So, the other day, I logged into my Match.com account to find the following message:
"NICE LEGGS"
That's it, that's all it said. Two words, one of them spelled wrong, no punctuation, ALL CAPS. Upon further investigation, I discovered that said message came from this gem:
That's right, my exceedingly charming new suitor is a lazy-eyed 41-year old whose dating headline reads, "I'M NOT A PLAYER, ARE YOU??"
Read below for unedited excerpts from his profile, and my response to his delightful message:
About me:IM LOOKING 4 A WOMAN THATS NOT ON HERE LOOKING 4 ATTENTION ETC, I WANNA MEET A WOMAN THATS NOT MISS RIGHT NOW MAYBE WE CAN START A GREAT FRIENDSHIP THAT ADDS UP TO SOMETHING REALLY COOL SO GIVE ME A SHOUT TY!!
My job:im on here to meet a nice , attractive , sexy woman to start a friendship that turns into maybe lovers, a steady gf or maybe even marriage OUCHH Llolol i was on here a few years ago and had a AWESOME time meeting women!
My ethnicity:are u kidding? moreee ? lol, i guess youd have to scroll back and read what i typed b4 that says im here to date, meet new friends and have alot of fun like i did on here a few years back, ciaoMy religion:is this a job interview ?
i wish we got paid 4 all this typing! send me a email or a wink and see where it goes ! sounds good to me ,
im tired typing lololMy education:are u kidding now its time to hear from you, ive typed enuff to work 4 a local newspaper woulndt u agree? Favorite hot spots:ny, calif , cape cod , canada, russian. england. texas, vancouver!
i wanna go to ireland b4 i die lmaooo Favorite things:i like blues, rock, steak, chicken, chinese food , mexican,
thress co lol janets sexy legs lolol, i love outdoor concerts, great woods aka comcast center, ss musio circus ,, harborlights
My Pets:what else do you wanna know? this is like a job resume lol, anyways like i said im looking 4 a normal, sexy woman that knows what she wants in life , has no drama but im not perfect either so lets get a drink or a coffee and get together
And here it is, our incredible back and forth...enjoy.Lazy-eye: NICE LEGGS
Me: Great pick up line...not creepy at all. P.S. No thanks.
Lazy-eye: miss picky on the internet? LMAO
Me: The last thing I need in my life is a 41-year old man who doesn't understand the proper usage of capitalization. They're called standards, and, shocker, I have them; in fact, most girls my age do. Good luck finding a 21-year old "4 FRIENDSHIP AND SOMETHING REALLY COOL."
P.S. When attempting to begin a conversation with a woman, perhaps try this crazy new approach where you say hello and mention her interests before getting into creepshow mode. Just a thought.
Lazy-eye: well taken, thunder thighs lololol
Me: Wow, definitely going to cry myself to sleep over that one...
And then I blocked him. Good times on the interwebs.
More to come.
XOXO - Christine
"I'm not having fun doing this."
"Hi, my name is Mike, and if you're sitting there, watching this tape, smoking your cigarette, press the fast-forward button, because I don't smoke, and I don't like people who do smoke."
"I'm a fashion photographer. And just, sugar, and spice, and all those things that are nice."
"I'm looking for the goddess. Are you the goddess? Who is the goddess? The goddess is the woman, is a woman, is any woman, is all women..."
"Hi, I'm Maurice, I'm an executive by day, and a wild man by night. I'm not afraid to get sand on my tuxedo if you're not afraid to mess your hair up a little when I take the top down." -Wild was pronounced "w-hild," the way Stewie says "whip" on Family Guy.
"Hi, I'm Monroe. You've probably already noticed that I have incredibly blue eyes." - Actually friend, they look pretty dead and brown to me...also: "I like to wear bright socks, and I'm an avid Clevela-Cleveland Browns fan." - Bright socks? Craaa-zy!
"Hi, my name is Phil; most of my friends call me Big Phil." - Oh Irony...
"Hi, I'm Fred! I'm really looking for somebody I can feel special about. I don't encounter people like that often, and I'm hoping you're one of them!" - I bet you don't Fred, I bet you don't...
"I am a 25-year subscriber to both Playboy and The New Yorker magazine." - Does he look strangely familiar to anyone else?
"At night, I operate a Damsel in Distress hotline, I guess you could call me a knight!"
"No fatties, no hamsters, no dopers, no smokers, no alcoholics, no Donna Juanitas, no poseurs, no crazies..." - WTF is a "Hamster" in dating terminology?
"Life's a playground, and I want someone to play with..."
"I'm interested in most phases of data processing." - And this is why no one likes ginger boys...
"Cause I really have a zany sense of humor." - I'm sorry friend, but the only thing "zany" about you is that god-awful ginger hair.
"Type A, I'm not, comfortable, caring, and serious about a relationship, I am." -Okay, Yoda...
"And I do consider myself a refined valllley duuude. Are you that woman? If so, pleeease give me a call."
Seriously though, check out his stats, he's tall, blonde, and enjoys sailing, dancing, and adventure. Too bad he's probably a downtrodden middle-ager by now...sigh.
Looks like somebody's headed for a "relapse." I put relapse in quotation marks, because is it really a relapse when you (ostensibly) never stopped in the first place?
Awesome times.
That's right, my exceedingly charming new suitor is a lazy-eyed 41-year old whose dating headline reads, "I'M NOT A PLAYER, ARE YOU??"
More to follow.
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