Tom & Jerry

So, as I mentioned in a recent post, Tom (which I guess makes me Jerry), has reappeared in my life as of late, which reminded me that I never told all of you about our second run-in at Shaw's...oh yes my friends, there was indeed a second wrinkle in the story.

Brief summary of the saga up until run-in #2 for those of you who missed the entire thing:

Last December, I went out with a boy named Tom from Match.com, and we had the best date of all time. We met up and had dinner at the Lower Depths before going to The Script Concert at the House of Blues, after which we shut down Jillian's. During the two weeks following the date, Tom and I chatted pretty much daily, and he told me that he was excited to hang out again. And....then he fell off the face of the earth.

I was furious, but eventually got over it...until I ran into him when I was grocery shopping with Ali. We talked for a bit, worked things out, and he told me that he'd begun exclusively dating a girl that he started seeing around the time we met. After a bit, we decided to part ways, and he told me that he was "happy that the lines of communication were now open."

A week or two later, I shot him an email thanking him for recommending a website to me (universalhub.com), to which he never responded. Seething mad and feeling duped, I waited a week and then sent him a text message saying, "Glad to see you were so sincere about keeping in touch..."

The very next night, Ali and I found ourselves back at Shaw's, and imagine who I looked up to find right in front of me in the produce section? Yup, you guessed it.

I looked him in the eye and before he could say anything I (basically) yelled, "Hey Ali, this is the boy who doesn't know how to respond to emails!"

He looked at me blankly and then shouted back, "You don't know my life!!"

If our words had been silverware....haha

At this point, Ali took it upon herself to leave the banana section of the store and let us hash it out ourselves. As it turns out, Tom and his girlfriend had traveled to Portsmouth, NH, the weekend before to celebrate Valentine's Day and had nearly died in a freak carbon-monoxide accident at the hotel. Sadly, their relationship had not survived the incident...

Like last time, we talked for a little while, and when we were done, he said, "who knows, maybe I'll facebook friend you." I said sure, but didn't really believe it would happen after our last run-in and what he'd said about wanting to keep in touch, so I brushed it off and felt good about our "encounter" as what it was, just a chance run-in that provided some answers.

Cut to a few weeks ago, when I opened up my gmail to find a friend request from the man himself. Since then, we've spoken a few times and reminisced about the lovely times we spent verbally sparring in the checkout line/produce section. The other night, I needed his take on my date from last week (more on that in the next post), and gave him a call. He provided me some excellent insight, and then told me something fascinating...

Apparently, his younger sister had a radio show in college (she graduated this past May) and after we went on our date, he sent her a link to my blog. After the first Shaw's incident, she had two comedians on her show, one of whom is a (likely) closeted gay guy, and they did a dramatic reading of my initial blogpost about Tom. He told me that they'd actually asked for my contact info so they could have me call into the show and ask me random questions, as some form of character study, but he told them it would be a) too invasive and b) too fresh since the incident had JUST happened. I'm not gonna lie, I wishwishwish he'd caved to them, because I would have LOVED that.

Anyway, it's great to be on not only speaking terms, but actual "I need your advice, call meeee" terms with both Tom and Jim. I feel like as much shit as I've put myself through in the past few years, in terms of loving and dating in the city, I've managed to surround myself with a great group of friends, and some former love interests, who seem to always have my back, and I really think that's no small feat. When things happen in my life, especially with regard to guys, I tend to have a lot of very strong emotions (anger, sadness) for a few days, during which I lean heavily on my support system, and then I'm over it. This is something that you'll see evidenced in the next post, in which I discuss my date from last week...

Back in a few.

XOXO - Christine

LET'S GO CELTICS! BEAT LA!!

Apologies for going dark the past two weeks. Quick life updates: I went on four first dates the week before last. Felt very blah about three of the guys, have continued seeing the fourth, who is pretty awesome and from Ireland. Am still match.comming and will let you know how that goes. Have also been going to Sox games (3 in the past two weeks!), and saw "Get Him to The Greek," which was fucking hilarious.

Now, please enjoy this incredible Game 7 pump-up video:



More to come tomorrow/Saturday, once I recover from the madness that will be the Game 7 shitshow tonight! Bring it Lakers.

XOXO - Christine

Summertime = Awesome!

So.....I won't be posting any life updates today because my best married man friend, Odd Job, just called and invited me to this afternoon's Sox game! I haven't seen him in forever, so I'm pretty pumped, especially considering how ready he looks for some awesome Sox action:

Love it. Will tweet some photos from the game, but until then, and until tomorrow, kisses for all of you and get out there and enjoy the beautiful weather!!

XOXO - Christine

Music Monday Update

Because I forgot to write about The Big Pink, but couldn't wait until next Monday to share my love for their song "Dominos."



And "Too Fake" from Hockey, via JDubs. I told you my man friends were good for something!



Seriously heart you all.

XOXO - Christine

The Break-Up Breakdown

Heyyyyy friends!

I hope everyone had as wild a weekend as I did...but that's probably not where I should begin, now is it? I know you're all just dyyyying to hear about my love life, especially since I went dark for a week without any word on the Jim situation.

So, where're we at, you ask? Short answer: In a much better place. Long answer: Brace yourself, it's complicated.

When I last left you friendlies, I hadn't heard from Jim since the break-up phone call heard 'round the bar, and was fully preparing myself for the inevitable vanishing act to follow. Thankfully, he finally contacted me later that night (via text) to say that he'd definitely like to meet up mid-week to talk things out and that he'd call me the following day.

Wednesday night rolled around, and after the longest day of all time, I made the drive over to his house. We went upstairs to talk, and I think we were both glad that we'd had a few days to think things through. He apologized for telling me on Friday night that we had "no chemistry" and said that he had been angry with me for posting La Roux's "Bulletproof" video on facebook, because it seemed to be directed entirely at him. I admitted that we had moved to fast; spent too much time together from the beginning. I said I was sorry for letting us get into a rut so soon, and explained that I hadn't been giving him my best me.

In the end, we decided to take a no contact break for 2-3 weeks, and then we can go from there. My fear is that he'll throw himself back into the dating game, meet another girl, and do the exact same thing to her in his quest to get over the hurt from his last break-up. I told him as much, and that my hope is that we'll both take this time to regroup. I need to get back to being my normal, fun, non-stressed self, and he needs to get over his ex-girlfriend and back to a place where he's ready to open up again.

Post-talk, I ventured downstairs where I bumped into his parents, who I'd really gotten to know during our brief courtship. I felt as though they deserved a proper goodbye, so I told them that we were taking a break, and that I didn't know if I'd be back. I thanked them for having me in their home, at which point they both bear hugged me while his dad called me "kiddo" and his mom patted my back and said, "we'll see, we'll see!" Definitely a bit of a bittersweet moment.

Jim walked me out, gave me a big hug, and said that drunk texts and dials would be forgiven, which is good for everyone since we both made that mistake this past weekend.

Speaking of the weekend...I had a wild time on Saturday night when a big group of us went out for Ali's birthday party at JTree.

For those of you who haven't been, it's a sports bar type of situation upstairs, with a sketchy sketch sketch dancefloor downstairs. We began the night on the upper level, where I actually ran into The Cop, before moving to the club level below as the night wore on.

I took down my fair share of Coors Lights and managed to black out pretty hard, but not before dancing around a pole and taking 1,000 awkward photos with my friends, including a very classy kitchen floor photo shoot with Kate.

It was definitely nice to get crazy and let loose with my friends after being so lame for all of January and February, and I feel like I'm getting back to being myself more and more every day. So, we shall see...until then, I love you all and I will be back here blogging again soon!

XOXO - Christine

(603): Soooo, I was just dumped. Via Phone. At Grand Canal. As a violinist was walking by serenading people. FML.

Well hello there friends! I haven't seen you in what, a month now? I apologize for disappearing without warning, but I desperately needed a month off to get my life together and figure out where things were going with the new boy I mentioned last time. And where did things wind up going? Say it with me now...fuckin' NOWHERE. (For the full effect, read that Bobby-style, with less bitterness and a lil more Boondock Saints.)

Yes friends, that's right, I was unceremoniously dumped this past Friday night in pretty spectacular fashion.

Which brings us to Friday night...

I got home from school around 7 and prepped myself to rage with Ali, Natasha, and Flores down at The Landing. When I finally arrived, the place (a roped in area on the aquarium pier) was packed with people I know. I immediately began double (okay, triple) fisting and having a blast with Dave, Greg, CJ, Boston Dave, Dan, Evan, Sean, Justin, Ali, Natas, Flo, and about a dozen other friends and friends of friends.

As the night went on, the group thinned out and eventually it was down to about ten of us, who decided to make the trek over to Grand Canal. Not sure if you guys remember iPhonegate 2009, but the point is that horrible things usually happen to me at Grand Canal, but I love it regardless. We began walking over, but then Dan decided that "private equity doesn't walk, private equity cabs it," so we wound up squeezing 7 of us into a cab, at which point I heard Jim's ominous ringtone (the beginning to "Shipping up the Boston").

I picked up and told him that I'd call him back when I got to the bar, which I then did from the patio out back. We talked for a half an hour or so and the conversation went from him telling me to go have fun with my friends, to me asking him what was wrong, to us breaking up and me crying at the bar. The part that makes this hilarious? Try the fact that the street violinist from my neighborhood walked by at this very moment to serenade all of the drunk couples. It was a dramatic moment fit for Lifetime, and I couldn't stop laughcrying because of it. And then...I hung up the phone, went back into the bar with a brave face on, accepted pity drinks and hugs, and danced my face off.

Post-Grand Canal, a bunch of people came back to my apartment to hang out and play some beirut until 4:30 or so. Dan and I teamed up to take on Boston Dave and his lady friend, and I honestly had the best beirut game of my life, sinking nearly every shot and finally winning it for us when we were down to one cup each and they'd hit our cup. One bounce shot later and we were clearly the champions. The night finally ended when Boston Dave broke a kitchen chair and the cold champagne ran dry.

The next morning, I talked to my best friend from high school, Catherine, for an hour or so and she gave me some really excellent perspective on the situation. Based on what I'd told her about this new relationship, it was clear to her that I liked him, but that the intensity of my liking was magnified by how well he treated me, since I haven't had that in a very, very long time. I've done a lot of thinking, and I recognize that she's absolutely right. Do I like him as a person? Absolutely. Did I cry when he ended things? Definitely. Was I mourning the loss of the constant affection as much as I was sad about him choosing to remove himself from my life? Yes, for certain, and that was the point she really drove home for me.

Anyway, midday tears and phone convos done, I Derby'd myself up and headed over to Toppers to meet my friends. If you recall, last year I actually went to the Derby and had the most amazing/awkward time of my life. This year was no different, minus the fact that instead of blacking out and awkwardly hitting on Greg, I was semi-sober and had to keep tabs on his drunk ass so he wouldn't die in the streets of Boston. Natasha wound up buying a spectacular Derby hat and we made our way over to Game On. The weather was gorgeous (somehow better than it was in Louisville itself), and we had a blast. Natasha even managed to win a prize when she bet on SuperSaver, the winning horse! It was a great time...until Ali almost choked some girl out for being a bitch. Oh Ali and her rage...

After Game On, we mosied over to Kings to meet up with Goob and Karen (Koob) for his old roomie's bday party. During said moseying, Ali was still bent out of shape about the girl in the ugly orange dress and kept threatening to serve her Boston tap water as revenge (for those of you who aren't from here, we had a massive water main break and we're not supposed to drink the water, Mexico-style). Everyone was dragging a bit while we were there, so the girls and I wound up leaving. Ali and Lauren peaced out and Natasha and I went on the longest walking tour of Charlestown ever to meet Greg at Tavern on the Water.

When we showed up, Greg was in rare form (not so rare for him) and looked like a very preppy and yet disheveled homeless man, a trend that should soon catch on and be known as "laid off day trader." He convinced us to head back to my building to hang out with the boys upstairs, which we then did. A beer later, and we were on our way to Good Life, with an incredibly racist, youtube sensation aspiring cabbie at the wheel.

Here, our group split up because several of us looked inside at the clientele and couldn't justify paying $20 a head to hang with pure sketchiness. Off to Bell we went, where Natasha "knows people" and was able to get us in without a cover, complete with an escort through the kitchen and up the back stairwell. Finally, the night was coming to a close when I got a call from BDubs. We wound up hanging out and he managed to not pee in any inappropriate locales, so that was a huge bonus.

So, in summation of my weekend:

- Friday was a shitshow (it always is when Dan and Dave are in the mix) and I still managed to have the time -and best beirut game- of my life, despite being dumped pretty spectacularly.

- Saturday night involved Game On, Kings, Tavern on the Water, my apt, Good Life, and Bell. Saturday night also involved BDubs, Greg, and many of my other favorite people. Good time = guaranteed, lack of clean water in Boston be damned.

- Today shall be full of golf (or more appropriately "whiffs" in my case) and a BBQ at Karen's in Southie. Do I have a lot of school work to do? Yes. Will it get done? Eventually. But for now, I just need to hang out with my friends and get back to being my normal, happy, single self.

So, that's where I'm at. I just want to give a huge thank you to my friends who were there for me this weekend and who stayed up with me both nights so I wouldn't have to be alone in my apartment while Kate's in Ireland. I already know that I will be fine, but that doesn't make this, or the prospect of getting back out there, any easier, especially after the awful year I've had dating-wise. Love you all, and I will be a more diligent blogger going forward now that I'm almost done with school. Okay, time for me to go lace up my golf shoes and hit the driving range with Karen, Goob, and Natas...have a wonderful Sunday afternoon everyone!

XOXO - Christine

Sorry for partying...

Hi friends!

So remember how I previously discussed my barriers to being a better blogger? And my first issue listed was the condo renovation? Well, we're slowly but surely making progress! Here are some photos from before and during the construction:

Old view from the kitchen...boo.

New view!

Which comes courtesy of the closet demo above.

Awkward bar/closet situation (don't even get me started on that decor).

Gone, along with the carpet.

I seriously can't wait until I have all of the "after" shots for you guys and everything is all beautiful and blue and white! My mom actually asked me if I seriously wanted blue everywhere, and I had to point out to her that 24 years of loving something means it's not a phase. I mean, really, talk about not knowing your child haha.

In other news, I went out this past weekend and partied my face off for Natasha's birthday.

Also in attendance were Lauren, Margaret, and many others, along with...drumroll please...a new boy I've been seeing (and some of his friends). Unfortunately for you, he knows about the blog, and he's not entirely comfortable with the idea of me talking about him here...but I will tell you this: He makes me laugh, he treats me well, and he partied like a champion with my friends this past weekend. Any guy who can hold his own while breaking it down at Bell with us gets an A+ in my book.

Alright, it's time for bed, but watch out for a post coming up regarding "Hot Tub Time Machine," which I am beyond pumped to see later this week!

XOXO - Christine

My life, in a nutshell.

Oh boy, where do I begin...

As you know, after the thing with Tom went horribly awry (more on that after), I pretty much vowed to quit dating and said "laterss" to Match.com in a big, totally rebellious way, very much reminiscent of that time I broke curfew by a whole HALF HOUR in high school, only to get a speeding ticket on my way home...what I'm trying to say is that though I possessed the desire to just say no, I failed miserably at following through. Apparently, leaving Match.com for good is like trying to slam a duck phone; damn near impossible.


Reasons to rejoin Match.com:

1. This article scares the shit out of me.

2. I need something other than Elephante (elle-eh-FAWN-tay) to snuggle with and a man (boy? kidding...) other than Drew to force my hugs upon.

3. I enjoy activities. Activities other than shopping tend to be more fun when accompanied by a person to whom you are animalistically attracted. With the exception of JDubs, one night stands to whom you are attracted usually don't invite you to brunch and/or a Bruins game after a sloppy night of bar-side make-outs. Ipso facto, I need a proper man friend in my life.


Reasons to run screaming for the hills:

1. Men are terrible liars. This means that when I hang out with a "single" guy and agree to go out with him the following week, and even make out with him, I can google his name the next day and am inevitably able to find out his wife's name and the location of their bee-yoo-ti-full wedding that occurred three years prior. If a man is going to do this to me in the future, I'd like him to at least have some tact and discretion. Unfortunately, this doesn't appear to be possible. Strike one for the men folk...

2. How much more can I really put up with in the bullshit department before, to quote Omarion, there's an icebox where my heart used to be? I thought I couldn't handle much else after the Manbaby incident, but as it turns out, I've been through a lot more, and I've become shockingly resilient.

3. Can't I just wait for my ideal man to come find me? You know, isn't he just supposed to stumble across me in some adorable meet-cute fashion fit for a romcom...while I sit back and write this blog from my couch...oh. wait. That's how fabulous twenty-somethings blink and become 40-year old cat ladies. Gross, I guess I do really have to get back out there, though, on second thought, the term "lady" does imply dignity, which is more than I have going fo me right now....hmmm, connundrum!

Whelp, it's settled...I guess I'm going to simply reactivate my Match profile and cross my fingers. And now for the tales that brought me to this (metaphorical) place...coming in the next post.

More in a few!

XOXO - Christine

I'm (bringing awkward) back...!

Oh friends, I am so sorry that I have been a horrible blogger the past 2 or 3 months, but life has been insane lately. I can't get into too many specifics professionally speaking...but my love life alone has been enough of a wreck to make me want to keep me far, far away from these here internets.

Things preventing me from being a good blogger:

1. I bought a new condo and am going to start demo soon. This means that I spend all of my free time channeling my inner HGTV, drawing sketches, and dreaming about color palettes. Assuming that roomie Kate doesn't move with me (the place is smaller but the rent would be the same for her), I will need to consult Facebook and/or Craigslist for a new roommate come summertime. I welcome input on required interview questions/activities.

2. Remember all of the times this past year when I thought things could go nowhere but up? Actually, you probably don't, because I tend not to write about bo-ring things like that...but in summation...things got worse; I'll explain in the following posts.

3. I haven't been going out very often thanks to a semi-strong desire to get my life together. Thankfully, my calendar for March is full of can't-turn-down-invitations and summer is just around the corner!

So...I'm figuring out how to balance it all, one step at a time, and I shall be a better and more diligent blogger/friend/liver of life and ignorer of stress going forward. Now hold on to your seats and get ready for some ridiculousness!

XOXO - Christine

Holy Fucking Awkward

Hey bunnies! So, I have a story for you...here goes.

Remember that guy I went to the Script concert with? Well, after our date, he continued gchatting me on a daily basis, telling me that he couldn't wait to hang out again. This continued for about a week and a half, before he suddenly fell off the face of the earth.

In my heart, I was pretty sure that it was over, but Anna gave me a long lecture about how "guy time" and "girl time" are wildly different, and that a week in guy time really isn't that long at all. Faith somewhat renewed, I decided to email him and let him know that I was going home for Christmas, but that I'd be back in a few days if he still wanted to hang out. The response? Nothing.

Undeterred, I held my tongue and sent him a second (and final) email a week later, saying that it was cool if he found someone else, or if he wasn't that interested anymore, but that I'd appreciate some kind of response or explanation, considering that the last I'd heard, he'd been totally into it. Again...nothing. (By the way, this all went down toward the end of December, and I was beyond impressed with myself for not bitching him out in a lovely New Year's drunk dial.)

Fast forward to Monday night, when Ali and I decided to go on a leisurely shopping adventure to Shaw's.....oh hey, who's that walking toward me from the cheese aisle? HOLY SHIT. It's Tom. (I believe we previously referred to him as "last week's date," "the incident," and/or "the condition.") I spotted him from afar, immediately turned around and started freaking the fuck out. Normally I wouldn't care if I ran into a former flame (see: The Comedy Club Incident), but this is a guy that I actually liked, who pretty much mindfucked me, AND I looked horrendous after one of the worst Mondays of all time. AWESOME.

Anyway, after some not-so-subtle walk-by situations, I finally decided that I would be kicking myself for weeks if I didn't say something to him. So......I ambushed him in the checkout line, because I'm smooth like that. I basically walked right up to him while he was on the phone and tapped his arm. Here is what I remember of the (pretty long) convo that followed:

Him: Heeey, what's up?
Me: Hi. I think it's pretty fucked up that you never emailed me back.
Him: Ugh, yeah, I'm sorry about that. I feel like a real asshole. I kept meaning to write back, but then I felt like it'd been too long, so I didn't.
Me: Well, it was a really dick move.
Him: I know, I'm sorry, I was dating a few people when I met you, and timing's a bitch, you know? I became serious with someone else and didn't handle it well.
Me: Clearly not.
Him: After a week went by, I just didn't want to upset you by bringing it up, so I did nothing.
Me: Well, let me teach you a little lesson about women. We ALWAYS appreciate an apology, whether it's 8 minutes or 8 years after you fuck up. It's an acknowledgment of the fact that you did a dick thing, and that we are not, in fact, crazy.

-Insert apologetic convo-

Him: So, how've you been?
Me: Well, I got into a car accident on Friday morning, the building next door to me caught on fire on Monday night, and now...this.
Him: Oh, I read about that fire on Universal Hub! Great website, you and I are both web savvy, I think you 'd enjoy it.
Me: Cool, I'll check it out.
Him: You were always really hilarious, we should talk sometimes.
Me: Awesome, call me when you're single.
Him: What, we can't be friends?
Me: Okay, sure, we can talk.
Him: Oh, and you mentioned your car accident? Well my car was hit by a cab on my street this weekend!
Me: OH, that's another reason I'm pissed you disappeared! You promised you'd tell me why your car is called Mexican Dave (name changed to protect the...vehicle?), but then you vanished!
Him: (looking around at the minority cashiers) I will tell you some other time, in person, I promise.
Me: Yeah...okay.
Him: No really. I'm glad the lines of communication are open again.
Me: Yup. Alright, I'm gonna let you go. Good to see you.
Him: Okay, see you soon.
Me: Alright...bye.

We high-fived twice and I also demanded a hug since I hadn't received one since my tunnel crash on Friday morning and was so desperate for a warm embrace that I would've taken one from Homeless Meredith. Okay, that's a stretch, but you know what I'm saying, I needed some loving...which is probs why I then purchased a stuffed elephant for myself to snuggle with...because I am apparently 5-years old. Also, Ali spent the entire 30 minutes that I was talking to Tom lurking around the magazine racks spying on us...real cool Ali, real cool haha.

While the entire situation was pretty awk, and I started out practically shaking because I was so angry, it ended well and I feel like I got the closure I was looking for back in December. And honestly, if he's serious about us keeping in touch, then I'm all for it.

Alright, that's it for now lovers! Let's hope the rest of the week is less drama and more fun!

XOXO - Christine

Adios Online Dating, it's been...fun?

6,335 views of my profile later, and I am officially done with Match.com. Thirteen minutes from now, or by the time I finish this post, it will all be over...no more coming home drunk and scoping out prospects, no more politely telling middle-aged men and guidos, "no thanks," no more going on dates with borderline alcoholics, only to have them rip shots in my bathroom or call me while riding their bikes back to the south end....no friends, thirteen minutes from now, all of this magic will be behind me.

I have to say, breaking up the homance (Bobby's newly minted term for a lady-bromance) with Match was theoretically hard, but it's also a giant relief. I don't know how much longer I could keep up with the incessant winks and emails from boys who think that we'd be perfect together because I happen to be the proud owner of a hoo-ha and appreciate the oh-so-subtle humor of "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia." I mean, maybe I have aggressively high standards, but I don't think it's too much to ask for a tallish, well-educated, cool guy who has some direction and can make me laugh...I'm just saying.

Things I will be more than happy to leave behind? Going on a date, coming home, and then seeing said date online scoping out new prospects later that evening. Granted I'd be doing the same thing...but somehow it's different when their "Online now!" badge is flashing in your face. And this is why I present to you my very best advice for you to successfully navigate the world of online dating whilst maintaining your sanity and standards. Also, we will be recapping what I have learned over the past 9, count 'em, 9, months. Get your pens and pencils out ladies and gents, because here we go...

Words of Wisdom:

1. When emailing someone you may be interested in, remember to reference information from their profile. Not only will it make them feel as though you're being genuine, but it will also prevent you from the pain and humiliation of this exchange. Also, spelling and grammar count, especially if you're over the age of 18 and/or have managed to obtain your high school diploma or the equivalent.

2. DO post presentable photos of yourself. If you would feel more comfortable maintaining your current look, perhaps you would feel more comfortable joining a dating/Lord of the Rings roleplaying community for fellow hippie elves.

3. If you're only looking for sexy times, please direct your attention to adult friend finder and leave me alone. It's fine if your idea of a dream date would be "dinner, movie, and a good time back at her place," but please, have some tact.

4. If you know that someone's not right for you, don't feel the need to get involved. Just press the "no thanks" button, and move on. There's no use wasting your time or theirs on something that's not going anywhere.

5. Wait an email or two before letting your freak flag fly, DON'T just put it all out there for your friends and coworkers to stumble across and then blog about, with accompanying illustrations.

6. Don't be sketch when you finally meet someone. It may go well at first, and they may think your drunkeness is endearing, but eventually they will find the bottle of orange vodka you hid in the bathroom and they will not be pleased.

7. DO be creative with date ideas! The best dates are fun, interesting, and flow organically. Dinner and a blockbuster can be a good time, but more often than not it should be Plan B, not A.

8. There's no blogpost to go with this, but after a date, wait 24 hours, or at least until morning, before logging in to your account. Otherwise, the other party is bound to think you're not interested or at least feel the sting of post-date rejection even more strongly. It's just a good policy to have because it works in reverse as well. Karma people, karma.

9. Speaking of karma, boys and girls, please quit it with the disappearing acts! I know I've done it to my fair share of online paramours, and that makes me hugely hypocritical, but I've since recognized the error of my ways and have realized that next time I'm tempted to do this, I just need to grow a pair and use my words. If you've given someone your number, or gone on a date with them, I think it's only right to let them know that it's not going to work out as soon as you can find a solid, sugar-coated reason, so they don't spend the rest of the week sitting around waiting for a phone call that will never come, because it's just depressing when I put it that way, isn't it?

10. It goes without saying, but please DON'T be any of these people.

And a bonus for good luck...

11. More than anything else, remember to get out there, have fun, and be safe!

And now, positive recap time. We all know what I have lost via Match.com (time, money, dignity), but what have I gained?

1. Laughter, and awkward stories, which are simply priceless.

2. A lasting and committed love for all things Kings of Leon (thanks to the boy who threw a temper tantrum) and The Script (thanks to last week's concert date) as well as a passing interest in Wilco (Drunk Date).

3. A keen eye for observation, thanks to the balding 23-year old I went out with. Baseball hats in every photo? Fool me once, shame on me...

4. A stronger sense of self and the things I want/need in life and in a guy.

5. And, in all honestly, the most important thing I've gained is a deeper appreciation of my friends, who have been there from every, "oooh look at this guy!" to each, "ugh, he was awful/drunk/balding!" Without you guys, and my faithful readers, I would've pulled an Alexa Ray Joel long ago (too soon?)...kidding, but seriously, I love you guys.

To the men of Match.com, thanks for the laughs; it's been quite the ride.

And now, I pass the online dating torch to my dear friend Lee (the same one who sent me the Jersey Shore Nickname generator earlier today), and I wish her the best of luck in her search for a decent man to call her own.

Stay tuned kids, more to come later this week.

XOXO - Christine

The Never-Ending Date

Hey there bunnyfriends, hope you all had fab weekends! Despite almost crashing into the back of an 18-wheeler last night (thanks impromptu snowstorm!) I managed to have an excellent time...mostly because of the nice lil date I went on this past Friday night. While I initially told myself that I wouldn't write about it (to prevent jinxing, obviously), it was just too fun to not share some details with you, so here goes...

I met my date at the Lower Depths in Kenmore, which is a fun little place where dollar hotdogs, tater tot platters, and a fine selection of brews all co-mingle on the menu in complete harmony. I highly recommend the turkey sandwich, as it was unreal with whatever cranberry aioli situation they smeared on it. The tots were also delish, but I was told that the chicken sangwich was the opposite of tender...so perhaps avoid that one if you make the trek out there. My only other complaint is that the restaurant went from being pretty empty and quiet when we walked in at eight to being almost unbearably loud by the time we left at ten, though that could have been due to the Loud Talker sitting at the next table over. All in all, it was a good experience, and I would def go again.

Next, we meandered (okay, powerwalked-it was cold!) our way over to the House of Blues to see The Script. Though I didn't know much about the band before, and only had one of their songs, I now love them. Bandwagon fan, I know, but love is love...what can you do? In case you haven't heard The Script, they're basically Ireland's version of The Fray and they sing some phenomenal songs with lyrics generally revolving around heartbreak and devestation...awesome. Unfortunately, we spent so much time at dinner that we missed a good portion of the show, but we still managed to see them perform the end of "The Man Who Can't Be Moved," as well as "Rusty Halo," "I'm Yours," my fave, "Breakeven," and one other that I can't remember.

Here's a video of the final song of the night. In case you can't see, the lead singer is wrapped in an Irish flag with "Boston" written across it and the crowd went bananas when he threw it into the audience at the end of the show. Enjoy:


More to come later this week, including a wonderful little post involving the findings of The Great Attic Exploration of 2009. Get excited!

XOXO - Christine

P.S. Here's one of my fave Script songs that I don't think we heard at the concert. It's called, "Before the Worst," and it's awesome:

Now Joining Team Jake...

Ohhhh friends. Oh wow. So, this fine evening, a group of my lovely friends and I moseyed (okay, powerwalked) our way down to the Loews Boston Common to check out some vampire (slash werewolf) on human action, in the form of the latest flick in the Twilight series, also known as, "New Moon." Before I go any further, let me just preface this entire post by saying that I've never read any of the books, nor do I fully understand half of what I just witnessed, but you should know that I will probably slip some important details. So, strap yourselves in, because there are likely spoilers ahead.

Now, onto the movie...

For those of you who aren't "Twihards" like my dear friend Leah, I will give you a little background. Basically, this really awkward plain jane type named Bella moves to some ass backwards town called "The Forks," which is meant to seem all earthy and wet and therefore mystical, much like every horror movie set ever erected. Bella's all angsty and like, "Daaaad, I don't wanna make friiiends! Grosss!" Finally, she throws on a ratty sweatshirt and drives herself to school in a bright orange clunker of a truck and meets Edward Cullen, who's creepy eyes twinkle when she's around. They go through a lot of brooding teenage bullshit and eventually he admits that he's a glistening little vampire and they live happily ever after, until some other twinkly vampires come to, you know, suck her blood. Obviously, love prevails, Edward takes them all out, and all is well with the world...at least until the sequel.

Enter, "New Moon." In this installment, Edward tells Bella that she sucks and he's peacing out (to protect her, but she doesn't have those fun vampire mind reading powers). After literally months of atrophying in a chair by the window, she finally makes slight amounts of effort to return to her life, at which point she takes notice of Werewolf Jake, aka HottieHotHottie. Stop judging, the age of consent is totally 17 in most places...right? Whatever. The rest of the movie is a blur, because I pretty much spent the next two hours drooling over Jake's Abs (yes they deserve to be capitalized) and shouting, "what the shiiiiit!?" I believe that my fellow movie goers were thrilled by this, as it broke up the monotony of the crying baby in the back. Luckily, the joke's really on that's kids parents, because it's totes going to grow up all emo and shit, like my future son, "Keith."

But, I digress. Back to Jake's Abs. I mean, JUST LOOK AT THESE THINGS!

I'm normally not into super jacked guys, but one look at these babies rippling in the morning overcast of The Forks, and I was hooked. When I say "hooked," I mean that he's so hot that I am actually able to look past that heinous wig he wears in the first few scenes, AND the non-ironic jorts he sports for the entirety of the movie. That, people, is LOVE. Or lust. But whatever. Not only is he suddenly supahfine, but he's also totes into Bella (vom). But nooooo, Bella's gotta stick poor Jake and His Abs in the corner slash friendzone and fly off to Italy to save this pasty motherfucker from Dakota Fanning:


I mean, Bella's weird and shit, but who, (WHO!) would ever choose this dude over...well, pretty much anyone else? He's ghostly white, built like a 12-year old, and I'm not sure if you can tell in this photo, but the silver screen made those nipple hairs look at least two feet long. NOT OKAY. I know, I know, he's a vampire, he's supposed to be pale...but if you're trying to tell me that these nocturnal Cullen vampire people have never seen an infomercial for a certain Bowflex Total Body System or, at the very least, the Smooth Away hair removal brush thing...well, I'm just not buying it, unless another one of their "magical powers" is to resist the wily charms of Chuck Norris and John Basedow...

So, in conclusion, move over Rewell...it'll be TEAM JAKE for me from here on out.


Enjoy the holiday lovers and I'll be back next week when I'm chock full of turkey and STORIES! And once I've purchased the above waterbottle via the wonders of the internets...

XOXO - Christine

iPhonegate 2009

Oh bunnies....it's about time I tell you all about the Great iPhone Ganking of 2009.

Ready? Here goes:

The weekend before last, I went to my friend Jill's birthday party and got retardedly drunk during the pregaming portion of the evening. By the time we got to the bar (Grand Canal), I was entering tunnel vision mode, which is usually a precursor to Blackout Boulevard. In order for this story to make the most sense, I should probs explain the layout of the place before going any further...

So, you walk in the front door of the Grand Canal, and you are suddenly in the midst of a throng of people. Directly in front of you, there is a bar that runs the length of the wall, and to your left there is a small stage with a band playing obscenely loud Bruce Springsteen and other shit I don't like. To your right, there are the kind of stairs that they have in split-level houses. Eight steps go up to a loft where they host private parties, and eight other steps take you down into a cozy little mini bar area with a few high top tables and a big, built, and beefy half-black bartender named Rewell.

Now, being drunk me, I of course sidled up to the empty bar downstairs, ordered myself two Coronas, and used my wily ways to convince my dearest Rewell to put the limes in the bottles for me (because my little thumbs are just sooo small and the lime always squirts in my face! God I love far-too-obvious innuendo). After tipping him generously (with money, not smiles*), I roamed around and hung out with my friends for a bit. Eventually, I drained both bottles and returned to Bar Rewell just in time to collect on the drink that one of my guy friends owed me. Sadly, my lover didn't know said drink was for me, and hadn't used his big, manly hands to force the lime into the bottle...for SHAME.

Upon seeing this, I strutted my shit back up to the bar in an attempt to flirt a little more with my future boo. Unfortunately, the guy at the table next to where I was standing didn't recognize the love vibes in the air, and turning to me, asked, "UH, are you just trying to talk to me?" The answer was obvs no, but he and his friends were sufficiently attractive, so I wound up befriending them and introducing them to my group of girls. Pretty sure I facilitated some sloppy makeouts that night, so high five to me.

Anyway, at some point during this fab meet and greet, the following convo ensued:

Me: Hey, it's my friend's birthday tonight (pointing to Jill), do you think we can get behind the bar for a photo or two?
Jill: Yeah, fun!
Rewell: Sure you can, come on back.
Diana (who was sloppy.com): I WILL PAY YOU TWWEENNTTYY DOLLARS FOR A PHO-TO BEHIND THIS BAR!
Me: Yeah, Di, you should get in it too so we can use it for our bday picture!
Diana: OF COURSE I'M GETTING IN THE PHOTO, I JUST PAID TWEENNNNTY DOLLARS FOR IT!!
Me: Haha, okay, whatever.

A photo shoot followed, and I'm pretty sure (I hope?) that Rewell refused the $20. My man cannot be bought!!

As the night went on, things just got sloppier. At one point, this kind of cute, and yet slightly trashy, guy and his awkward friend started talking to me by the bar (right in front of my lovah!), but I let it happen. A few minutes into our compelling chat, Diana stormed up to me and yelled, "THE BARTENDER WON'T GIVE ME FREE DRINKS!!! WHY NOT!??"

I told her to chill and that I'd see what was going on with mah boo. Actual convo:

Me: So, my friend is demanding free drinks. Can you just give her a Vodka Tonic, make it look free, and I'll pay you in like ten minutes?
Rewell: Haha, bitches (as in females) always want free drinks! Here you go.

Crisis averted, I gave Di her drink, talked to the Trashy Twins for a bit longer, and slowly made my way back across the bar to give Rewell some cash moneys. I must have blacked out for a minute or two, because the next thing I knew, I was standing there with my bag and another Corona in front of me, a pile of dolla dolla bills in my hand, and no wallet to be seen. Immediately, I turned to the Trashtacular Twosome and said, "Look guys, if you have my wallet, just give it to me, I won't care!" Of course, the negatively attractive one spotted it on the floor behind me, and I had to spend the next fifteen minutes apologizing my ass off for accusing them of ganking my shit...but only after I gave Rewell a napkin with my number and a crude drawing of my wallet on it, complete with instructions to call me if he found it, or you know, "just to chat." God I'm awkward. On the good news front? My drink and Di's Vodka Tonic were both on the house! Flirting WIN!

Anyway, I continued to talk to the trashmonsters, because I felt AWFUL, but then the cuter one started to make moves...the kind of moves I would have been into had he been 6'2" and blonde, but not so much in his case. So, I did what any normal girl would do...I made up an overly elaborate backstory about how I would TOTALLY be interested in him, except that I had recently begun dating the bartender and didn't want to hit on other boys right in front of him. I then telepathically (and later, verbally) informed my future baby daddy of said plan, and we had several fleeting moments of eye contact and even a mini heart-to-heart by the dishwasher while I was pretending to whisper sweet nothings in his ear. Suffice it to say, the plan was a hit...until the bar was about to close and I realized that within the ten minutes prior, SOMEONE STOLE MY MOTHERFUCKING IPHONE.

I ran around the bar searching for it and bawling my little eyes out, probably looking like an insane person and completely repulsing my, by then, long lost lover. While desperately calling my phone from Erin's, I ran into the Trashy Twins again upstairs. I told them what had happened, and the cute one looked me dead in the eyes and said, "Well, at least you know that we don't have it, haha."

EXCEPT THAT THEY TOTALLY MUST. Literally no one else was near me during the ten minute window in which it was tanged. I'm approximately 96% positive that they saw their opportunity to enact revenge on my reject-y ways and took it. Those little BITCHES!

Epilogue: Rewell and I failed to consummate our love, I wasted my big bday present on a new iPhone, and my parents yelled at my for several hours about the meaning of the word, "responsibility." F. My. Life.

Blerg.

Alright, that's it for the moment my friendlies! Good luck out there, and mind your phones!! And, if you are a sloppy drunk or an iPhone owner (like this girl), buy MobileMe ASAP, turn on the "Find My iPhone" feature, and set up a passcode lock so no one can turn this feature off. This is literally the only chance you have of getting your phone back if something like this happens to you. Also, it's kind of awesome because you can track your iPhone's whereabouts on me.com. So, maybe don't use a password that your stalker could easily decode...but otherwise, enjoy!

XOXO - Christine

*This joke will only be understood by people who have seen "Couples Retreat," which btdubs, was hilarious.

Aaannd I'm back!

Oh bunnies, so sorry to have left you hanging for a week, but this past weekend was pretty stressful with my big exam and all of my Sunday Funday activities (french toast + football = totally crazy times).

To make it up to you, I give you It was over when..., a mildly entertaining new website that details some of the more humorous aspects of relationship's demise. Here's a screenshot to give you an idea of what it's all about:This screenshot is particularly fitting, as I'm currently watching a show about polygamy on tv. All I have to say about that is, "bitch, please." The only way I'm sharing a man is via threesomes, and that's probs not happening, like ever.

Related: Today I checked out that app on facebook that breaks down the demographics of your facebook friends. Results? I am friends with 13 Andrews, and 69% of my friends are guys. Check it out:Kind of cool.

Alright, more to come!

XOXO - Christine

Oh, and then this happened...

So, this past weekend I spent a day or two in NH and then traveled back to Boston for some Saturday night fun. I've been pretty stressed out lately because I have tons of schoolwork and a major licensing exam coming up, so I thought some big, strong, man loving could really help me decompress, so Drunk Me decided that this was the best option:

That's right friends, I searched for a "sloppy make outs" iPhone app, and guess what?? There is NOT an app for that. Blasphemy, I say! Don't worry kids, I plan on suing Apple for emotional distress and false advertising immediately...or you know...when I get around to it.

More emotional pain and distress to follow.

XOXO - Christine

My very own texts from last night...

Oooh bunnies....do I have a story for you. Actually, it's more of a collection of moments that I didn't black out, but here goes. So, last night we all dressed up and hopped aboard a very preppy booze cruise around Boston Harbor. It was a fabulous time, full of seersucker, drink tickets, and dancing whilst trying not to fall over as the boat rocked. After the boat docked, everyone headed to J.A. Stats for the after party.

This is where things start to get fuzzy for me and my texting abilities declined dramatically. According to the people I was with, I went off on my own and got lost, then we all met up at Bell in Hand, where I made out with some random dude, and then I convinced a guy, who is in my phone as "Indiana Jones," to come over. I guess drunk me knew I needed a chaperone... anyway, here are the incredible textchanges that followed...enjoy!

This is a convo between me and Patches O'Houlihan. I was trying to get him to come play on my roofdeck:

And "fond a ne w boy" I did:

To Eubanks, who wasn't in town last night:
Apparently I wasn't the only one who couldn't text...


And to Matt, one of my neighbor's who was on the booze cruise. I "hated" them all because they were being slow and I wound up in an alley by myself. Whoops.

To Eubanks, JDubs, and BDubs...I have NO idea where the n'sync comment came from:

And the pièce de résistance, my convo with "Indiana Jones."

WOW. Good times. These texts definitely explain why I'm still hungover at 5PM on a Friday. Alright, I think it's time to pack my bags and head to the lake! I'll be back sometime next week and will hopefully be able to do some blogging when I'm not baking in the sun!

Hope you guys all have phenomenal weekends!!

XOXO - Christine

Casting Call for "America's Biggest Asshole"

So Ali just e-mailed me this link detailing the casting call for Spike's new reailty show, "America's Biggest Asshole." The open call began on Monday and ends tonight at 9 at Red Sky in Faneuil. As soon as I saw the name of the show, I knew exactly who to call...

At first, Jdubs thought I was just being a bitch, because I always tell him what a terrible human being he is...but then, I read him the description and he realized that he would indeed be a perfect candidate for this show. Unfortunately, he "doesn't do reality tv" and doesn't want to "fancy himself an asshole by trying out," so you won't be seeing him on this illustrous new venture from Spike.

Here is the description below for anyone who would like to try out or knows someone who NEEDS to be on this show:

"Can you irritate a perfect stranger? Are you quick on your feet? Can you handle a very strong personality? Are you a practical joker? Do your friends tell you that you have all the charm of Vince Vaughn, Denis Leary, and Stiffler rolled into one?

EVEN THOUGH SOME PEOPLE THINK YOU ARE HYSTERICAL, DO YOU HAPPEN TO PISS A LOT OF PEOPLE OFF?

Win cash, fame, and respect for your ability to say what mere mortals could only dream of saying! Audition for the new reality show 'America's Biggest A**Hole!' Come to one of the Open Calls, bring a photo and bio, and tell us your story!"

In-fucking-credible. I cannot wait for this show to air and am secretly hoping that Jdubs will try out despite his objections just now.

More to come!

XOXO - Christine

Life Updates: Man Friend Edition

I don't have much to say right now, because I have an insane amount of work to do for Thursday, but here's my attempt at a post. Thanks to my various former man friends for reappearing this week and making my worlds collide.

#1 Remember Comedy Club from way back last December/January? Remember how he had just been dumped by his girlfriend of three years? Who he lived with? Well friendlies, guess who I sat next to in class last week....that's right, the ex herself. I sat through two full classes with her before I finally couldn't contain myself any longer and blurted out, "Did you used to work at the improv place? And date Comedy Club?" As it turns out, she's funny and nice and I take back anything I ever said about her old haircut. Poor CC, I hope he didn't have a mild heart attack when he saw our newly formed facebook friendship on his news feed...

#2 So this past Saturday I took a 4-hour long licensing exam and it was approximately 0% fun. Afterward, I dropped an insane amount of money at Sephora, bought a new LBD at Lord & Taylor, and hung out with Anna before deciding it would be a good night to veg out on the couch. Aaaaand then my plans changed. Turns out my dear friends the Bed Wetter and JDubs of "get the herp and dife" fame were in town and wanted to come over with one of my other friends. After squabbling for a bit, I finally gave in.

Being the slowest human beings alive, they took their sweet time getting to my place, and when I opened my door, it was just Bdubs and Jdubs, no friend. As soon as I saw that, I knew what they were up to (and by they I mean Jdubs). Yes indeed, it was "try to coerce Christine into a MMF threesome" night at my place. They begun their delicate act of seduction by telling my how incredible I smelled. I believe B's exact words were, "Yeah, you smell awesome. If I smelled you in a bar I would totally hit on you!" After I lightly rebuffed these advances, they backed off for a few minutes, only to pounce as soon a I sat down on my bar stool to look something up on my macbook. As I opened my computer, I felt B's hand on my shoulder and J's hand on my leg. At this point, I firmly told them that it was not happening. Love you, but no.

They finally accepted this to be the case, and B went to pass out in what he thought was my bed. Nope, turns out it was Jenn's bed. When I noticed this, I had a flashback to the last time he peed my bed and freaked. I tried to get J to help me drag him out of Jenn's room, but he told me, "No threesome, no help," so I had to pretty much haul B out of there all by myself. Unfortunately, in the process of lugging B around the apartment, I managed to forget about his little problem with bed wetting and put him to bed in my room.

After that, J and I stayed up chatting (we got past me telling him to get the herp and dife and him being an asshole in general). I went in at one point to check on B, and sure enough, HE PEED MY BED AGAIN. Ugh, literally shoot me. Luckily, Jenn was out of town for the night, so I just slept in her room, but still, bed wetting is a pain in the ass. The next morning I woke the boys and announced that B's new home would be my alley and that he was forever banned from ALL of my apartment furniture, including during our party this Friday night. I think he'll be okay out there, especially since he'll have Homeless Meredith and her head full of blankets to keep him warm.

AWESOME LIFE. Hope your Saturday nights were bed wetter and MMF threesome free and I'll update some more later this week!

XOXO - Christine

The TLC Special Drinking Game

Happy Friday bunnies! Oh boy, do I have updates for you...

Alright, so update number one is that, come September, Jenn will be moving out, and a new girl, Kate, will be moving in. I know you guys have enjoyed the few videos that Jenn and I have made thus far, so I will try and get her shitty and on iMovie at least a couple of times before she leaves.

This brings me to today's post! This past Tuesday night, my friend BB went boozing with some of his friends, and the following is our mildly entertaining text convo:

BB: We are watching tlc midgets.
Me: Drink every time they say dwarf, little people, or when they use a stool or grabber to reach something. TLC drinking games are the best slash most disturbing. P.S. Driving counts as reaching b/c they have special pedals. So does shopping in the kid's department.
BB: I would die.
Me: Hahaha. We like drinking and eating chocolate while watching World's Fattest Man at the lake.
BB: Imagine having 18 kids.
Me: Like the Duggar family? I would rather sew my hoo-ha shut.
BB: Yea I just saw a commercial for them, they make me wanna cut my nuts off.
Me: Hahahaha. Yeah, Jim Bob must have beastly sperm.

After this text convo, BB and I had a lovely chat about the state of my karma and how if I were to have children, they would wind up being be-mulleted, unibrowed, gingers, one of whom would be half-mermaid, half-treegirl, and the other of whom would be an obese midget. My eldest would be spared these traits, but he would inevitably be painfully emo, which is just as bad. Behold, my future children:

My youngest, half-mermaid, half-treegirl. She wants to be a princess when she grows up and god damn does she like biscuits!

My middle child, an obese midget, has remnants of his conjoined twin lodged in a neck tumor and is looking forward to his first LP conference. There, he will meet his future wife, who better be fucking sterile because if this kid reproduces, the world as we know it is over. Oh yeah, and there's my eldest, Finding Emo. His "government" is Mark, as in Marky Mark, but he goes by Keith, the worst name in the English language, because he's all angsty and wants to spite me.

Anyway, in the spirit of this conversation, I have decided to follow in the footsteps of my favorite blog (2birds1blog) and post a Drinking Game Friday drinking game. The topic? TLC Specials (and regular programming) obviously!! Thanks to BB for collaborating with me to form this epic list, and to Leah, who loves watching World's Fattest Man even more than I do. Enjoy!

For Midget Programming:

1. Drink whenever little people or dwarfism are referenced.

2. Drink whenever they go to a little people conference.

3. Drink whenever a little people dating website is mentioned.

4. Drink whenever they have to climb something.

5. Drink whenever they use a modified car, a stool, or a grabber.

6. Drink whenever you spot modified furniture.

7. Drink whenever they admit to using this product.

8. Pound a beer anytime you see a midget on a pony, in a cannon, or dressed in costume (like an oompa loompa or baby)

9. Drink anytime their regular sized children pick them up. (Pound one if they are then placed in a cabinet or closet)

10. Drink whenever they use the phrase "average height" to describe their normal children.

11. Drink if a little person is pregnant. Pound a beer if they discus their hopes and dreams for the baby's height.


For Shows About Fat People:

1. Pound a beer whenever they fail at fitting in/on/through something.

2. Take a shot if they have to tear down a wall to remove them from their homes.

3. Chug your drink whenever firefighters/policemen/nurses do a countdown to heave them somewhere (like from one bed to another).

4. Drink if they find something in their rolls. Pound a beer if they eat it.

5. Drink whenever they have take-out delivered to their obesity clinic.

6. Drink for every plate of food they consume in one sitting. Alternately, do a 10 second chug for every 1,000 consumed daily (pre-diet).

7. Drink if they can only fit in sheets and specially made mumus. Pound a beer if they're floral print.

8. Drink whenever a traumatic childhood is referenced.

9. Drink if they say that they've “been chubby/fat for as long as they can remember.”

10. Pound a beer if they’ve successfully lost at least 50 pounds by the end of the show. Take down another half beer if gastric bypass surgery was involved.

11. Drink if a flatbed truck is used to move them.

12. Drink if you are watching World’s Fattest Man (Manuel Uribe) get married, and you'd like to drown your sorrows, because you suddenly begin to feel terrible about the state of your own love life.

13. Drink whenever they secretly binge eat.

And for my favorite brand of TLC Specials...
The Freakshow Episodes (and other random programming):

1. Pound a beer if the show involves flippers, trees as limbs, or shrinking skin.

2. Drink whenever Mermaid Girl demands biscuits.

3. Drink whenever Half Man/Half Tree mentions his children and you cross your fingers that his shit is not hereditary.

4. Drink whenever somebody says, “I didn’t know I was pregnant!”

5. Drink when that person gives birth in a public bathroom.

6. Drink whenever fat women with mullets chalk their labor pains up to “gas.”

7. Drink whenever they didn’t know they were pregnant with twins.

8. Drink whenever someone who should not be procreating has a child.

9. Drink whenever there is a toddler in a tiara and/or full pageant make-up.

10. Drink whenever a human being’s remnants are found inside the protagonist. This includes stillborn children and undeveloped twins.

11. Drink whenever you see conjoined twins. Take a shot if they are shown engaging in intimate acts, while attached. Finish the rest of your alcohol supply if they have a significant other, and you do not. If you're out of booze, then seriously consider slitting your wrists.

12. Drink whenever someone names all 18 of their children in order.

13. Drink whenever someone calls a child a “miracle” or “blessing.” Pound a beer if it makes you throw up a little in your mouth.

14. Drink whenever Kate gives Jon a dirty look.

15. Drink for 30 seconds during Kate's rants and Jon's rationalizations that, "it's for the kids."

16. Drink whenever you seriously contemplate stealing Aaden, the adorable bespectacled child.

17. Drink whenever someone is given a diagnosis to their mysterious ailment. Pound a beer if they were diagnosed, given some meds, and miraculously returned from the brink of death with no side effects.

18. Drink whenever someone lists “genital sores” as a symptom.

19. Pound a beer whenever someone’s “Untold Stories of the ER” are told.

20. Pound a beer whenever a girl picks her wedding dress on Say Yes To The Dress. Keep drinking if tears, mother-in-laws, and/or gay BFF's are involved in the selection process.

21. Drink whenever someone waddles. This is applicable to the shows about obese people and midgets as well, obviously.

22. Pound a beer whenever someone successfully “Rocks Their Reception.” Pound another one if the song is uncomfortable, awkward, and/or otherwise inappropriate. Ginuwine's "Pony" is a good example.

23. Pound a pitcher of margarita’s whenever there is a home birth. Hope to god that you’ve drunk enough to block it out.

24. Drink whenever someone accidentally gives birth outside of a hospital. Pound a beer if it’s in a car.

25. Pound a beer whenever someone throws a bitch fit because they’re not sticking to their “birthing plan.”

Alright friendlies, I think that's about all I have for now since I have to rest up for my cousin's wedding tomorrow night! Have fun this weekend!

XOXO - Christine