The 5 Men You Meet In Boston

Happy Monday friendlies! After Saturday night's run-in with the every Ed Hardy wearing D-bag in Boston, I've decided to write an anthropological post regarding the different kinds of men that you most often encounter in this extra-special city. Enjoy!

1. The Ed Hardy/Affliction Wearing D-Bag:
These creatures can most often be found unce-uncing it out around Boston with Eastern European girls/Guidettes at clubs such as Rumor and Venue. There is little variation in their physical traits, as they are all notoriously characterized by fake tans, spiked hair, and a pronounced lack of sideburns. They are never far from their Muscle Milk, and firmly believe that their bulging biceps negate the gayness of their bedazzled Ed Hardy t-shirts and tight jeans. Sadly, the rest of the world fails to follow this logic, and these men are left to hook up with slutty bitches who have tanned themselves into a new racial category. Avoid these men at all cost, unless you want to spend the morning after between these sheets:
Side note: TG, aka the Bed Wetter, wears Ed Hardy religiously. Though his wardrobe is excused by the fact that he's a great guy and not actually a d-bag, I probably should have seen that one coming. Also, once Liza Minelli has been spotted wearing your favorite t-shirt, it might be time to reevaluate your style choices. I'm just saying...
2. The Consummate Boston Sports Fan:
These men are native New Englanders, and no matter what they're like during the off season, the second you mention a Boston sports team, they immediately revert to fanboydom. Much like in the movie Fever Pitch (which we stayed up til 6AM watching one Saturday night...lame), you must find a way to enjoy sports or your relationship is doomed to fail. Consider yourself cleared for take-off if you can see yourself taking this seriously:

(They're supposed to spell out Papi, not IPAP)

In case you unwittingly find yourself in a relationship with a Sox fan, here is a handy guide to his manboy brain. You're welcome:

3. The Middle Class Guy Who Doesn't Feel Like Trying Too Hard And Has Therefore Been Wearing The Same Clothes Since High School:


If you'd rather not spend every date sitting around a Quiznos listening to him talk about that one time he got sooo wasted he puked on the vice principal's car...then RUN. Enough said.

4. The Hipster/Slave to Trends:
While less intense than their counterpart, the NYC Urban Hipster/Brooklynite, the Boston Hipster is still a force to be reckoned with. Characterized by their tendency to rock month-old fads and trendy sneakers, this breed of man can run the gamut from questionably gay to skater chic, though they most often resemble a mix between Pharell Williams and "not gay" Chet from the Real World:


5. The NESCAC/Ivy League Educated Preppy Douchebag:
Yum. Can I just leave it at that? No? Okay, well then let me get a little more specific.

This guy is from a solid, waspy New England family. While they appear to be perfect from the outside, rest assured that Grandfather is not on speaking terms with Aunt Milly's children, because they rebuffed his offers to help them get into Yale. The fact that this happened twenty years ago makes no difference, he still treats them like the red headed stepchildren they are.

This guy grew up with a sister named Chloe, a brother named Foster, and two chocolate labs. He drives an SUV, played lacrosse at an ISL, and wears Madras unironically. He knows how to sail and uses the word "summer" as a verb, as in, "my family and I summer on Nantucket, what about yours?"
When the trashiness of Faneuil Hall finally gets to them, these boys can be found in all of their preppy glory at the Sail Loft, Four Winds, Tia's, and J.A. Stats. Their Lacoste alligators and Vineyard Vines whales serve as Batman style beacons, attracting pearl-wearing lady prepsters (aka all of my friends) in droves, allowing them to be discriminating in their selection of females. Their douchebaggery is only rivaled by that of the Ed Hardy wearing guidos, but is thankfully of a more hilarious, and therefore more acceptable, variety.

If you're still confused as to whether or not the man you've brought home is a preppy d-bag, and his pink polo is on your floor and out of reach, try grabbing your iPhone and checking out the first definition of preppy on Urban Dictionary. Got it? Good. If you manage to snag yourself one of these guys, get excited, because your future looks bright.

Alright bunnies, I hope I've dropped enough knowledge for you to get out there and snag yourself a man, or, if you're a guy, I truly hope that it's given you a chance to reevaluate your wardrobe and make the necessary adjustments...

As you've probably figured out, my man preference is clearly skewed towards the Preppy Douchebag, and my future wedding will look a little something like this, minus the tuxes, plus a nice khaki and navy blazer ensemble:
Don't worry though friendlies, that's many, many years away!

XOXO - Christine