Tom & Jerry

So, as I mentioned in a recent post, Tom (which I guess makes me Jerry), has reappeared in my life as of late, which reminded me that I never told all of you about our second run-in at Shaw's...oh yes my friends, there was indeed a second wrinkle in the story.

Brief summary of the saga up until run-in #2 for those of you who missed the entire thing:

Last December, I went out with a boy named Tom from Match.com, and we had the best date of all time. We met up and had dinner at the Lower Depths before going to The Script Concert at the House of Blues, after which we shut down Jillian's. During the two weeks following the date, Tom and I chatted pretty much daily, and he told me that he was excited to hang out again. And....then he fell off the face of the earth.

I was furious, but eventually got over it...until I ran into him when I was grocery shopping with Ali. We talked for a bit, worked things out, and he told me that he'd begun exclusively dating a girl that he started seeing around the time we met. After a bit, we decided to part ways, and he told me that he was "happy that the lines of communication were now open."

A week or two later, I shot him an email thanking him for recommending a website to me (universalhub.com), to which he never responded. Seething mad and feeling duped, I waited a week and then sent him a text message saying, "Glad to see you were so sincere about keeping in touch..."

The very next night, Ali and I found ourselves back at Shaw's, and imagine who I looked up to find right in front of me in the produce section? Yup, you guessed it.

I looked him in the eye and before he could say anything I (basically) yelled, "Hey Ali, this is the boy who doesn't know how to respond to emails!"

He looked at me blankly and then shouted back, "You don't know my life!!"

If our words had been silverware....haha

At this point, Ali took it upon herself to leave the banana section of the store and let us hash it out ourselves. As it turns out, Tom and his girlfriend had traveled to Portsmouth, NH, the weekend before to celebrate Valentine's Day and had nearly died in a freak carbon-monoxide accident at the hotel. Sadly, their relationship had not survived the incident...

Like last time, we talked for a little while, and when we were done, he said, "who knows, maybe I'll facebook friend you." I said sure, but didn't really believe it would happen after our last run-in and what he'd said about wanting to keep in touch, so I brushed it off and felt good about our "encounter" as what it was, just a chance run-in that provided some answers.

Cut to a few weeks ago, when I opened up my gmail to find a friend request from the man himself. Since then, we've spoken a few times and reminisced about the lovely times we spent verbally sparring in the checkout line/produce section. The other night, I needed his take on my date from last week (more on that in the next post), and gave him a call. He provided me some excellent insight, and then told me something fascinating...

Apparently, his younger sister had a radio show in college (she graduated this past May) and after we went on our date, he sent her a link to my blog. After the first Shaw's incident, she had two comedians on her show, one of whom is a (likely) closeted gay guy, and they did a dramatic reading of my initial blogpost about Tom. He told me that they'd actually asked for my contact info so they could have me call into the show and ask me random questions, as some form of character study, but he told them it would be a) too invasive and b) too fresh since the incident had JUST happened. I'm not gonna lie, I wishwishwish he'd caved to them, because I would have LOVED that.

Anyway, it's great to be on not only speaking terms, but actual "I need your advice, call meeee" terms with both Tom and Jim. I feel like as much shit as I've put myself through in the past few years, in terms of loving and dating in the city, I've managed to surround myself with a great group of friends, and some former love interests, who seem to always have my back, and I really think that's no small feat. When things happen in my life, especially with regard to guys, I tend to have a lot of very strong emotions (anger, sadness) for a few days, during which I lean heavily on my support system, and then I'm over it. This is something that you'll see evidenced in the next post, in which I discuss my date from last week...

Back in a few.

XOXO - Christine

I'm (bringing awkward) back...!

Oh friends, I am so sorry that I have been a horrible blogger the past 2 or 3 months, but life has been insane lately. I can't get into too many specifics professionally speaking...but my love life alone has been enough of a wreck to make me want to keep me far, far away from these here internets.

Things preventing me from being a good blogger:

1. I bought a new condo and am going to start demo soon. This means that I spend all of my free time channeling my inner HGTV, drawing sketches, and dreaming about color palettes. Assuming that roomie Kate doesn't move with me (the place is smaller but the rent would be the same for her), I will need to consult Facebook and/or Craigslist for a new roommate come summertime. I welcome input on required interview questions/activities.

2. Remember all of the times this past year when I thought things could go nowhere but up? Actually, you probably don't, because I tend not to write about bo-ring things like that...but in summation...things got worse; I'll explain in the following posts.

3. I haven't been going out very often thanks to a semi-strong desire to get my life together. Thankfully, my calendar for March is full of can't-turn-down-invitations and summer is just around the corner!

So...I'm figuring out how to balance it all, one step at a time, and I shall be a better and more diligent blogger/friend/liver of life and ignorer of stress going forward. Now hold on to your seats and get ready for some ridiculousness!

XOXO - Christine

Holy Fucking Awkward

Hey bunnies! So, I have a story for you...here goes.

Remember that guy I went to the Script concert with? Well, after our date, he continued gchatting me on a daily basis, telling me that he couldn't wait to hang out again. This continued for about a week and a half, before he suddenly fell off the face of the earth.

In my heart, I was pretty sure that it was over, but Anna gave me a long lecture about how "guy time" and "girl time" are wildly different, and that a week in guy time really isn't that long at all. Faith somewhat renewed, I decided to email him and let him know that I was going home for Christmas, but that I'd be back in a few days if he still wanted to hang out. The response? Nothing.

Undeterred, I held my tongue and sent him a second (and final) email a week later, saying that it was cool if he found someone else, or if he wasn't that interested anymore, but that I'd appreciate some kind of response or explanation, considering that the last I'd heard, he'd been totally into it. Again...nothing. (By the way, this all went down toward the end of December, and I was beyond impressed with myself for not bitching him out in a lovely New Year's drunk dial.)

Fast forward to Monday night, when Ali and I decided to go on a leisurely shopping adventure to Shaw's.....oh hey, who's that walking toward me from the cheese aisle? HOLY SHIT. It's Tom. (I believe we previously referred to him as "last week's date," "the incident," and/or "the condition.") I spotted him from afar, immediately turned around and started freaking the fuck out. Normally I wouldn't care if I ran into a former flame (see: The Comedy Club Incident), but this is a guy that I actually liked, who pretty much mindfucked me, AND I looked horrendous after one of the worst Mondays of all time. AWESOME.

Anyway, after some not-so-subtle walk-by situations, I finally decided that I would be kicking myself for weeks if I didn't say something to him. So......I ambushed him in the checkout line, because I'm smooth like that. I basically walked right up to him while he was on the phone and tapped his arm. Here is what I remember of the (pretty long) convo that followed:

Him: Heeey, what's up?
Me: Hi. I think it's pretty fucked up that you never emailed me back.
Him: Ugh, yeah, I'm sorry about that. I feel like a real asshole. I kept meaning to write back, but then I felt like it'd been too long, so I didn't.
Me: Well, it was a really dick move.
Him: I know, I'm sorry, I was dating a few people when I met you, and timing's a bitch, you know? I became serious with someone else and didn't handle it well.
Me: Clearly not.
Him: After a week went by, I just didn't want to upset you by bringing it up, so I did nothing.
Me: Well, let me teach you a little lesson about women. We ALWAYS appreciate an apology, whether it's 8 minutes or 8 years after you fuck up. It's an acknowledgment of the fact that you did a dick thing, and that we are not, in fact, crazy.

-Insert apologetic convo-

Him: So, how've you been?
Me: Well, I got into a car accident on Friday morning, the building next door to me caught on fire on Monday night, and now...this.
Him: Oh, I read about that fire on Universal Hub! Great website, you and I are both web savvy, I think you 'd enjoy it.
Me: Cool, I'll check it out.
Him: You were always really hilarious, we should talk sometimes.
Me: Awesome, call me when you're single.
Him: What, we can't be friends?
Me: Okay, sure, we can talk.
Him: Oh, and you mentioned your car accident? Well my car was hit by a cab on my street this weekend!
Me: OH, that's another reason I'm pissed you disappeared! You promised you'd tell me why your car is called Mexican Dave (name changed to protect the...vehicle?), but then you vanished!
Him: (looking around at the minority cashiers) I will tell you some other time, in person, I promise.
Me: Yeah...okay.
Him: No really. I'm glad the lines of communication are open again.
Me: Yup. Alright, I'm gonna let you go. Good to see you.
Him: Okay, see you soon.
Me: Alright...bye.

We high-fived twice and I also demanded a hug since I hadn't received one since my tunnel crash on Friday morning and was so desperate for a warm embrace that I would've taken one from Homeless Meredith. Okay, that's a stretch, but you know what I'm saying, I needed some loving...which is probs why I then purchased a stuffed elephant for myself to snuggle with...because I am apparently 5-years old. Also, Ali spent the entire 30 minutes that I was talking to Tom lurking around the magazine racks spying on us...real cool Ali, real cool haha.

While the entire situation was pretty awk, and I started out practically shaking because I was so angry, it ended well and I feel like I got the closure I was looking for back in December. And honestly, if he's serious about us keeping in touch, then I'm all for it.

Alright, that's it for now lovers! Let's hope the rest of the week is less drama and more fun!

XOXO - Christine

Ladies' Night, Oh What A Night...

So, a few weeks ago, Ali, Natas, and Margaret decided to host a bunch of us girls for a fabulous ladies night full of delicious treats and even juicier stories.

Like this tasty cake made by Natas herself!

Lest you all assume that a night such as this would be limited to us bitching about men (boys) and bowing to the gods Ben and Jerry, I would like to provide you with some insight into our five hours of festive fun and games...

You guys remember MASH, right? Where the person in question fills in two answers for each category, then the other person completes the form with all things awk.com, and hilarity ensues? Well, we played it, round robin style. Ali was feeling a bit sickly, so I took it upon myself to fill one out for her, since my life is already more of an unbelievable joke than MASH could ever hope to predict. Her results:
I even wrote a full description, essay style:
In case you can't make it all out, I've transcribed the basic gist of it below; the yellow bits are the parts that were filled in:

Ali, a trophy wife, met her husband, Homeless Meredith (a cabbie) at The Bunny Ranch in Nevada. They have 2 children, their eldest of whom, Eziekiel, was conceived miraculously during anal in the back set of their Audi A5. The happy couple resides in an apartment under the sea, and though their life resembles Seinfeld, Meredith has cheated on Ali in the past with a sex therapist. Their wedding was beautiful; Ali wore white, and they honeymooned in Roxbury. They own a rabid squirrel (ostensibly befriended by Meredith during her days roaming the back alleys of the North End), and Ali somehow makes bank. The End.

What a lovely life story! Congrats to Ali on her bright future!

Following MASH, Anchorman, and cake, we were treated to a rousing one woman show, courtesy of (not former roommate) Jen. Not only did she sing such smash hits as "The Thong Song" and "Baby Got Back," but she also acted out nearly every skit ever shown on SNL in under five minutes flat, with occassional back up vocals/charades assisstance from Natas. Have a listen for yourselves (no picture, just beautiful, melodious sounds)...

Alrights friendlies, more to follow.

XOXO - Christine

P.S. Don't forget to check out my other blog: All The Pretty Things!

iPhonegate 2009

Oh bunnies....it's about time I tell you all about the Great iPhone Ganking of 2009.

Ready? Here goes:

The weekend before last, I went to my friend Jill's birthday party and got retardedly drunk during the pregaming portion of the evening. By the time we got to the bar (Grand Canal), I was entering tunnel vision mode, which is usually a precursor to Blackout Boulevard. In order for this story to make the most sense, I should probs explain the layout of the place before going any further...

So, you walk in the front door of the Grand Canal, and you are suddenly in the midst of a throng of people. Directly in front of you, there is a bar that runs the length of the wall, and to your left there is a small stage with a band playing obscenely loud Bruce Springsteen and other shit I don't like. To your right, there are the kind of stairs that they have in split-level houses. Eight steps go up to a loft where they host private parties, and eight other steps take you down into a cozy little mini bar area with a few high top tables and a big, built, and beefy half-black bartender named Rewell.

Now, being drunk me, I of course sidled up to the empty bar downstairs, ordered myself two Coronas, and used my wily ways to convince my dearest Rewell to put the limes in the bottles for me (because my little thumbs are just sooo small and the lime always squirts in my face! God I love far-too-obvious innuendo). After tipping him generously (with money, not smiles*), I roamed around and hung out with my friends for a bit. Eventually, I drained both bottles and returned to Bar Rewell just in time to collect on the drink that one of my guy friends owed me. Sadly, my lover didn't know said drink was for me, and hadn't used his big, manly hands to force the lime into the bottle...for SHAME.

Upon seeing this, I strutted my shit back up to the bar in an attempt to flirt a little more with my future boo. Unfortunately, the guy at the table next to where I was standing didn't recognize the love vibes in the air, and turning to me, asked, "UH, are you just trying to talk to me?" The answer was obvs no, but he and his friends were sufficiently attractive, so I wound up befriending them and introducing them to my group of girls. Pretty sure I facilitated some sloppy makeouts that night, so high five to me.

Anyway, at some point during this fab meet and greet, the following convo ensued:

Me: Hey, it's my friend's birthday tonight (pointing to Jill), do you think we can get behind the bar for a photo or two?
Jill: Yeah, fun!
Rewell: Sure you can, come on back.
Diana (who was sloppy.com): I WILL PAY YOU TWWEENNTTYY DOLLARS FOR A PHO-TO BEHIND THIS BAR!
Me: Yeah, Di, you should get in it too so we can use it for our bday picture!
Diana: OF COURSE I'M GETTING IN THE PHOTO, I JUST PAID TWEENNNNTY DOLLARS FOR IT!!
Me: Haha, okay, whatever.

A photo shoot followed, and I'm pretty sure (I hope?) that Rewell refused the $20. My man cannot be bought!!

As the night went on, things just got sloppier. At one point, this kind of cute, and yet slightly trashy, guy and his awkward friend started talking to me by the bar (right in front of my lovah!), but I let it happen. A few minutes into our compelling chat, Diana stormed up to me and yelled, "THE BARTENDER WON'T GIVE ME FREE DRINKS!!! WHY NOT!??"

I told her to chill and that I'd see what was going on with mah boo. Actual convo:

Me: So, my friend is demanding free drinks. Can you just give her a Vodka Tonic, make it look free, and I'll pay you in like ten minutes?
Rewell: Haha, bitches (as in females) always want free drinks! Here you go.

Crisis averted, I gave Di her drink, talked to the Trashy Twins for a bit longer, and slowly made my way back across the bar to give Rewell some cash moneys. I must have blacked out for a minute or two, because the next thing I knew, I was standing there with my bag and another Corona in front of me, a pile of dolla dolla bills in my hand, and no wallet to be seen. Immediately, I turned to the Trashtacular Twosome and said, "Look guys, if you have my wallet, just give it to me, I won't care!" Of course, the negatively attractive one spotted it on the floor behind me, and I had to spend the next fifteen minutes apologizing my ass off for accusing them of ganking my shit...but only after I gave Rewell a napkin with my number and a crude drawing of my wallet on it, complete with instructions to call me if he found it, or you know, "just to chat." God I'm awkward. On the good news front? My drink and Di's Vodka Tonic were both on the house! Flirting WIN!

Anyway, I continued to talk to the trashmonsters, because I felt AWFUL, but then the cuter one started to make moves...the kind of moves I would have been into had he been 6'2" and blonde, but not so much in his case. So, I did what any normal girl would do...I made up an overly elaborate backstory about how I would TOTALLY be interested in him, except that I had recently begun dating the bartender and didn't want to hit on other boys right in front of him. I then telepathically (and later, verbally) informed my future baby daddy of said plan, and we had several fleeting moments of eye contact and even a mini heart-to-heart by the dishwasher while I was pretending to whisper sweet nothings in his ear. Suffice it to say, the plan was a hit...until the bar was about to close and I realized that within the ten minutes prior, SOMEONE STOLE MY MOTHERFUCKING IPHONE.

I ran around the bar searching for it and bawling my little eyes out, probably looking like an insane person and completely repulsing my, by then, long lost lover. While desperately calling my phone from Erin's, I ran into the Trashy Twins again upstairs. I told them what had happened, and the cute one looked me dead in the eyes and said, "Well, at least you know that we don't have it, haha."

EXCEPT THAT THEY TOTALLY MUST. Literally no one else was near me during the ten minute window in which it was tanged. I'm approximately 96% positive that they saw their opportunity to enact revenge on my reject-y ways and took it. Those little BITCHES!

Epilogue: Rewell and I failed to consummate our love, I wasted my big bday present on a new iPhone, and my parents yelled at my for several hours about the meaning of the word, "responsibility." F. My. Life.

Blerg.

Alright, that's it for the moment my friendlies! Good luck out there, and mind your phones!! And, if you are a sloppy drunk or an iPhone owner (like this girl), buy MobileMe ASAP, turn on the "Find My iPhone" feature, and set up a passcode lock so no one can turn this feature off. This is literally the only chance you have of getting your phone back if something like this happens to you. Also, it's kind of awesome because you can track your iPhone's whereabouts on me.com. So, maybe don't use a password that your stalker could easily decode...but otherwise, enjoy!

XOXO - Christine

*This joke will only be understood by people who have seen "Couples Retreat," which btdubs, was hilarious.

In case I ever decide to switch teams...

So today, my dear friend Ali and I dragged our hungover asses out of bed for a little lunch date. We had a fabulous time switching tables to follow the sun and judging the Asian tourists on segways, but before long, it was time to part ways. She headed out to watch some good old fashioned football at Bobby's place, and I meandered around Faneuil to do a little browsing.

Well friends, the browsing went quite well, until I dropped 3 hundo and it turned into a full-fledged shopping trip. After hitting up an assortment of stores, I realized that I had to pee, so I made my way down to the public restrooms below Quincy Market...and that's where things got awkward...check it out via the mass text I sent to my friends:

Me: A female janitor in Faneuil just smacked my ass, told me her name was Ida, and motioned that I have a beautiful face. WTF is my life.

Here are the text convos that followed:

Matt: Haha. Awesome, that's what it is.

Ali: Hahahahaha eww. Most action you got all weekend ?!
Me: Bitchhh

Bobby: You have a prison guard and a janitor...one to cuff you and the other to clean up

Jill: HAHA sorry but that is way too funny and insanely creepy.
Me: Yeah, well I didn't spot any prison tats and she wasn't wearing flannel, so I probs would've adopted her as my new hispanic gma if she hadn't awkwardly hit on me while I was washing my hands haha.
Jill: She screwed up that chance haha

Jenn: Hahaha that is incredible. Well I guess if [redacted] doesn't work out, Ida is obvi interested!

Mike: Yea yea!! U get her number?
Me: Haha, no, but I think she tried to get my info. I couldn't really hear her over the hand dryer, but she was gesturing wildly at me.


Even Anna piped in from her grandmother's bday party, where she was three sheets to the wind thanks to her Russian heritage and a fully stocked vodka bar:

Anna: Sounds like all positive things haha. I really don't know, I'm in the hole and at a party with 58 people - all couples. I think I win.
Me: Hahahaha. Yeah, at least I was almost part of a lovely multi-racial, multi-generational relationship involving flannel and golf haha.
Anna: See, that is starting to look really good to me.

Love my life.

XOXO - Christine

In Case You Missed It...

Just when you thought the biggest drama of the night was when Shakira and Pink showed up in the same dress, major shit went down! (Side note: I thought that this was a huge issue and that designers wouldn't lend a dress to more than one starlet? I suppose I should catch up on my stylist know-how with a marathon sesh of the Rachel Zoe Project...)
In case you missed it, Kanye ganked the mic from Taylor Swift when she won Best Female Video and said the following:

Not only was she shaking and near tears, but she had to PERFORM about twenty minutes later. So fucked up. Thankfully, he lost the Best Male Video award to T.I. and Rihanna's "Live Your Life," and the mention of his nomination elicited boos from all of Radio City Music Hall. The best part? He and his stripperesque girlfriend Amber Rose were kicked to the curb...I'm guessing it was partially because of what he did to Taylor, but mostly because they showed up looking like this:
Later in the night, after Beyonce won Best Video of the Year, she invited Taylor back onto the stage to give her back her moment. I never thought I'd say it, but Beyonce is as classy as they come. Here's the footage:


And on that note, I present you with the "Gay Fish" clip from South Park. The underlying joke is about fish sticks, and how if you like "fish sticks" (sounds like "fish dicks"), then you must be a gay fish. As it turns out, Kanye West's ego is so big, that he just doesn't understand why people keep calling him a gay fish after he admits to enjoying the taste of fish sticks in his mouth. At the end of the episode, Cartman gives Butters a lecture about embracing who you really are (may have been the other way around), and Kanye decides that he must be a gay fish if everyone else says so, and makes moves to join his fellow fish...you'll see:


Also, check out what Lady Gaga showed up wearing:

Her date? Try Kermit the Frog...

AWKHAWK indeed.

Anyway, I hope you friendlies all had fun weekends and I'll update more as the week goes on!

XOXO - Christine

P.S. As always, feel free to comment and tell me what you think about the VMA's and all of the Kanye drama!

Snuggie Sex

Thanks to Anna for sending me this incredible new website. Now I just need to smuggle a snuggie home from my lakehouse and make a few phone calls so I can try this out:
Yes Ma'am indeed! I particularly like the part about the subway grate. Methinks we should purchase a snuggie for Meredith and give her this handy-dandy guide? Perhaps then she would stop trying to kick in the front doors of all the apartment buildings in our neighborhood whilst using her "I need money" dance to distract people from the fact that she's a whiz at breaking and entering...just a thought.

More to come.

XOXO - Christine

My very own texts from last night...

Oooh bunnies....do I have a story for you. Actually, it's more of a collection of moments that I didn't black out, but here goes. So, last night we all dressed up and hopped aboard a very preppy booze cruise around Boston Harbor. It was a fabulous time, full of seersucker, drink tickets, and dancing whilst trying not to fall over as the boat rocked. After the boat docked, everyone headed to J.A. Stats for the after party.

This is where things start to get fuzzy for me and my texting abilities declined dramatically. According to the people I was with, I went off on my own and got lost, then we all met up at Bell in Hand, where I made out with some random dude, and then I convinced a guy, who is in my phone as "Indiana Jones," to come over. I guess drunk me knew I needed a chaperone... anyway, here are the incredible textchanges that followed...enjoy!

This is a convo between me and Patches O'Houlihan. I was trying to get him to come play on my roofdeck:

And "fond a ne w boy" I did:

To Eubanks, who wasn't in town last night:
Apparently I wasn't the only one who couldn't text...


And to Matt, one of my neighbor's who was on the booze cruise. I "hated" them all because they were being slow and I wound up in an alley by myself. Whoops.

To Eubanks, JDubs, and BDubs...I have NO idea where the n'sync comment came from:

And the pièce de résistance, my convo with "Indiana Jones."

WOW. Good times. These texts definitely explain why I'm still hungover at 5PM on a Friday. Alright, I think it's time to pack my bags and head to the lake! I'll be back sometime next week and will hopefully be able to do some blogging when I'm not baking in the sun!

Hope you guys all have phenomenal weekends!!

XOXO - Christine

Behold, The Most Awkward Couple EVER

Hey bunnies, I hope you all had fun weekends and decent Mondays! I'm so sorry about Friday's post in which I failed to properly embed the video of the most awkhawk couple of all time. The commentary is from me and a woman sitting near me in the park. Ignore the part at the end when I try and rescue a small child from running into the street.

Enjoy!



XOXO - Christine

Life Updates: Man Friend Edition

I don't have much to say right now, because I have an insane amount of work to do for Thursday, but here's my attempt at a post. Thanks to my various former man friends for reappearing this week and making my worlds collide.

#1 Remember Comedy Club from way back last December/January? Remember how he had just been dumped by his girlfriend of three years? Who he lived with? Well friendlies, guess who I sat next to in class last week....that's right, the ex herself. I sat through two full classes with her before I finally couldn't contain myself any longer and blurted out, "Did you used to work at the improv place? And date Comedy Club?" As it turns out, she's funny and nice and I take back anything I ever said about her old haircut. Poor CC, I hope he didn't have a mild heart attack when he saw our newly formed facebook friendship on his news feed...

#2 So this past Saturday I took a 4-hour long licensing exam and it was approximately 0% fun. Afterward, I dropped an insane amount of money at Sephora, bought a new LBD at Lord & Taylor, and hung out with Anna before deciding it would be a good night to veg out on the couch. Aaaaand then my plans changed. Turns out my dear friends the Bed Wetter and JDubs of "get the herp and dife" fame were in town and wanted to come over with one of my other friends. After squabbling for a bit, I finally gave in.

Being the slowest human beings alive, they took their sweet time getting to my place, and when I opened my door, it was just Bdubs and Jdubs, no friend. As soon as I saw that, I knew what they were up to (and by they I mean Jdubs). Yes indeed, it was "try to coerce Christine into a MMF threesome" night at my place. They begun their delicate act of seduction by telling my how incredible I smelled. I believe B's exact words were, "Yeah, you smell awesome. If I smelled you in a bar I would totally hit on you!" After I lightly rebuffed these advances, they backed off for a few minutes, only to pounce as soon a I sat down on my bar stool to look something up on my macbook. As I opened my computer, I felt B's hand on my shoulder and J's hand on my leg. At this point, I firmly told them that it was not happening. Love you, but no.

They finally accepted this to be the case, and B went to pass out in what he thought was my bed. Nope, turns out it was Jenn's bed. When I noticed this, I had a flashback to the last time he peed my bed and freaked. I tried to get J to help me drag him out of Jenn's room, but he told me, "No threesome, no help," so I had to pretty much haul B out of there all by myself. Unfortunately, in the process of lugging B around the apartment, I managed to forget about his little problem with bed wetting and put him to bed in my room.

After that, J and I stayed up chatting (we got past me telling him to get the herp and dife and him being an asshole in general). I went in at one point to check on B, and sure enough, HE PEED MY BED AGAIN. Ugh, literally shoot me. Luckily, Jenn was out of town for the night, so I just slept in her room, but still, bed wetting is a pain in the ass. The next morning I woke the boys and announced that B's new home would be my alley and that he was forever banned from ALL of my apartment furniture, including during our party this Friday night. I think he'll be okay out there, especially since he'll have Homeless Meredith and her head full of blankets to keep him warm.

AWESOME LIFE. Hope your Saturday nights were bed wetter and MMF threesome free and I'll update some more later this week!

XOXO - Christine

Threesomes and Balconies and Bedwetting...Oh My?

Odd Job: Hey, how was the weekend?
Me: Um, get ready for the best story evaaa.
Odd Job: Oh yeah?
Me: It was beyond ridic. I’ll do my best to give you the condensed version.
Odd Job: Can’t wait.
Me: So, the girls and I went out for Erin’s bday this weekend. We did dins in back bay and then hit up Market, by Faneuil.
Odd Job: Never been, sounds fun.
Me: Yeah, it was. So as midnight approached, the girls and I made our way from the big room downstairs to the front bar, so Erin could take the obligatory birthday shots. As we’re walking, I spot JDubs, my former hook up of “I hope you get the herp and dife” fame. We give each other an awkward hug and I tell him I’ll see him later.
Odd Job: Wow, talk about random.
Me: So we get up to the bar’s roof deck later on, and of course, the first person we see is JDubs. I proceed to make his life as awk as humanly possible by telling his friends the story of how he lied to me about going to Harvard when we first met, among others. Eventually I run out of awkward things to say, they realize they’re not getting anywhere with Jenn, and they head downstairs. This leaves me with JDubs, and his friend TG, who had just shown up after texting me to meet up all night. Full disclosure: TG and I hooked up once last winter after a rousing night of karaoke. Apparently my amateur rendition of Biz Markie’s “Just a Friend” really did it for him
Odd Job: HAHAHA
Me: anyway, as soon as his friends leave, he (JDubs) is ALL over me. I'm like WTF and start rolling with TG instead, to get away from JDubs. Unfortunately, JDubs sees this as a golden opportunity to suggest a THREESOME.
Odd Job: shut the fuck up
Me: Yup, second guy in two weeks to throw that out there…
Odd Job: What a jackass
Me: Yeah, so he keeps pushing this, and I'm like NOOOOO haha. Eventually, aka after an hour or two, he realizes it's not happening and then gets pissed. He tells me to go hook up with TG and leave him alone because, “he has nothing else to say to me.”
Odd Job: HAHAHAHA and you said.......ok see ya biatch!!!
Me: haha, pretty much. anyway, closing time comes, and I get a text from TG, saying that he’s already at my building.
Odd Job: that’s random.
Me: Yeah, so I wound up walking home with this kid Joe, who is turning 27 tomorrow, and who gave me a mini lecture on relationships. He did this, because he was fresh from the split with his girlfriend, who had dumped him at the bar when she saw him talking to Anna. Awesome Times.
Odd Job: Wow
Me: anyway, I get home, and TG and I hook up.
Odd Job: Of course.
Me: ON MY BALCONY
Odd Job: HAHAHAHAA
Me: ON HANOVER, WITH PASSERBY WHO HAD NO IDEA
Odd Job: amazing
Me: until I saw Jenn coming down the street with all of our friends and we ran inside haha.
Odd Job: Holy shit, fucking crazy. I bet that was awesome.
Me: after that, we all went to pompeii for food with everyone. We ran into 5 boys from school. And then TG made me take some crazy route home b/c he was convinced that he saw some kid who wanted to kick his ass.
Odd Job: good work.
Me: TG tried to convince me to come home with him, to MEDFORD, because he had his new bed being delivered in the morning. There’s no way that was happening, so he wound up passing out in my room in all of his clothes.
Odd Job: Right.
Me: So in the morning, I wake up as he’s getting out of my bed. He just looks at me and goes, “uhh, Christine, I think you’re going to be mad at me…” I followed his gaze to my bed and yelled, “OH MY GOD, DID YOU PEE MY BED!??” The answer? YES. YES HE DID.
Odd Job: AAAAHHHHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Me: And the best part? After he said that, he goes, “Well at least it wasn’t in my brand new bed!”
Odd Job: Your life is fucking incredible.
Me: I gave him clothes to go home in; he said I was a good friend haha.
Odd Job: now that's a fucking walk of shame, walking home in girl’s clothes.
Me: Nono, I gave him shorts and flip flops that belonged to a guy I used to work with, who I had a thing with for like three weeks a looong time ago. I’ve told him to come pick up his shit at least a half dozen times, so it’s his own fault that they now belong to a bed wetter haha.
Odd Job: again, your life = amazing
Me: Just another day in the life…anyway, that was pretty much it.
Odd Job: awesome story, awesome life. It always entertains me.
Me: my life is a fucking JOOOOKE
Odd Job: hey, are you happy??? Because that’s all that matters.
Me: True story.

THE END

I hope you all enjoyed that little glimpse into my joke of a life as much as I enjoyed living it...

More to come this weekend, especially since I'll be hanging out with all of these boys again at Erin and Leah's super sweet 24th bday party...can't wait!!

XOXO - Christine

GENIUS.

Pretty sure I'm owed at least two of these from last weekend...(thanks to TFLN for this discovery)

And bunnies, I also owe you a formal apology for not posting in nearly a week. Many, many, many ridiculous things happened to me last weekend, but I've been hesitant to post anything about the events of my Saturday night, since I will actually be seeing those involved this coming weekend for a joint birthday party...as you can see, I am in quite the pickle while trying to decide between posting, protecting their innocence, or waiting it out until Sunday...clearly I have been going with the latter option.

Well, good news, you won't have to wait much longer, because I have decided that sharing the truth and my lack of shame with you is far more important than pussyfooting around the epic successes and failures in which I was involved last weekend. Get ready, because when you stumble into work tomorrow and power up those PC's, a new post will be here, just waiting to brighten your day and make you sing with joy that you are not me.

Happy Thursday afternoon..

XOXO - Christine

Awkward Family Photo Friday!

Happy Friday! To get your day started off right, I thought I'd share this fab new find, courtesy of my dear friend Ali (yes, the same Ali who alerted me to the existence of PAN.com, she's just good like that). Here are some photos from AFP.com for your browsing pleasure:

This tree is torn between slitting it's limbs and touching itself. Personally, I'd be leaning towards the former...

Joe Dirt, before his Hollywood career began.

Leah? Is that you there on the left? I swear I've seen this photo in your apartment. Framed. And with museum quality uplighting. I'm just saying...

Alright, that's it for tonight. I have a busy busy Friday ahead of me, but I will do my best to get some solid posting in this weekend. I have much to say about so many things...including Patches O'Houlihan, The Real Housewives of New Jersey, Finding Emo/Glambert's second place AI finish, last week's aquarium date, and the discovery of several new fun things on the interwebs!

As MGE (Mildly Gay Ex, for those of you not in the know) would say, I hope you all have FAB-U-LOUS Fridays!!

XOXO - Christine

Patches O'Houlihan, Rent-a-Cop

Please enjoy tonight's edition of "Convos with Odd Job." The subject matter is my latest manfriend and the awkwardness that is my life...but what else is new, right?

Odd Job: hey there
Me: heyyyyoooo
Odd Job: how goes it?
Me: I am exhausteddddd. I have a funny man story for you though. Remember the guy I was seeing?
Odd Job: yes
Me: well I dropped him. He was way too flaky...and I've been banging a cop.
Odd Job: HAHAHAHA, that's awesome.
Me: His name is Patches O'Grady*
Odd Job: Right
Me: except I was telling my friends about it this weekend, and all of a sudden Melissa (Anna's new roomie) yells, "I KNOW HIM!" Apparently she used to have a thing with his roommate.
Odd Job: no way!!!!
Me: Yeah, and she did some digging this week and apparently "Patches O'Grady" the "cop" is actually "Patches O'Houlihan" the "jail guard." WTF. FML.
Odd Job: hahaha, so he's really not a cop...he's a rentacop
Me: that's even worse than the time JDubs lied to me about going to Harvard...mostly b/c I knew that was a lie from the moment he said it haha
Odd Job: that's awesome. you sure can find 'em
Me: I know, right? My life is a jooooke
Odd Job: It's entertaining.
Me: the night I met the "cop," I texted DD, the flaky one, and he didn't respond (this was easter weekend). So I walked up to the cop, whose friend had hit on me earlier in the night BY STEPPING ON ME (sidenote: really? that's supposed to win me over?), and told him that he was more attractive than his friend. Five minutes later we went back to my place.
Odd Job: hahaha oh wow.
Me: but yeah, I think he lied about the cop thing to impress me, and then lied about his name in case I was crazy.
Odd Job: yeah I'd say he definitely lied about being a cop to get with you.
Me: but then the next day, after the initial hook up, I texted him, and I believe my exact words were: "Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?" To which he replied, "What does that entail?"
Odd Job: Hahahaha. He's an idiot if he didn't understand what that meant.
Me: Well, I think he was trying to play coy. Anyway, I told him it meant that we could bang it out on the regular while avoiding public interaction. He said he was into it and BAM, our "courtship" began.
Odd Job: Haha, that's awesome. So now you have a new FB.
Me: Yup. He's come over 5 or 6 times now, twice last week, and he usually stays over, but has yet to come clean about his real name/job. He actually referred to himself as "O'Grady" last week, which is odd since THAT'S NOT HIS NAME and it seems like far too much effort to keep up the charade. Also, when I asked him to tell me about his job b/c I thought it sounded fascinating, he said he didn't like to talk about work. Now it makes sense haha.
Odd Job: haha, yes, he tried to cover himself, but apparently that didn't work. When are you going to call him out?
Me: Well, he'll probably come over some night this weekend, at which point I'll probably bang him and then call him out. Mostly so he won't feel attacked right when he shows up and I'm like, "the jig is up O'HOULIHAN!"
Odd Job: hahahaha, you're amazing.
Me: oh I knoooowww...

*Names have been modified to protect the "innocent." The "cop" does have a sweet mid-calf shamrock tat (classy, I know), so I thought I'd roll with the spirit of our ethnicity when renaming him.

So there you have it my friendlies. DD is out and Patches O'Houlihan is in. I've been saying all along that I don't need a boyfriend, I just need a consistent man situation, so this new set up is perfection. The whole FB thing was my idea, so I think he gets that I'm not looking for anything more at the moment. That's positive, especially since, according to his roommate (Melissa's former manfriend), he just got out of a longterm on-again, off-again relationship. I promise I'm playing it cool, because I would definitely prefer to avoid the mistakes I made with Comedy "I'll shoot you a text" Club. Thankfully, Patches is way better in bed and at life than CC ever was, you know, minus the whole rent-a-cop thing...

Hilarious addendum to this story: Patches came over around 2 or 3AM on the Saturday night before last (he was at Preakness this past weekend), and we went up to the roof to hang out. He was shitfaced and wanted to go urban hiking up the fire escape, which was fine, until he let the door slam behind us and we were totally locked out of the building. After trying every door and window, we finally realized it was hopeless and he had to sack up, go to the ground level, and scale a big, sketchy fence to get around front and let me in. Obviously I thought this was the most hilarious slash hottest thing ever, hence the following tuesday night hangout.

Moral of the story: As confusing and frustrating as life can be, it's also hilarious and fun. Happiness is often a choice, and it's one that you have to make on a daily basis. I could choose to be mad at Patches O'Houlihan, but I'd honestly rather just have fun with him and chalk the lies up to the fact that he thought we'd never hang out again. Eventually we'll part ways and I'll find a new guy to get locked on the roof with, but until then, I'm going to sit back and enjoy the ride...pun intended haha. Priorities people!!

Alright, enough of that haha. I have a looong day of class tomorrow, so it's bedtime for this bunny!

XOXO - Christine

Oh. My. God.

I am horrified by this person's mere existence. Match.com, why oh why would you subject me to this!!???

"I do have a nerdy side so I'd love to meet a girl who doesn't mind my love of Star Wars, Lord of the Rings, video games and stuff like that."

I'm sorry adamjj1919, but I am not that girl. In fact, I am the opposite of that girl. May I suggest a playdate with everyone's favorite LARPer, Dave Olsen, of Beauty and the Geek fame? Awesome. Well, I hope you guys have fun with that. Until then, BACK THE FUCK OFF, okay bucko?
XOXO - Christine

P.S. Fun fact: My friends and I shared a magical evening of NESCAC booze cruising with Mr. Olsen last summer, but no one believed me when I began shouting that he was on Beauty and the Geek. In fact, I pretty much had to be restrained until he was out of sight so that I wouldn't run over and yell, "YOU'RE A GEEK," in his face. Well friendlies, the joke was on them the next day when I did some googling and uncovered a phenomenal video of him discussing his favorite pastime WHILE WEARING THE SAME OUTFIT HE WORE ON THE BOAT.

Friends: 0, Christine: 1. Or Friends: -5, Christine: 20,000, because I am also the one who spotted (and initiated partying with) Mr. Boston back in December '07. That's right bitches, I have an unhealthy addiction to trashy reality tv (is there any other kind?) and it sure as hell is paying off haha.

Awkward Easter - FML

So, I went to my aunt and uncle's house for Easter this past weekend and had a great time chit-chatting with the extended fam about all sorts of topics...until my cousin brought up "Sexting."

Everyone looked befuddled, so I told my roomful of aunts, uncles, and grandmother figures that Sexting is the practice of texting dirty photos of yourselves to someone. We began discussing the stupidity of doing something like this, and the chances of the photos leaking, at which point I shouted, "IF YOU'RE GOING TO SEND DIRTY PHOTOS, AT LEAST MAKE SURE YOUR FACE ISN'T IN THEM!!"

The room went silent...until my aunt jumped in and said, "REALLY, Christine, is that how you're supposed to do it? Do tell!"

FML.

XOXO - Christine

I Love My Friends - Part Deux

The following is a fb chat I just had with another one of my guy friends regarding the awkwardness that is my life (and his too):

BR: Hey you

Me:  Hey, what's up?

BR:  Not too much, how's everything these days?

Me:  In response to the disaster that was my weekend at school, and at the insistence of my two friends who are on JDate, I have joined Match.com and am on a crash diet.

BR:  ah, how exciting

Me:  500 calories a day is NOT enough to sustain me while I spend my days browsing the profiles of eligible Bostonians!!

BR:  Haha

Me:  I have gotten a lot of messages and winks, but I refuse to respond to winks.

BR:  Hahaha

Me:  You're already behind the veil of anonymity people!  Man up and use your words to send a girl an e-mail!  Winking is a ploy to get girls to make the first move and I'm just not having it.

-Insert agreement and topic change-

Me:  So how's life for you?  Are you and [redacted] done for good?

BR:  Well, we broke up around x-mas, but we've hooked up a few times since then.

Me:  During one of those hook-ups, did you turn to her and ask how it felt to be fucking the future leader of the free world? Because that's what my mildly gay ex (aka MGE) did to me when we banged it out post-break up.  

BR:  Haha, can't say I've ever said that...

Me:  Yup, and afterwards he said that he needed his sleep because he was going on a mission for the CIA in the morning.  

BR:  Wow, that's kind of strange.

Me:  This was Doghead two years ago.  It all started because he told me I looked like a whore for wearing green glitter, and I told him that everyone thought he was gay, so he should have glitter everywhere.

-Insert another topic change-

Me:  So, any potential lady friends up there?

BR:  Well, I hooked up with this one girl last weekend and she was like, "do you want to have sex" and I said, "no I want to go to sleep," and she said, "no, we are having sex."  And then she took advantage of me.

Me:  Haha OMG sketch central.

BR:  I know, right?

Me:  How drunk was she?

BR:  She was drunk, and what was funny is that she was normal with the lights on, but when she turned them off?  Oh god she was a freak!  

Me:  Hahaha YESS.

BR:  I woke up the next morning with scratches down my back.

Me:  Haha, that's awesome.

BR:  Yeah, I needed a break after that.  But there are a few I'm working on now, so I'll let you know how that goes...

Me:  Niiice.  I'm totally blogging this BTW.  What should I call the post?  

Me:  "Rough sex, make it hurt" is just so obvious.

BR:  Hahaha

Me:  For reals though, any input?  I think I'm having a bit of writer's block...probably due to the fact that I'm malnourished.

BR:  Haha, true.

JDate and Match and eHarm, Oh My!

So my bunnies, tonight's topic du jour is, you guessed it, online dating!

A while ago, my friends and I were having a discussion about various online dating sites and whether or not we deemed online dating to be desperate or resourceful. A few of them seemed open to the idea and one had even joined eHarmony, but I was adamantly against the concept. While I appreciated the implied convenience of screening potential dates before actually wasting your time with them, I argued that those sites must be full of ogreish men who were too shy and/or ugly to approach girls in person. Exhibit A:

Well, my friendlies, it turns out that I was right...and wrong.
Let me explain...

So remember last week, when I was recovering from the Manbaby Fiasco of 2009? Well, my friend BCBG came over to cheer me up and we wound up spending some quality time browsing her JDate matches...suffice it to say, it was both magical and hilarious. While there were ogres and d-bags aplenty, there was also a healthy smattering of normal looking, well-adjusted man situations in the mix.

After BCBG explained how the whole process of online dating works, and I think a bit of the stigma dissolved for me. I'm nowhere near ready to settle down yet, but I wouldn't mind casually dating, and it's nearly impossible to meet suitable men in bars these days. Yes, you can meet a nice guy with whom you're compatible, but that always almost ends in a one night stand, not a first date. So, with BCBG's guidance, I've gone viral with my love life...

Initially, I signed up for eHarmony, but quickly realized that their method of matching people based on their "29 dimensions" was not going to work. Despite my preference settings, eHarm was convinced that my perfect match is approximately 5'6" and 32-years old. Not okay eHarm, not okay.

After my hate/hate relationship with eHarm ended prematurely, I joined the infamous Match.com. Within an hour, I had 5 winks (mostly from creeps) and a few messages. I deleted all but one, and he and I have been messaging back and forth since then, so we shall see! I'm so sorry TonyBaby1524, but your epic guidotastic-ness just doesn't do it for me. Prep school and a lack of sideburns are mutually exclusive, or didn't you know?

Well, that's it for now friendlies. Many more updates to come on this fascinating topic!

XOXO - Christine

I Love My Friends

The following is part of a convo with one of my girl friends regarding Manbaby. She met him a few years ago and hasn't seen him since.

Me: So remember that kid [redacted] that I was supposed to stay with this weekend?

S: Oh yeah, he went to high school with [redacted].

Me: Well he ditched me for another girl and I had to hitchhike home.

-insert convo about how fratty lax players feel overly entitled-

S: What's your login info? I want to see him again.

Me: It's [redacted].

S: WTF, he got super fat!

Me: Yeah, but I didn't know that until this weekend when I was too blackout to care.

S: He's a chubby wubby.

Me: How the hell did he get another girl? I mean, that is just NOT sexy. Whatev, I totally dodged a bullet on this one.

S: He looks like he should be working behind the counter at a deli!

Me: Hahaha, OMG I love you.

Love it. Thanks for making me feel better bunny! Totally necessary when shit like this happens.

XOXO - Christine