Stuff White People Like (dot com)

For those of you who aren't aware, StuffWhitePeopleLike.com is one of my favorite websites of all time. I was perusing it today, and I realized that I had yet to post about it on my illustrious blog! The basic premise of this site is that they give advice to non-white people on how to best blend in with white society based on a 100+ point list of things that white people enjoy. Below is a list of some of my all time favorites, either because they apply to me, or because they only apply to left wing hippies and I therefore find them to be humorous.

#1 Coffee - Fact. I actually just downed two Starbucks Double Shot Energy + Coffee drinks, so I fully support this as being the first post on SWPL.com. Watch this clip from Bring it On: All or Nothing for further assessment of white people's number one love:

#17 Hating Their Parents - A favorite past time of white people the world over! You don't even need to be angsty or liberal to enjoy this one. The supposed hatred most often stems from a long ago childhood incident where the parent forgot to pick up said child at school, or made a critical comment about their lifestyle. It's all been downhill from there, for reasons that the parents will neither remember nor understand.

#27 Marathons - I am one of ten white people in the world who has yet to/will never run a marathon, but everyone else seems to LOVE them. Personally, I don't understand the appeal; I'd much rather enjoy some form of water sport.

#36 Breakfast Places - I would honestly not survive life without the occasional brunch.

#38 Arrested Development - Anyone who dislikes this show is no friend of mine. Just saying...the Bluths are phenomenal, and according to my former roommate, Rob, I am Lindsay Bluth. I don't see it, but sure, I'll roll with it.

#40 Apple Products - White people without Apple products are appropriately shunned like the freaks they are. I feel comfortable saying that, as the proud owner of two macbooks, an iPod, and an iPhone, I will never be a social outcast and can always count on the nice hipsters at the Apple Store to pretend to be my friends. Great success!

#51 Living by the Water - FACT. My parents will only purchase waterfront property, and so far in life I have lived on a river, by a lagoon, on the ocean, on a lake, and by a harbor. Best/most accurate line in this post: "On the East Coast, many white people dream of owning oceanfront property in New England, where they can make their lives as close as possible to a J. Crew catalog."

#54 Kitchen Gadgets - Oh dear lord do white people like kitchen gadgets. Magic Bullet? Food Processor? Smoothie Makers? Blenders? Coffee Makers? Cheese Slicers? Tomato Slicers? You name it, and Jenn or I have owned it. I'm willing to bet that they don't even bother airing those late night kitchen gadget (and Body by Jake) infomercials in places like Hotlanta. Everyone knows that down there, they show ads for Roscoe's and re-runs of SnoopDogg's Fatherhood. And no friends, I'm not being racist. Proof? According to Brown Bear, one of his female friends was wandering down a hotel hallway a few years ago when she ran into Jamie Foxx. He made her show multiple forms of identification and then railed her. In the morning, she woke up to find him eating a breakfast buffet of fried chicken and waffles. Fact.

#69 Mos Def - The Wayne Brady of hip hop.

#76 Bottles of Water - Tap water is for the homeless, who can't afford to care about the impurities they ingest daily. According to my mildly gay ex, pork is also for poor people, but that's a whole other can o' worms. Side note: I used to trick him into eating it at least once a week.

#88 Having Gay Friends - The part about drafting friends is both incredibly offensive and secretly true. Fellow white people constantly try to prove that they are not racist or homophobic by referencing their one black friend or that time they kissed a chick in college (if they're a girl). People in our generation who glean the most satisfaction from the drafting and referencing of minority friends are those who seek to prove that they are at least 50% more open minded than their parents and the crazy grandmother from Wedding Crashers.
For example, my mother, though not blatantly and offensively racist, enjoys talking about her "good friend Henry," whenever discussions turn to racial issues. I then remind her that Henry was her caddy and that she hasn't seen him since the nineties. My father, on the other hand, is vehemently against gay marriage. We once had a discussion about this over dinner and I said that I support gay marriage, if for no other reason than it makes it easier for gay couples to adopt children. This is a key issue for me, as I was adopted.
Later on, my mom brought up the fact that she'd seen a baby bear in our backyard a few days prior. She said that she had thought about getting a gun in case the mother bear showed up. I said that she couldn't just go around shooting any animal that lumbers its way into our backyard and leave the poor cubs motherless. My father then interjected with, "MAYBE SOME GAY BEARS WOULD HAVE ADOPTED IT!" I'm pretty sure this was THE defining humorous moment in his life, and that every comment from here on out will be made in an effort to match the glory of this joke. Also see: #14 Having Black Friends.

#89 St. Patrick's Day - All I have to say is FACT.

#102 Children's Games as Adults - This is 100% accurate as long as alcohol is involved. Take for example my brilliant idea for this past weekend's flash card drinking game, where you use multiplication/geography flashcards meant for 8-year olds to get your friends retardedly drunk and embarrass them for not knowing the capital of Iraq, or New York for that matter.

#106 Facebook - So true, and the analysis is incredible.

#109 The Onion - Without satire, irony, and sarcasm, white people would whither and die. Kind of like the opposite of Superman and Kryptonite.

#115 Promising to Learn a New Language - I do this daily.

#118 Ugly Sweater Parties - Who doesn't like these? Oh wait, everybody except for white people who enjoy wearing flannel/reindeer sweaters/spandex ironically. Also see: #29 80's Parties.

#124 Hating People Who Wear Ed Hardy - Self-explanatory.

Lovely. More to come.

XOXO - Christine

The TLC Special Drinking Game

Happy Friday bunnies! Oh boy, do I have updates for you...

Alright, so update number one is that, come September, Jenn will be moving out, and a new girl, Kate, will be moving in. I know you guys have enjoyed the few videos that Jenn and I have made thus far, so I will try and get her shitty and on iMovie at least a couple of times before she leaves.

This brings me to today's post! This past Tuesday night, my friend BB went boozing with some of his friends, and the following is our mildly entertaining text convo:

BB: We are watching tlc midgets.
Me: Drink every time they say dwarf, little people, or when they use a stool or grabber to reach something. TLC drinking games are the best slash most disturbing. P.S. Driving counts as reaching b/c they have special pedals. So does shopping in the kid's department.
BB: I would die.
Me: Hahaha. We like drinking and eating chocolate while watching World's Fattest Man at the lake.
BB: Imagine having 18 kids.
Me: Like the Duggar family? I would rather sew my hoo-ha shut.
BB: Yea I just saw a commercial for them, they make me wanna cut my nuts off.
Me: Hahahaha. Yeah, Jim Bob must have beastly sperm.

After this text convo, BB and I had a lovely chat about the state of my karma and how if I were to have children, they would wind up being be-mulleted, unibrowed, gingers, one of whom would be half-mermaid, half-treegirl, and the other of whom would be an obese midget. My eldest would be spared these traits, but he would inevitably be painfully emo, which is just as bad. Behold, my future children:

My youngest, half-mermaid, half-treegirl. She wants to be a princess when she grows up and god damn does she like biscuits!

My middle child, an obese midget, has remnants of his conjoined twin lodged in a neck tumor and is looking forward to his first LP conference. There, he will meet his future wife, who better be fucking sterile because if this kid reproduces, the world as we know it is over. Oh yeah, and there's my eldest, Finding Emo. His "government" is Mark, as in Marky Mark, but he goes by Keith, the worst name in the English language, because he's all angsty and wants to spite me.

Anyway, in the spirit of this conversation, I have decided to follow in the footsteps of my favorite blog (2birds1blog) and post a Drinking Game Friday drinking game. The topic? TLC Specials (and regular programming) obviously!! Thanks to BB for collaborating with me to form this epic list, and to Leah, who loves watching World's Fattest Man even more than I do. Enjoy!

For Midget Programming:

1. Drink whenever little people or dwarfism are referenced.

2. Drink whenever they go to a little people conference.

3. Drink whenever a little people dating website is mentioned.

4. Drink whenever they have to climb something.

5. Drink whenever they use a modified car, a stool, or a grabber.

6. Drink whenever you spot modified furniture.

7. Drink whenever they admit to using this product.

8. Pound a beer anytime you see a midget on a pony, in a cannon, or dressed in costume (like an oompa loompa or baby)

9. Drink anytime their regular sized children pick them up. (Pound one if they are then placed in a cabinet or closet)

10. Drink whenever they use the phrase "average height" to describe their normal children.

11. Drink if a little person is pregnant. Pound a beer if they discus their hopes and dreams for the baby's height.


For Shows About Fat People:

1. Pound a beer whenever they fail at fitting in/on/through something.

2. Take a shot if they have to tear down a wall to remove them from their homes.

3. Chug your drink whenever firefighters/policemen/nurses do a countdown to heave them somewhere (like from one bed to another).

4. Drink if they find something in their rolls. Pound a beer if they eat it.

5. Drink whenever they have take-out delivered to their obesity clinic.

6. Drink for every plate of food they consume in one sitting. Alternately, do a 10 second chug for every 1,000 consumed daily (pre-diet).

7. Drink if they can only fit in sheets and specially made mumus. Pound a beer if they're floral print.

8. Drink whenever a traumatic childhood is referenced.

9. Drink if they say that they've “been chubby/fat for as long as they can remember.”

10. Pound a beer if they’ve successfully lost at least 50 pounds by the end of the show. Take down another half beer if gastric bypass surgery was involved.

11. Drink if a flatbed truck is used to move them.

12. Drink if you are watching World’s Fattest Man (Manuel Uribe) get married, and you'd like to drown your sorrows, because you suddenly begin to feel terrible about the state of your own love life.

13. Drink whenever they secretly binge eat.

And for my favorite brand of TLC Specials...
The Freakshow Episodes (and other random programming):

1. Pound a beer if the show involves flippers, trees as limbs, or shrinking skin.

2. Drink whenever Mermaid Girl demands biscuits.

3. Drink whenever Half Man/Half Tree mentions his children and you cross your fingers that his shit is not hereditary.

4. Drink whenever somebody says, “I didn’t know I was pregnant!”

5. Drink when that person gives birth in a public bathroom.

6. Drink whenever fat women with mullets chalk their labor pains up to “gas.”

7. Drink whenever they didn’t know they were pregnant with twins.

8. Drink whenever someone who should not be procreating has a child.

9. Drink whenever there is a toddler in a tiara and/or full pageant make-up.

10. Drink whenever a human being’s remnants are found inside the protagonist. This includes stillborn children and undeveloped twins.

11. Drink whenever you see conjoined twins. Take a shot if they are shown engaging in intimate acts, while attached. Finish the rest of your alcohol supply if they have a significant other, and you do not. If you're out of booze, then seriously consider slitting your wrists.

12. Drink whenever someone names all 18 of their children in order.

13. Drink whenever someone calls a child a “miracle” or “blessing.” Pound a beer if it makes you throw up a little in your mouth.

14. Drink whenever Kate gives Jon a dirty look.

15. Drink for 30 seconds during Kate's rants and Jon's rationalizations that, "it's for the kids."

16. Drink whenever you seriously contemplate stealing Aaden, the adorable bespectacled child.

17. Drink whenever someone is given a diagnosis to their mysterious ailment. Pound a beer if they were diagnosed, given some meds, and miraculously returned from the brink of death with no side effects.

18. Drink whenever someone lists “genital sores” as a symptom.

19. Pound a beer whenever someone’s “Untold Stories of the ER” are told.

20. Pound a beer whenever a girl picks her wedding dress on Say Yes To The Dress. Keep drinking if tears, mother-in-laws, and/or gay BFF's are involved in the selection process.

21. Drink whenever someone waddles. This is applicable to the shows about obese people and midgets as well, obviously.

22. Pound a beer whenever someone successfully “Rocks Their Reception.” Pound another one if the song is uncomfortable, awkward, and/or otherwise inappropriate. Ginuwine's "Pony" is a good example.

23. Pound a pitcher of margarita’s whenever there is a home birth. Hope to god that you’ve drunk enough to block it out.

24. Drink whenever someone accidentally gives birth outside of a hospital. Pound a beer if it’s in a car.

25. Pound a beer whenever someone throws a bitch fit because they’re not sticking to their “birthing plan.”

Alright friendlies, I think that's about all I have for now since I have to rest up for my cousin's wedding tomorrow night! Have fun this weekend!

XOXO - Christine