Alright, so update number one is that, come September, Jenn will be moving out, and a new girl, Kate, will be moving in. I know you guys have enjoyed the few videos that Jenn and I have made thus far, so I will try and get her shitty and on iMovie at least a couple of times before she leaves.
This brings me to today's post! This past Tuesday night, my friend BB went boozing with some of his friends, and the following is our mildly entertaining text convo:
BB: We are watching tlc midgets.
Me: Drink every time they say dwarf, little people, or when they use a stool or grabber to reach something. TLC drinking games are the best slash most disturbing. P.S. Driving counts as reaching b/c they have special pedals. So does shopping in the kid's department.
BB: I would die.
Me: Hahaha. We like drinking and eating chocolate while watching World's Fattest Man at the lake.
BB: Imagine having 18 kids.
Me: Like the Duggar family? I would rather sew my hoo-ha shut.
BB: Yea I just saw a commercial for them, they make me wanna cut my nuts off.
Me: Hahahaha. Yeah, Jim Bob must have beastly sperm.
After this text convo, BB and I had a lovely chat about the state of my karma and how if I were to have children, they would wind up being be-mulleted, unibrowed, gingers, one of whom would be half-mermaid, half-treegirl, and the other of whom would be an obese midget. My eldest would be spared these traits, but he would inevitably be painfully emo, which is just as bad. Behold, my future children:
My youngest, half-mermaid, half-treegirl. She wants to be a princess when she grows up and god damn does she like biscuits!
My middle child, an obese midget, has remnants of his conjoined twin lodged in a neck tumor and is looking forward to his first LP conference. There, he will meet his future wife, who better be fucking sterile because if this kid reproduces, the world as we know it is over. Oh yeah, and there's my eldest, Finding Emo. His "government" is Mark, as in Marky Mark, but he goes by Keith, the worst name in the English language, because he's all angsty and wants to spite me.Anyway, in the spirit of this conversation, I have decided to follow in the footsteps of my favorite blog (2birds1blog) and post a Drinking Game Friday drinking game. The topic? TLC Specials (and regular programming) obviously!! Thanks to BB for collaborating with me to form this epic list, and to Leah, who loves watching World's Fattest Man even more than I do. Enjoy!
For Midget Programming:
1. Drink whenever little people or dwarfism are referenced.
2. Drink whenever they go to a little people conference.
3. Drink whenever a little people dating website is mentioned.
4. Drink whenever they have to climb something.
5. Drink whenever they use a modified car, a stool, or a grabber.
6. Drink whenever you spot modified furniture.
7. Drink whenever they admit to using this product.
8. Pound a beer anytime you see a midget on a pony, in a cannon, or dressed in costume (like an oompa loompa or baby)
9. Drink anytime their regular sized children pick them up. (Pound one if they are then placed in a cabinet or closet)
10. Drink whenever they use the phrase "average height" to describe their normal children.
11. Drink if a little person is pregnant. Pound a beer if they discus their hopes and dreams for the baby's height.
For Shows About Fat People:
1. Pound a beer whenever they fail at fitting in/on/through something.
2. Take a shot if they have to tear down a wall to remove them from their homes.
3. Chug your drink whenever firefighters/policemen/nurses do a countdown to heave them somewhere (like from one bed to another).
4. Drink if they find something in their rolls. Pound a beer if they eat it.
5. Drink whenever they have take-out delivered to their obesity clinic.
6. Drink for every plate of food they consume in one sitting. Alternately, do a 10 second chug for every 1,000 consumed daily (pre-diet).
7. Drink if they can only fit in sheets and specially made mumus. Pound a beer if they're floral print.
8. Drink whenever a traumatic childhood is referenced.
9. Drink if they say that they've “been chubby/fat for as long as they can remember.”
10. Pound a beer if they’ve successfully lost at least 50 pounds by the end of the show. Take down another half beer if gastric bypass surgery was involved.
11. Drink if a flatbed truck is used to move them.
12. Drink if you are watching World’s Fattest Man (Manuel Uribe) get married, and you'd like to drown your sorrows, because you suddenly begin to feel terrible about the state of your own love life.
13. Drink whenever they secretly binge eat.
And for my favorite brand of TLC Specials...
The Freakshow Episodes (and other random programming):
1. Pound a beer if the show involves flippers, trees as limbs, or shrinking skin.
2. Drink whenever Mermaid Girl demands biscuits.
3. Drink whenever Half Man/Half Tree mentions his children and you cross your fingers that his shit is not hereditary.
4. Drink whenever somebody says, “I didn’t know I was pregnant!”
5. Drink when that person gives birth in a public bathroom.
6. Drink whenever fat women with mullets chalk their labor pains up to “gas.”
7. Drink whenever they didn’t know they were pregnant with twins.
8. Drink whenever someone who should not be procreating has a child.
9. Drink whenever there is a toddler in a tiara and/or full pageant make-up.
10. Drink whenever a human being’s remnants are found inside the protagonist. This includes stillborn children and undeveloped twins.
11. Drink whenever you see conjoined twins. Take a shot if they are shown engaging in intimate acts, while attached. Finish the rest of your alcohol supply if they have a significant other, and you do not. If you're out of booze, then seriously consider slitting your wrists.
12. Drink whenever someone names all 18 of their children in order.
13. Drink whenever someone calls a child a “miracle” or “blessing.” Pound a beer if it makes you throw up a little in your mouth.
14. Drink whenever Kate gives Jon a dirty look.
15. Drink for 30 seconds during Kate's rants and Jon's rationalizations that, "it's for the kids."
16. Drink whenever you seriously contemplate stealing Aaden, the adorable bespectacled child.
17. Drink whenever someone is given a diagnosis to their mysterious ailment. Pound a beer if they were diagnosed, given some meds, and miraculously returned from the brink of death with no side effects.
18. Drink whenever someone lists “genital sores” as a symptom.
19. Pound a beer whenever someone’s “Untold Stories of the ER” are told.
20. Pound a beer whenever a girl picks her wedding dress on Say Yes To The Dress. Keep drinking if tears, mother-in-laws, and/or gay BFF's are involved in the selection process.
21. Drink whenever someone waddles. This is applicable to the shows about obese people and midgets as well, obviously.
22. Pound a beer whenever someone successfully “Rocks Their Reception.” Pound another one if the song is uncomfortable, awkward, and/or otherwise inappropriate. Ginuwine's "Pony" is a good example.
23. Pound a pitcher of margarita’s whenever there is a home birth. Hope to god that you’ve drunk enough to block it out.
24. Drink whenever someone accidentally gives birth outside of a hospital. Pound a beer if it’s in a car.
25. Pound a beer whenever someone throws a bitch fit because they’re not sticking to their “birthing plan.”
Alright friendlies, I think that's about all I have for now since I have to rest up for my cousin's wedding tomorrow night! Have fun this weekend!
XOXO - Christine
For Midget Programming:
1. Drink whenever little people or dwarfism are referenced.
2. Drink whenever they go to a little people conference.
3. Drink whenever a little people dating website is mentioned.
4. Drink whenever they have to climb something.
5. Drink whenever they use a modified car, a stool, or a grabber.
6. Drink whenever you spot modified furniture.
7. Drink whenever they admit to using this product.
8. Pound a beer anytime you see a midget on a pony, in a cannon, or dressed in costume (like an oompa loompa or baby)
9. Drink anytime their regular sized children pick them up. (Pound one if they are then placed in a cabinet or closet)
10. Drink whenever they use the phrase "average height" to describe their normal children.
11. Drink if a little person is pregnant. Pound a beer if they discus their hopes and dreams for the baby's height.
For Shows About Fat People:
1. Pound a beer whenever they fail at fitting in/on/through something.
2. Take a shot if they have to tear down a wall to remove them from their homes.
3. Chug your drink whenever firefighters/policemen/nurses do a countdown to heave them somewhere (like from one bed to another).
4. Drink if they find something in their rolls. Pound a beer if they eat it.
5. Drink whenever they have take-out delivered to their obesity clinic.
6. Drink for every plate of food they consume in one sitting. Alternately, do a 10 second chug for every 1,000 consumed daily (pre-diet).
7. Drink if they can only fit in sheets and specially made mumus. Pound a beer if they're floral print.
8. Drink whenever a traumatic childhood is referenced.
9. Drink if they say that they've “been chubby/fat for as long as they can remember.”
10. Pound a beer if they’ve successfully lost at least 50 pounds by the end of the show. Take down another half beer if gastric bypass surgery was involved.
11. Drink if a flatbed truck is used to move them.
12. Drink if you are watching World’s Fattest Man (Manuel Uribe) get married, and you'd like to drown your sorrows, because you suddenly begin to feel terrible about the state of your own love life.
13. Drink whenever they secretly binge eat.
And for my favorite brand of TLC Specials...
The Freakshow Episodes (and other random programming):
1. Pound a beer if the show involves flippers, trees as limbs, or shrinking skin.
2. Drink whenever Mermaid Girl demands biscuits.
3. Drink whenever Half Man/Half Tree mentions his children and you cross your fingers that his shit is not hereditary.
4. Drink whenever somebody says, “I didn’t know I was pregnant!”
5. Drink when that person gives birth in a public bathroom.
6. Drink whenever fat women with mullets chalk their labor pains up to “gas.”
7. Drink whenever they didn’t know they were pregnant with twins.
8. Drink whenever someone who should not be procreating has a child.
9. Drink whenever there is a toddler in a tiara and/or full pageant make-up.
10. Drink whenever a human being’s remnants are found inside the protagonist. This includes stillborn children and undeveloped twins.
11. Drink whenever you see conjoined twins. Take a shot if they are shown engaging in intimate acts, while attached. Finish the rest of your alcohol supply if they have a significant other, and you do not. If you're out of booze, then seriously consider slitting your wrists.
12. Drink whenever someone names all 18 of their children in order.
13. Drink whenever someone calls a child a “miracle” or “blessing.” Pound a beer if it makes you throw up a little in your mouth.
14. Drink whenever Kate gives Jon a dirty look.
15. Drink for 30 seconds during Kate's rants and Jon's rationalizations that, "it's for the kids."
16. Drink whenever you seriously contemplate stealing Aaden, the adorable bespectacled child.
17. Drink whenever someone is given a diagnosis to their mysterious ailment. Pound a beer if they were diagnosed, given some meds, and miraculously returned from the brink of death with no side effects.
18. Drink whenever someone lists “genital sores” as a symptom.
19. Pound a beer whenever someone’s “Untold Stories of the ER” are told.
20. Pound a beer whenever a girl picks her wedding dress on Say Yes To The Dress. Keep drinking if tears, mother-in-laws, and/or gay BFF's are involved in the selection process.
21. Drink whenever someone waddles. This is applicable to the shows about obese people and midgets as well, obviously.
22. Pound a beer whenever someone successfully “Rocks Their Reception.” Pound another one if the song is uncomfortable, awkward, and/or otherwise inappropriate. Ginuwine's "Pony" is a good example.
23. Pound a pitcher of margarita’s whenever there is a home birth. Hope to god that you’ve drunk enough to block it out.
24. Drink whenever someone accidentally gives birth outside of a hospital. Pound a beer if it’s in a car.
25. Pound a beer whenever someone throws a bitch fit because they’re not sticking to their “birthing plan.”
Alright friendlies, I think that's about all I have for now since I have to rest up for my cousin's wedding tomorrow night! Have fun this weekend!
XOXO - Christine
Posts
Christine, it is unfair to say that I enjoy watching the fat man more than you. everyone knows my favorite TLC special is about primordial dwarfism/the story of Little K.
ReplyDeleteTree Man gives me nightmares. Honest to god nightmares. My sister is OBSESSED with him and dangles her arms like him and drapes herself all over me yelling, "I'M TREE MAN! TREEEEEEE MAN!!!" She is 30 years-old.
ReplyDeleteLove the drinking game, love the blog, love love love!
xo, Meg
Christine, where in the world did you find those drawings? they are fab-u-lous. please tell me you made them yourself
ReplyDeleteUmmm, did you not see them sitting on the kitchen table this morning Jenn? I did indeed draw them myself. Quite impressive, I know.
ReplyDeleteAlso, Meg, your sister sounds terrifying. Please tell me she'll be incorporated into your drunken monument tour--as an attraction.
Leah, I am truly sorry. I cannot believe I forgot to mention the illustrious Kennedy, with her truly melodious voice. I don't know what I was thinking.
OMG Christine, this is fabulous. At your next party you need to have TLC playing in the background the entire time. Also, you should add a few rules in for "what not to wear"; like every time someone goes into the 360 mirror and says, "i think i look really good in this outfit", or everytime you question Clinton's sexuality.
ReplyDeleteOoooh, yeah! And another rule for every time Clinton and Stacy pull a Vanna White when making a point about the groin area or "the girls."
ReplyDelete