Now, onto the movie...
For those of you who aren't "Twihards" like my dear friend Leah, I will give you a little background. Basically, this really awkward plain jane type named Bella moves to some ass backwards town called "The Forks," which is meant to seem all earthy and wet and therefore mystical, much like every horror movie set ever erected. Bella's all angsty and like, "Daaaad, I don't wanna make friiiends! Grosss!" Finally, she throws on a ratty sweatshirt and drives herself to school in a bright orange clunker of a truck and meets Edward Cullen, who's creepy eyes twinkle when she's around. They go through a lot of brooding teenage bullshit and eventually he admits that he's a glistening little vampire and they live happily ever after, until some other twinkly vampires come to, you know, suck her blood. Obviously, love prevails, Edward takes them all out, and all is well with the world...at least until the sequel.
Enter, "New Moon." In this installment, Edward tells Bella that she sucks and he's peacing out (to protect her, but she doesn't have those fun vampire mind reading powers). After literally months of atrophying in a chair by the window, she finally makes slight amounts of effort to return to her life, at which point she takes notice of Werewolf Jake, aka HottieHotHottie. Stop judging, the age of consent is totally 17 in most places...right? Whatever. The rest of the movie is a blur, because I pretty much spent the next two hours drooling over Jake's Abs (yes they deserve to be capitalized) and shouting, "what the shiiiiit!?" I believe that my fellow movie goers were thrilled by this, as it broke up the monotony of the crying baby in the back. Luckily, the joke's really on that's kids parents, because it's totes going to grow up all emo and shit, like my future son, "Keith."
But, I digress. Back to Jake's Abs. I mean, JUST LOOK AT THESE THINGS!
I'm normally not into super jacked guys, but one look at these babies rippling in the morning overcast of The Forks, and I was hooked. When I say "hooked," I mean that he's so hot that I am actually able to look past that heinous wig he wears in the first few scenes, AND the non-ironic jorts he sports for the entirety of the movie. That, people, is LOVE. Or lust. But whatever. Not only is he suddenly supahfine, but he's also totes into Bella (vom). But nooooo, Bella's gotta stick poor Jake and His Abs in the corner slash friendzone and fly off to Italy to save this pasty motherfucker from Dakota Fanning:
I mean, Bella's weird and shit, but who, (WHO!) would ever choose this dude over...well, pretty much anyone else? He's ghostly white, built like a 12-year old, and I'm not sure if you can tell in this photo, but the silver screen made those nipple hairs look at least two feet long. NOT OKAY. I know, I know, he's a vampire, he's supposed to be pale...but if you're trying to tell me that these nocturnal Cullen vampire people have never seen an infomercial for a certain Bowflex Total Body System or, at the very least, the Smooth Away hair removal brush thing...well, I'm just not buying it, unless another one of their "magical powers" is to resist the wily charms of Chuck Norris and John Basedow...
So, in conclusion, move over Rewell...it'll be TEAM JAKE for me from here on out.
Enjoy the holiday lovers and I'll be back next week when I'm chock full of turkey and STORIES! And once I've purchased the above waterbottle via the wonders of the internets...
XOXO - Christine
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