun little place where dollar hotdogs, tater tot platters, and a fine selection of brews all co-mingle on the menu in complete harmony. I highly recommend the turkey sandwich, as it was unreal with whatever cranberry aioli situation they smeared on it. The tots were also delish, but I was told that the chicken sangwich was the opposite of tender...so perhaps avoid that one if you make the trek out there. My only other complaint is that the restaurant went from being pretty empty and quiet when we walked in at eight to being almost unbearably loud by the time we left at ten, though that could have been due to the Loud Talker sitting at the next table over. All in all, it was a good experience, and I would def go again.
Next, we meandered (okay, powerwalked-it was cold!) our way over to the House of Blues to see The Script. Though I didn't know much about the band before, and only had one of their songs, I now love them. Bandwagon fan, I know, but love is love...what can you do? In case you haven't heard The Script, they're basically Ireland's version of The Fray and they sing some phenomenal songs with lyrics generally revolving around heartbreak and devestation...awesome. Unfortunately, we spent so much time at dinner that we missed a good portion of the show, but we still managed to see them perform the end of "The Man Who Can't Be Moved," as well as "Rusty Halo," "I'm Yours," my fave, "Breakeven," and one other that I can't remember.
Here's a video of the final song of the night. In case you can't see, the lead singer is wrapped in an Irish flag with "Boston" written across it and the crowd went bananas when he threw it into the audience at the end of the show. Enjoy:
More to come later this week, including a wonderful little post involving the findings of The Great Attic Exploration of 2009. Get excited!
XOXO - Christine
P.S. Here's one of my fave Script songs that I don't think we heard at the concert. It's called, "Before the Worst," and it's awesome:
Sorry for the lack of posting lately, but I'm in the middle of finals and things are a bit hectic at the moment. Good news: I dug through my attic when I was home for Thanksgiving last week and found many, many awkward photos, love letters, and original poems from my childhood! Get excited, because I'll be scanning and posting them sometime this week!
Ohhhh friends. Oh wow. So, this fine evening, a group of my lovely friends and I moseyed (okay, powerwalked) our way down to the Loews Boston Common to check out some vampire (slash werewolf) on human action, in the form of the latest flick in the Twilight series, also known as, "New Moon." Before I go any further, let me just preface this entire post by saying that I've never read any of the books, nor do I fully understand half of what I just witnessed, but you should know that I will probably slip some important details. So, strap yourselves in, because there are likely spoilers ahead.
Now, onto the movie...
For those of you who aren't "Twihards" like my dear friend Leah, I will give you a little background. Basically, this really awkward plain jane type named Bella moves to some ass backwards town called "The Forks," which is meant to seem all earthy and wet and therefore mystical, much like every horror movie set ever erected. Bella's all angsty and like, "Daaaad, I don't wanna make friiiends! Grosss!" Finally, she throws on a ratty sweatshirt and drives herself to school in a bright orange clunker of a truck and meets Edward Cullen, who's creepy eyes twinkle when she's around. They go through a lot of brooding teenage bullshit and eventually he admits that he's a glistening little vampire and they live happily ever after, until some other twinkly vampires come to, you know, suck her blood. Obviously, love prevails, Edward takes them all out, and all is well with the world...at least until the sequel.
Enter, "New Moon." In this installment, Edward tells Bella that she sucks and he's peacing out (to protect her, but she doesn't have those fun vampire mind reading powers). After literally months of atrophying in a chair by the window, she finally makes slight amounts of effort to return to her life, at which point she takes notice of Werewolf Jake, aka HottieHotHottie. Stop judging, the age of consent is totally 17 in most places...right? Whatever. The rest of the movie is a blur, because I pretty much spent the next two hours drooling over Jake's Abs (yes they deserve to be capitalized) and shouting, "what the shiiiiit!?" I believe that my fellow movie goers were thrilled by this, as it broke up the monotony of the crying baby in the back. Luckily, the joke's really on that's kids parents, because it's totes going to grow up all emo and shit, like my future son, "Keith."
But, I digress. Back to Jake's Abs. I mean, JUST LOOK AT THESE THINGS! I'm normally not into super jacked guys, but one look at these babies rippling in the morning overcast of The Forks, and I was hooked. When I say "hooked," I mean that he's so hot that I am actually able to look past that heinous wig he wears in the first few scenes, AND the non-ironic jorts he sports for the entirety of the movie. That, people, is LOVE. Or lust. But whatever. Not only is he suddenly supahfine, but he's also totes into Bella (vom). But nooooo, Bella's gotta stick poor Jake and His Abs in the corner slash friendzone and fly off to Italy to save this pasty motherfucker from Dakota Fanning:
I mean, Bella's weird and shit, but who, (WHO!) would ever choose this dude over...well, pretty much anyone else? He's ghostly white, built like a 12-year old, and I'm not sure if you can tell in this photo, but the silver screen made those nipple hairs look at least two feet long. NOT OKAY. I know, I know, he's a vampire, he's supposed to be pale...but if you're trying to tell me that these nocturnal Cullen vampire people have never seen an infomercial for a certain Bowflex Total Body System or, at the very least, the Smooth Away hair removal brush thing...well, I'm just not buying it, unless another one of their "magical powers" is to resist the wily charms of Chuck Norris and John Basedow...
So, in conclusion, move over Rewell...it'll be TEAM JAKE for me from here on out.
Enjoy the holiday lovers and I'll be back next week when I'm chock full of turkey and STORIES! And once I've purchased the above waterbottle via the wonders of the internets...
So, for those of you not following my obnoxious photo tweets about Bradydog, etc. on Twitter...the little guy was here last week and brought much joy and laughter into the lives of all who had the pleasure of running into him on the mean streets of Boston. There were playdates with Zeke and Olivia, trips to school, whole afternoons spent in the park...really, it was the highlight of this entire city's November. Sadly, I had to return him to my parents after a few days and it was truly a devastating loss...not just for me, but for Massachusetts as a whole.
While desperately searching for a way to remedy the situation, New Roomie Kate came up with an ingenius idea. Ready for it?
Befriend/hire a midget, excuse me, "little person," clothe him in a lion costume, and return home every night to his wagging little tail and smiling face! Incredible, right? We have determined that peeing when meeting new people is optional. Authenticity is nice, but no one reeeally enjoys cleaning up urine...trust me, I would know. In addition to being a lovable ball of joy and wonder at all times, we would expect said Little Lion to morph into a cleaning and organizing machine whenever we leave the apartment...you know, the way that stuffed animals totally come to life as soon as you leave the room.
For their services, we would house them in a lovely plastic crate, with the option to upgrade to the foot of my bed after a 3-month trial period. The starting pay is 3 milkbones and two meals per day, with a negotiable bonus of one chew toy and/or soup bone for each time they are required to come to the bar and wrangle our drunk selves. Two chew toys if they have to chaperone us while we sleep so we don't throw up on our laptops...just saying, it's a possibility.
So, if you know any little people and/or small children looking for a yob in these uncertain times, or simply looking to scratch and lick their way to being this happy,
Sweatshirt not included with offer.
then please direct them to this blog, and remind them that like ibankers circa 2004, they should look beyond the initial salary, as they'll be earning at least half of their income in (drunk patrol) bonuses.
Hello loves! Hope you all had fab Veteran's days and welcome back to the workweek for those of you who had yesterday off. To get your Thursday started right, I've compiled the funniest videos from FunnyorDie.com for your viewing pleasure. Enjoy!
Christopher Walken doing a dramatic reading of Poker Face:
So, a few weeks ago, Ali, Natas, and Margaret decided to host a bunch of us girls for a fabulous ladies night full of delicious treats and even juicier stories.
Like this tasty cake made by Natas herself!
Lest you all assume that a night such as this would be limited to us bitching about men (boys) and bowing to the gods Ben and Jerry, I would like to provide you with some insight into our five hours of festive fun and games...
You guys remember MASH, right? Where the person in question fills in two answers for each category, then the other person completes the form with all things awk.com, and hilarity ensues? Well, we played it, round robin style. Ali was feeling a bit sickly, so I took it upon myself to fill one out for her, since my life is already more of an unbelievable joke than MASH could ever hope to predict. Her results: I even wrote a full description, essay style: In case you can't make it all out, I've transcribed the basic gist of it below; the yellow bits are the parts that were filled in:
Ali, a trophy wife, met her husband, Homeless Meredith (a cabbie) at The Bunny Ranch in Nevada. They have 2 children, their eldest of whom, Eziekiel, was conceived miraculously during anal in the back set of their Audi A5. The happy couple resides in an apartment under the sea, and though their life resembles Seinfeld, Meredith has cheated on Ali in the past with a sex therapist. Their wedding was beautiful; Ali wore white, and they honeymooned in Roxbury. They own a rabid squirrel (ostensibly befriended by Meredith during her days roaming the back alleys of the North End), and Ali somehow makes bank. The End.
What a lovely life story! Congrats to Ali on her bright future!
Following MASH, Anchorman, and cake, we were treated to a rousing one woman show, courtesy of (not former roommate) Jen. Not only did she sing such smash hits as "The Thong Song" and "Baby Got Back," but she also acted out nearly every skit ever shown on SNL in under five minutes flat, with occassional back up vocals/charades assisstance from Natas. Have a listen for yourselves (no picture, just beautiful, melodious sounds)...
Oh friends, it's that time of year again...that time of year when girls get their whore on and boys live out their latent fantasies for one sacred evening. In the spirit of this tradition, here are some photos from last year's Trick or Drink:
Our apartment last year. We were stop #4 and served "Blackout Punch," which glowed under the blacklight, thanks to an infusion of tonic water!
Chuck Bass, obviously.
Kissing Booth, The Hamburglar, and Free Mustache Rides!
Teague as McLovin!
Boobs, enough said.
The girls and I were a bachelorette party (my theoretically phenomenal idea). Anna was our beautiful bride-to-be, and apparently our costumes were soooo good that everyone thought we were a legit bachelorette party...come one people, it's Halloween, use your brains!
Jenn's boyfriend, the coordinator of Trick or Drink, was a rock, and his roommates were paper and scissors. Such a great DIY idea!
Anna, making moves on the self-proclaimed "gay pirate." By the end of the night, I'm pretty sure I was able to convince him that his leopard stretch pants and plastic bone made him more suited to be a gay caveman. Also, not the handy nipple holes in that very fashionable silk shirt. Very chic.
Nothing says party like a sheep holding you up to do a kegstand...Dorsh, Karen, and Praski as an 80's skier, a Giants' player, and an Oompa Loompa.
Leah, using her friend Pablo as a drinking apparatus.
Leah, the day laborer.
Praski managed to gank Leah's lover, Pablo, and eat many tostitos out of his back opening. That sounds wrong on so many levels, and trust me, it totally was haha.
Karen and Ali the Giants' players and Charlie as Winnie the Pooh.
Ali making some moves on Greenman.
Dear Ali, this photo makes me glad I dipped my pen in your ink, bro.
Greenman was irresistable!
Ahahahahaha. I love my friends.
Shockingly enough, these are dance moves.
The death of Pedro/fighting over the gay pirate's bone.
Fighting an actual pirate for the gay pirate's bone.
Aggression duly noted.
Pretty much under the house to get that bone. This is why "naughty" Halloween costumes are overrated.
Alright lovers, that's about all I have for the moment...more to come this week, especially since MY 24TH BIRTHDAY is on Wednesday!!!
Before watching the following videos, make sure someone passes you a blunt, a bong, a bowl, or a weed inhaling contraption of any kind really, because I just discovered the best shit EVER. Shy of "Endless Summer" or any other extreme sports movie montage, this will now be your go-to getting high video selection. Ready? Here we go...
Law and Order: Special Letters Unit
I'm already picturing myself getting high and shouting, "THERE, RIGHT BEHIND YOU! NO, NO, HE'S WEARING A MOUSTACHE! OH, THANK GOD..." I will be that black person in the movie theater yelling, "DON'T YOU GO UP THOSE STAIRS!" at the girl in the horror movie, except that I will be white, and curled up on the edge of my couch in my empty apartment, shrieking at fuzzy, life-sized letters.
RSI: Rhyme Scene Investigation
Next time your "CSI: Miami" drinking game feels stale, turn to "Rhyme Scene Investigation" for an infusion of fun and laughter.
LL Cool J goes on an "Addition Expedition"
Apparently, rapping and performing basic addition are not mutually exclusive skills after all!
Oh friends, I'm sorry I haven't posted in a "hot minute," as the semi-pro paintball player I used to bang would say, but my life has been a bit of a mess lately. Luckily, I have friends who understand and know all the right questions to ask...exhibit A:
Me: Ugh, my life is in shambles. Lee: Alcohol shambles, or real shambles? Me:Hmmm, I'm going with alcohol shambles...
On that note, please enjoy this video of a man whose life is in more shambles than mine...at least I hope so haha:
Oh bunnies....it's about time I tell you all about the Great iPhone Ganking of 2009.
Ready? Here goes:
The weekend before last, I went to my friend Jill's birthday party and got retardedly drunk during the pregaming portion of the evening. By the time we got to the bar (Grand Canal), I was entering tunnel vision mode, which is usually a precursor to Blackout Boulevard. In order for this story to make the most sense, I should probs explain the layout of the place before going any further...
So, you walk in the front door of the Grand Canal, and you are suddenly in the midst of a throng of people. Directly in front of you, there is a bar that runs the length of the wall, and to your left there is a small stage with a band playing obscenely loud Bruce Springsteen and other shit I don't like. To your right, there are the kind of stairs that they have in split-level houses. Eight steps go up to a loft where they host private parties, and eight other steps take you down into a cozy little mini bar area with a few high top tables and a big, built, and beefy half-black bartender named Rewell.
Now, being drunk me, I of course sidled up to the empty bar downstairs, ordered myself two Coronas, and used my wily ways to convince my dearest Rewell to put the limes in the bottles for me (because my little thumbs are just sooo small and the lime always squirts in my face! God I love far-too-obvious innuendo). After tipping him generously (with money, not smiles*), I roamed around and hung out with my friends for a bit. Eventually, I drained both bottles and returned to Bar Rewell just in time to collect on the drink that one of my guy friends owed me. Sadly, my lover didn't know said drink was for me, and hadn't used his big, manly hands to force the lime into the bottle...for SHAME.
Upon seeing this, I strutted my shit back up to the bar in an attempt to flirt a little more with my future boo. Unfortunately, the guy at the table next to where I was standing didn't recognize the love vibes in the air, and turning to me, asked, "UH, are you just trying to talk to me?" The answer was obvs no, but he and his friends were sufficiently attractive, so I wound up befriending them and introducing them to my group of girls. Pretty sure I facilitated some sloppy makeouts that night, so high five to me.
Anyway, at some point during this fab meet and greet, the following convo ensued:
Me: Hey, it's my friend's birthday tonight (pointing to Jill), do you think we can get behind the bar for a photo or two? Jill:Yeah, fun! Rewell: Sure you can, come on back. Diana (who was sloppy.com): I WILL PAY YOU TWWEENNTTYY DOLLARS FOR A PHO-TO BEHIND THIS BAR! Me: Yeah, Di, you should get in it too so we can use it for our bday picture! Diana: OF COURSE I'M GETTING IN THE PHOTO, I JUST PAID TWEENNNNTY DOLLARS FOR IT!! Me: Haha, okay, whatever.
A photo shoot followed, and I'm pretty sure (I hope?) that Rewell refused the $20. My man cannot be bought!!
As the night went on, things just got sloppier. At one point, this kind of cute, and yet slightly trashy, guy and his awkward friend started talking to me by the bar (right in front of my lovah!), but I let it happen. A few minutes into our compelling chat, Diana stormed up to me and yelled, "THE BARTENDER WON'T GIVE ME FREE DRINKS!!! WHY NOT!??"
I told her to chill and that I'd see what was going on with mah boo. Actual convo:
Me: So, my friend is demanding free drinks. Can you just give her a Vodka Tonic, make it look free, and I'll pay you in like ten minutes? Rewell: Haha, bitches (as in females) always want free drinks! Here you go.
Crisis averted, I gave Di her drink, talked to the Trashy Twins for a bit longer, and slowly made my way back across the bar to give Rewell some cash moneys. I must have blacked out for a minute or two, because the next thing I knew, I was standing there with my bag and another Corona in front of me, a pile of dolla dolla bills in my hand, and no wallet to be seen. Immediately, I turned to the Trashtacular Twosome and said, "Look guys, if you have my wallet, just give it to me, I won't care!" Of course, the negatively attractive one spotted it on the floor behind me, and I had to spend the next fifteen minutes apologizing my ass off for accusing them of ganking my shit...but only after I gave Rewell a napkin with my number and a crude drawing of my wallet on it, complete with instructions to call me if he found it, or you know, "just to chat." God I'm awkward. On the good news front? My drink and Di's Vodka Tonic were both on the house! Flirting WIN!
Anyway, I continued to talk to the trashmonsters, because I felt AWFUL, but then the cuter one started to make moves...the kind of moves I would have been into had he been 6'2" and blonde, but not so much in his case. So, I did what any normal girl would do...I made up an overly elaborate backstory about how I would TOTALLY be interested in him, except that I had recently begun dating the bartender and didn't want to hit on other boys right in front of him. I then telepathically (and later, verbally) informed my future baby daddy of said plan, and we had several fleeting moments of eye contact and even a mini heart-to-heart by the dishwasher while I was pretending to whisper sweet nothings in his ear. Suffice it to say, the plan was a hit...until the bar was about to close and I realized that within the ten minutes prior, SOMEONE STOLE MY MOTHERFUCKING IPHONE.
I ran around the bar searching for it and bawling my little eyes out, probably looking like an insane person and completely repulsing my, by then, long lost lover. While desperately calling my phone from Erin's, I ran into the Trashy Twins again upstairs. I told them what had happened, and the cute one looked me dead in the eyes and said, "Well, at least you know that we don't have it, haha."
EXCEPT THAT THEY TOTALLY MUST. Literally no one else was near me during the ten minute window in which it was tanged. I'm approximately 96% positive that they saw their opportunity to enact revenge on my reject-y ways and took it. Those little BITCHES!
Epilogue: Rewell and I failed to consummate our love, I wasted my big bday present on a new iPhone, and my parents yelled at my for several hours about the meaning of the word, "responsibility." F. My. Life.
Blerg.
Alright, that's it for the moment my friendlies! Good luck out there, and mind your phones!! And, if you are a sloppy drunk or an iPhone owner (like this girl), buy MobileMe ASAP, turn on the "Find My iPhone" feature, and set up a passcode lock so no one can turn this feature off. This is literally the only chance you have of getting your phone back if something like this happens to you. Also, it's kind of awesome because you can track your iPhone's whereabouts on me.com. So, maybe don't use a password that your stalker could easily decode...but otherwise, enjoy!
XOXO - Christine
*This joke will only be understood by people who have seen "Couples Retreat," which btdubs, was hilarious.
Boston baby, Boston!
So far, I've locked 34 numbers out of my phone until 8 o'clock tomorrow morning...everyone from my tailor to my extended family to my man friends, so I am now officially ready to rage. See you next year bunnies!!!!
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