Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Now Joining Team Jake...

Ohhhh friends. Oh wow. So, this fine evening, a group of my lovely friends and I moseyed (okay, powerwalked) our way down to the Loews Boston Common to check out some vampire (slash werewolf) on human action, in the form of the latest flick in the Twilight series, also known as, "New Moon." Before I go any further, let me just preface this entire post by saying that I've never read any of the books, nor do I fully understand half of what I just witnessed, but you should know that I will probably slip some important details. So, strap yourselves in, because there are likely spoilers ahead.

Now, onto the movie...

For those of you who aren't "Twihards" like my dear friend Leah, I will give you a little background. Basically, this really awkward plain jane type named Bella moves to some ass backwards town called "The Forks," which is meant to seem all earthy and wet and therefore mystical, much like every horror movie set ever erected. Bella's all angsty and like, "Daaaad, I don't wanna make friiiends! Grosss!" Finally, she throws on a ratty sweatshirt and drives herself to school in a bright orange clunker of a truck and meets Edward Cullen, who's creepy eyes twinkle when she's around. They go through a lot of brooding teenage bullshit and eventually he admits that he's a glistening little vampire and they live happily ever after, until some other twinkly vampires come to, you know, suck her blood. Obviously, love prevails, Edward takes them all out, and all is well with the world...at least until the sequel.

Enter, "New Moon." In this installment, Edward tells Bella that she sucks and he's peacing out (to protect her, but she doesn't have those fun vampire mind reading powers). After literally months of atrophying in a chair by the window, she finally makes slight amounts of effort to return to her life, at which point she takes notice of Werewolf Jake, aka HottieHotHottie. Stop judging, the age of consent is totally 17 in most places...right? Whatever. The rest of the movie is a blur, because I pretty much spent the next two hours drooling over Jake's Abs (yes they deserve to be capitalized) and shouting, "what the shiiiiit!?" I believe that my fellow movie goers were thrilled by this, as it broke up the monotony of the crying baby in the back. Luckily, the joke's really on that's kids parents, because it's totes going to grow up all emo and shit, like my future son, "Keith."

But, I digress. Back to Jake's Abs. I mean, JUST LOOK AT THESE THINGS!

I'm normally not into super jacked guys, but one look at these babies rippling in the morning overcast of The Forks, and I was hooked. When I say "hooked," I mean that he's so hot that I am actually able to look past that heinous wig he wears in the first few scenes, AND the non-ironic jorts he sports for the entirety of the movie. That, people, is LOVE. Or lust. But whatever. Not only is he suddenly supahfine, but he's also totes into Bella (vom). But nooooo, Bella's gotta stick poor Jake and His Abs in the corner slash friendzone and fly off to Italy to save this pasty motherfucker from Dakota Fanning:


I mean, Bella's weird and shit, but who, (WHO!) would ever choose this dude over...well, pretty much anyone else? He's ghostly white, built like a 12-year old, and I'm not sure if you can tell in this photo, but the silver screen made those nipple hairs look at least two feet long. NOT OKAY. I know, I know, he's a vampire, he's supposed to be pale...but if you're trying to tell me that these nocturnal Cullen vampire people have never seen an infomercial for a certain Bowflex Total Body System or, at the very least, the Smooth Away hair removal brush thing...well, I'm just not buying it, unless another one of their "magical powers" is to resist the wily charms of Chuck Norris and John Basedow...

So, in conclusion, move over Rewell...it'll be TEAM JAKE for me from here on out.


Enjoy the holiday lovers and I'll be back next week when I'm chock full of turkey and STORIES! And once I've purchased the above waterbottle via the wonders of the internets...

XOXO - Christine

Friday, November 20, 2009

Wanted: Lion Cub and/or Midget Friend

So, for those of you not following my obnoxious photo tweets about Bradydog, etc. on Twitter...the little guy was here last week and brought much joy and laughter into the lives of all who had the pleasure of running into him on the mean streets of Boston. There were playdates with Zeke and Olivia, trips to school, whole afternoons spent in the park...really, it was the highlight of this entire city's November. Sadly, I had to return him to my parents after a few days and it was truly a devastating loss...not just for me, but for Massachusetts as a whole.

While desperately searching for a way to remedy the situation, New Roomie Kate came up with an ingenius idea. Ready for it?

Befriend/hire a midget, excuse me, "little person," clothe him in a lion costume, and return home every night to his wagging little tail and smiling face! Incredible, right? We have determined that peeing when meeting new people is optional. Authenticity is nice, but no one reeeally enjoys cleaning up urine...trust me, I would know. In addition to being a lovable ball of joy and wonder at all times, we would expect said Little Lion to morph into a cleaning and organizing machine whenever we leave the apartment...you know, the way that stuffed animals totally come to life as soon as you leave the room.

For their services, we would house them in a lovely plastic crate, with the option to upgrade to the foot of my bed after a 3-month trial period. The starting pay is 3 milkbones and two meals per day, with a negotiable bonus of one chew toy and/or soup bone for each time they are required to come to the bar and wrangle our drunk selves. Two chew toys if they have to chaperone us while we sleep so we don't throw up on our laptops...just saying, it's a possibility.

So, if you know any little people and/or small children looking for a yob in these uncertain times, or simply looking to scratch and lick their way to being this happy,

Sweatshirt not included with offer.

then please direct them to this blog, and remind them that like ibankers circa 2004, they should look beyond the initial salary, as they'll be earning at least half of their income in (drunk patrol) bonuses.

Until the next post...

XOXO - Christine

Thursday, November 12, 2009

Happy Thursday!

Hello loves! Hope you all had fab Veteran's days and welcome back to the workweek for those of you who had yesterday off. To get your Thursday started right, I've compiled the funniest videos from FunnyorDie.com for your viewing pleasure. Enjoy!

Christopher Walken doing a dramatic reading of Poker Face:


Drunk Ewoks battling it out on The Today Show:


Not sure if I've posted this before or not, but Jon Lajoie is the man, so here you go (again?):


"That's What She Said..."


The Ed Hardy Boyz:


"Between Two Ferns" with Zach Galifianakis:

And, in honor of Bradydog's recent visit, we'll end with this winner:
Hot Dog - watch more funny videos


Hope you guys enjoyed those! More to come later today...

XOXO - Christine

Thursday, November 5, 2009

Ladies' Night, Oh What A Night...

So, a few weeks ago, Ali, Natas, and Margaret decided to host a bunch of us girls for a fabulous ladies night full of delicious treats and even juicier stories.

Like this tasty cake made by Natas herself!

Lest you all assume that a night such as this would be limited to us bitching about men (boys) and bowing to the gods Ben and Jerry, I would like to provide you with some insight into our five hours of festive fun and games...

You guys remember MASH, right? Where the person in question fills in two answers for each category, then the other person completes the form with all things awk.com, and hilarity ensues? Well, we played it, round robin style. Ali was feeling a bit sickly, so I took it upon myself to fill one out for her, since my life is already more of an unbelievable joke than MASH could ever hope to predict. Her results:
I even wrote a full description, essay style:
In case you can't make it all out, I've transcribed the basic gist of it below; the yellow bits are the parts that were filled in:

Ali, a trophy wife, met her husband, Homeless Meredith (a cabbie) at The Bunny Ranch in Nevada. They have 2 children, their eldest of whom, Eziekiel, was conceived miraculously during anal in the back set of their Audi A5. The happy couple resides in an apartment under the sea, and though their life resembles Seinfeld, Meredith has cheated on Ali in the past with a sex therapist. Their wedding was beautiful; Ali wore white, and they honeymooned in Roxbury. They own a rabid squirrel (ostensibly befriended by Meredith during her days roaming the back alleys of the North End), and Ali somehow makes bank. The End.

What a lovely life story! Congrats to Ali on her bright future!

Following MASH, Anchorman, and cake, we were treated to a rousing one woman show, courtesy of (not former roommate) Jen. Not only did she sing such smash hits as "The Thong Song" and "Baby Got Back," but she also acted out nearly every skit ever shown on SNL in under five minutes flat, with occassional back up vocals/charades assisstance from Natas. Have a listen for yourselves (no picture, just beautiful, melodious sounds)...

Alrights friendlies, more to follow.

XOXO - Christine

P.S. Don't forget to check out my other blog: All The Pretty Things!
 
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